What do you think of this piece?
Moreover, is this too over-dramatic. obviously it needs some drama to it, but i don't want it to come off as ridiculous. in a nutshell, the girl here (Iva) is the girlfriend of the narrator (Jareth). She's on the ground with a broken neck, and after the usual "omg-please-don't-leave-I-love-you" stuff, they're just waiting for it to be over...
'You can't die,' I said hoarsely. 'Iva, we're safe now. Things are so good! You...you can't...'
'Stay with me,' she managed to say through her tears.
'Stay with ME! Iva, you can't die!'
'Stop it, Jareth! Just give up!' she shouted, casting her eyes in my direction. I was scared to touch her, afraid to make it worse. I squeezed my eyes shut just for a second, unable to fight tears any longer and feeling the warm drops rolling down my cheeks.
I heard her voice, softer now. 'Jareth.'
I opened my eyes and stared at her through blurry vision. She was so scared, I thought as I looked at her. Who could blame her? I wasn't wildly religious and nor was she - who knew where she was going, if anywhere?
'How do you feel?' I asked, though I barely wanted to know the answer.
'Cold.' Her pale lips hardly moved as she spoke. 'I don't think...I don't think it's going to take long, Jareth. I think I'm almost ready to go.'
This couldn't be happening! Not to Iva! Not to me! But this was undeniable, and as hard as it was to let her go, I knew I would hate myself if I kept her much longer. Through numb lips, I found myself speaking again.
'Iva, if you really need to leave,' I was whispering, the tears not even touching my cheeks before they dropped straight to the ground, 'don't let me stop you. If you need to go, just...just go. Don't hurt yourself any longer.'
'Take my hand,' Iva pleaded.
I did, and she glanced down to see her motionless hand held steady in mine. Then she looked back up at me.
'I'm not in pain,' she assured me. 'I just...I don't know where I'm going. I'm scared, Jareth.'
'If there's a heaven,' I said, fighting to keep my voice even, 'then that's where you're going.'
And then of course she dies, he closes her eyes, he's all miserable...all that jazz...but this part annoys me. It seems a little too dramatic? tell me what you think.
- 10 years agoFavorite Answer
I don't think it's too dramatic, especially depending on where its placed in the story (unless you're doing some sort of short story thing...?) If you think it's fine, then it is. If not, try and fix it. It's your opinion that really matters.
I would also like to point out that Jordanlo1 spelled very wrong. So... take whatever you want to from that. I'm not going to go there.
- 10 years ago
Actually, I think it's really good, not too dramatic or anything.... Ultimately, though, it's your opinion that matters. Make sure you're happy with it before you look at anyone else's thoughts on it.
- 10 years ago
I think its good but vary cliche