Looking for opinions from adopted children and birth mothers.?

No haters please, I have had enough negativity about this situation up close and personal.

Okay first of all I am 19 years old. I have a beautiful 15 month old daughter who is my everything. I have been married (happily) to her father since I was 17. We are and always have been happy together (no relationship is perfect we do fight and argue sometimes like normal people but it never gets out of control)

I am currently 39 weeks pregnant with a child that is not my husbands. Before jumping to conclusions..No, I was not unfaithful and never would be. I was raped July 17, 2009. Details on that are not important. It was horrible and I am moving on with my life. It took me a while to realize that I was pregnant and once I did I was in a pretty bad emotional state. I didnt know how I would tell my family or my husband, they all knew of the rape and were suportive of my feelings afterwards. I knew they would all imediately suggest an abortion, as would most people anywhere. But that is not who I am. I honestly dont care how a child comes about. Once it is conceived it is a baby. All babies are innocent, no matter what their parents are like. So I went to the doctor and got checked and did all the things I needed to do. I did not tell my family, or my husband, about the pregnancy until I was around 5 months. I was pretty sure it was to late for an abortion by then. I spoke with my husband first, he was angry at first. (Who can blame him? The whole situation has been very hard on him too) He told me I could keep the baby or keep him. Of course that upset me but I was prepared for a bad initial reaction. I told my mother next, she wants me to keep the baby for her own reasons (having given 2 children for adoption). After having a few days without the situation being brought up my husband came to me and told me he loved me very much. He said if i needed to I could keep the baby and we would raise it. He did also explain to me that it would also be very hard for him and he wasnt sure if he could ever love the child. My grandmother thinks I should place the baby for adoption. That it wouldnt be fair to my husband or daughter. That it would be hard on everyone including myself.

I agree with my grandmother. I dont think it would be fair to my husband. Or to my son (yes he is still my son no matter what decision I have made) I have already gone through with the adoptive process and picked a great couple to be parents to my son. The agency I am going through has been very supportive and helpful.

I have made my decision and will not change my mind yet I have recently started having doubts.

I am afraid my son will feel abandoned. I am affraid he will think I do not love him which is horribly wrong. ((How can you stop yourself from loving something you have grown inside of you for 9 months?..Something that you have felt move and grow?)) I want to assure him a good future. I know I cannot provide for him. He is a part of me no matter who his father is. I cannot give him a loving father I cannot force my husband to provide for a child that is not his. We cannot afford it either, we are barely getting along with the three of us and have no room or money to bring another baby into our lives. I only want the best for my son but dont want him to hate me.

Mature advice, or opinions from adopted children would really be appreciated!

16 Answers

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  • 10 years ago
    Best Answer

    Hello, I'm really sorry to hear what you've been through, I'm also 19 and I am an adoptee. Like you my mother was married when she fell pregnant with me, but it wasn't her husbands so she gave me up. I have had a wonderful life with my adoptive family and have recently got back in contact with my birth mother who had hoped for all the same things as you. I do not hate her and have done my best to understand her decision, I hope to meet her this week and I am very excited!

    I think I am lucky that my mother was strong enough to have me and give me up for adoption, not abort me and I am grateful for my lovely adoptive family. At times it has been hard and I have struggled to come to terms with it, but now I can see that I was not abandoned, I was wanted and loved and still am, I just have two families that love me!

    My birth mother wrote me a letter when I was a baby that I have had all my life, that explained her decision and assured me that she would always love me. This has been a great help to me in understanding and gave me the confidence to find her and my half-brother this year. My adoptive parents also made me a book with photos of my birth family that I was given as a child, to explain my story of my 'tummy mummy' and my mum and dad who brought me up. I have always known that I am adopted which I feel is the best way.

    I think you sound very brave and I wish more people could be like you! I too see babies as innocent and could never abort. I can only imagine difficult it has been for you and think that you must have real courage to carry this child. I can only offer you my best of luck and re-assurance that adoption is not abandoning your child to strangers, it's giving them a good chance for a happy life in the knowledge that they will be safe and loved.

    Source(s): Personal experience
  • Jane
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    I have 6 children; 3 are adopted and the remaining 3 are my own children. However, I call all 6 of them my children. My eldest adopted daughter recently had a baby. Therefore, her son is my grandson making me a grandmother aged 27. My youngest blood children are 7 month old twins. Their nephew is just 7 months younger than them which is quite remarkable. The adopted children are 11, 13 and 15 so they are fully aware of the situation. I'm not sure how my grandson will be raised with regard to the family.

  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    I was adopted and I feel special to have two sets if parents. When I was younger, my adopted parents and I used to visit my birthparents. I am currently very happy and I have a ton of amazing people in my life. I also have a huge family which is very cool. I think that you should choose whatever your heart tells you too. If I were you, I would keep the baby, I mean he is yours after all. Also when he's older, I mean you don't have to tell him, but you can say the you a kept him because you love him.

    Source(s): Me, myself, and I
  • 10 years ago

    I will say that my husband and I got married when I was 17 too and had our first child at 19 as well. (kind of cool to hear you are in a loving marriage that started young too)

    my husband was adopted and adoption is something that i have a soft place in my heart for.

    I think the decision you made first of all was the most amazing thing you could have done. I think that you have made a great decision. I think there will always be questions for your son..But if the parents are willing to talk to him and tell him that you loved him so much that you wanted to give them the best you could then I am confident he is going to be ok.

    I think if you are a person who believes in prayer then the best you can do now is pray that your son will always know that you gave him life and a home where he can thrive.

    I cannot believe that all these people are saying negative things about abortion especially the person who thought abortion was a better choice?!? My husband was adopted and He does not have abandonment issues and feels very loved by both his adopted and birth parents (he has since been in contact with his birth family) Adoption is absolutely a great option. A chance at life is always better then no choice at all.

    good luck strong woman

    '

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  • 10 years ago

    You think rape is bad. Wait till you live your life separated from your child who needed you more than anyone or anything in the world. You are the best person for your child to have in it's life. Your child will need you there to provide unconditional love that can only come from you. You are the best person to help your child deal with being conceived out of rape. You will never be able to erase the fact that you were raped. Loosing your child will not make your extremely bad experience go away.

  • Linny
    Lv 6
    10 years ago

    As an adoptee, I can tell you that no matter what the reasons for his relinquishment, he will more than likely feel abandoned and suffer life long consequences for your decision.

    That being said, you cannot guarantee or assure that your son will have a better life being raised by total strangers. Adoptive parents get divorced, too. They lose their jobs. And they do not always love their adopted child as their own.

    I would have much rather been raised by my natural mother and a father who tolerated me, versus being raised by strangers and lived in pain and confusion missing my first Mom.

    Of course the agency has been very helpful and supportive. They stand to make a boatload of money off of your baby. It's their job to appear like they care. They don't.

    Im sorry for your situation. If your Mother would like to raise your son, THAT would be much better than giving him to strangers. He will at least be with his family, even if he is not with you full time.

    As far as your financial situation goes, that is temporary. You will not always be poor. Babies don't take up a lot of room.

    Im confused though- if you say your mind is made up, why are you asking for adoptee's opinions? I hope you reconsider. Surrendering your child will add even more pain to your life, and the baby's, too. Not to mention your daughter's. She will suffer, too, and will always be afraid that you could give her away, too.

    Source(s): being adopted
  • 10 years ago

    I can't say that I am happy to be adopted before I met my first family. I was depressed as a kid. I wanted to know my first family and my adoptive parents said not til I turned 18. I feel kind of angry still about that because my first mom wrote me a letter and told me to contact her anytime but my adoptive parents said no. I spent alot of time reading that letter my first mom wrote me. For years I just wanted to hear her tell me that she loved me in person but I wasn't allowed to contact her. I had problems with depression and tried to kill myself a few times. Also I think my adoptive parents lied to me because they told me my first mom drank alcohol and I know she didn't because I'm living with her now and she's not like that. Lies hurt the most and control. Also not fitting in was a *****.

  • 10 years ago

    First off, is there ANY possibility that the baby is your husbands? If theres even the smallest chance, get a DNA tst. Heck, get one anyway.

    Your child will feel adandoned, and there is no guarantee that he will get a better life. Your husband, I'm sorry to say, is being very selfish coming to you and telling you that he could might never love the child. Its like hes blaming the child because of the way it was conceived! Asking you to adandon your child is unfair.

    unfair to your husband? What about that child growing inside of you! You think its fair to deprive him of ever knowing his sister, or his mother, you, as his sister and mother! Thats whats unfair! And as for your grandmother, she might be trying to be nice, but she needs to butt out.

  • BOTZ
    Lv 5
    10 years ago

    It is possible that your son WILL feel abandoned if you surrender him to adoption. He may or may not be told anything about you -- and that is something you have no control over if you relinquish your rights. He might think you don't love him... I don't think it's reasonable to expect that he will just assume your love -- or instinctively know -- because being loved and being rejected do not fit well together in the human soul.

    I'm concerned about another of your statements: "I want to assure him a good future." That is not possible if you surrender him. Let me explain. You say you have "picked a great couple" to be parents to your son. How well do you really know them? How sure are you that they are "great"? Once you sign those papers, and the adoption is finalized... you can't know anything with certainty about your son's life, future, how he will feel, how he will be treated... by adoptive parents, possible siblings... peers, teachers, etc.

    Adoption does NOT assure a better life... or even a good one. Adoption does not assure ANYTHING, except that a child loses his/her family and is raised by strangers... at least they are strangers at first. A child comes into the world wanting... and KNOWING... his/her own mother. You said, "How can you stop yourself from loving something you have grown inside of you for 9 months? Something you have felt move and grow?" I would change that question around for you and ask you this: "How can YOU expect to stop your son from loving YOU, who he has grown inside of for 9 months? You, whose voice, movements, heartbeat, smell... everything, he knows, wants, is familiar with and comforted by?" Your son will suffer a loss -- the loss of YOU -- when he is handed over to strangers. He will want you and wonder where you have gone. He will be traumatized. How could he not be? As to whether those feelings will stay with him and grow or subside cannot be predicted. You will likely never know. Can you live with that? You say a child is innocent regardless of who his parents are. Are you willing to send that innocent child away and live with not knowing if he is okay... or even alive?

    You are between a rock and a hard place. I am so sorry for your suffering and I can certainly understand your husband's anger and eventual concern over being able to love this child. BUT... your husband is a grown man. This baby is not even yet born (from what I gather). Your husband can come to a place of understanding. He can choose to deal with this situation as an adult. Your infant son will have no such understanding... he will be left to grieve the loss of you and possibly never know WHY he lost you.

    In the event that you are considering an open adoption, I would caution you thus: Open adoptions are not legally enforceable in the United States. As a surrendered mother, you would (then) have NO rights whatsoever to see, speak to, or even gather information about your son. The adoptive parents would have every legal right and protection if they chose to close the adoption and 'disappear' from your life and you would have no recourse. You would, after finalization of an adoption, be a legal stranger to your son. You would be powerless to know or do anything with regard to him or his life.

    You do not have an easy decision... though you claim it is already made. However, you also express doubt. I have a hard time accepting that your choice is set in stone. In any case, you must decide what you can live with (and possibly live without). I'm sorry that you are faced with this choice... especially through the felonious violence of another person. I really do feel for you.

    I cannot, however, offer you any comfort that your son will understand or not feel abandoned. I can't assure you that he will have a 'better' life or even a good one.

    I am adopted. I am 37 years old (so, while I'm not a 'child', I believe I qualify to answer this question per your special request). I love my mother very much and I have never 'hated' her. I never would... I never will. I have felt -- all my life -- abandoned. How could I not? She sent me away as a newborn to live a life she could only *hope* would be good... at least good enough.

    I was abused for 14 years in my adoptive home -- BY my adoptive parents and their (biological) daughter. They passed a background check, homestudy... all the 'stuff' that qualifies people to adopt. On the surface, they were/are no different than any other applicants. After all that, they abused me (and my two other adopted siblings) for nearly our entire childhoods. Nothing is guaranteed in adoption except that a child and family are separated. That is the ONLY universal guarantee in adoption. Everything else is a gamble. Everything else is a big question mark.

    I'm over the moon with joy that I am reunited with my parents and now know (most of) my natural siblings born after me. They have enriched my life in ways I could have never predicted. Still, there is a sorrow I carry inside that reunion can't heal. I haven't found anything that can heal me... and I have tried and am still trying.

    I suffered the greatest possible human trauma on the day I was born -- I lost my mother. She was my whole universe. I knew nothing but her... I wanted nothing but her. I was changed on that day and who I would have been -- was meant to be -- was lost forever.

    I was born my mother's daughter. She let me go and that can't be undone. I love her dearly but I am still hurt. I am still abandoned. Deep in my core I am still that newborn who lost everything.

    Maybe someday I won't be... who knows?

    ETA: I feel it is important to comment on something Dorian wrote. She told of a woman who was a child conceived as a result of rape and raised by her own mother. She said, "...but she was treated like a second class citizen in the community where she lived, some parents not letting their children play with her, thinking she steal/lie/etc. because of who her 'father' was." Please don't think that adopting your son out will save him from that. Adopted children are often treated that way, too. I know I was... a lot. I heard a lot of "You just don't know what kind of 'blood' she has..." and "You can't be too safe... not knowing anything about her 'breeding'..." etc.

    Source(s): REunited adult adoptee, social worker, PFAP and grown woman who hurts every day over the loss of my mother and the life I was BORN to have.
  • 10 years ago

    There is a very real possiblity that your son will suffer as a result of being surrendered for adoption. There really is no getting around that, it comes with the territory. As an adult adoptee, I have dealt with abandonment issues, fear of rejection, low self image etc my entire life, despite having a very happy adoption experience in terms of family. Having said that, I have NEVER hated my first mum, I loved her very much. I understand why you need to surrender this child. Please keep avenues open for your son and daughter to be able to know one another, and for your son to know the truth of where he came from. Im so sorry that you have had this awful experience. I know the pain that being raped causes. I wish you the best of luck and happiness for your future.

    Source(s): Adult adoptee
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