How about this for a story start?



Time crawled along its nonstop path. A young gentleman of mid-east complexion stood upon a pathway made of brick, eyes fixed on his watch. Another minute passed.... his body somewhat twitched as his anticipation started to occupy his entire body like a disease. Sweat dripped like a faucet from his brow. The hour hand on his watch aligned with the number "three", time slowed. The gentleman slowly placed his hand inside his security outfit while light chatter was heard in the background. When his hand was re-exposed it held what appeared to be a homemade cell phone constructed of cheap parts. The man dialed an 800 number, and then it was silent.

Chapter 1

It seemed like a red carpet should appear beneath his feet as the man stepped out of the Humvee which had escorted him here. Although a red carpet did not appear, finely grained sand beneath his feet sparkled in the South Afghanistan heat. The man, about 6’ 2 in posture walked with firm steps over to the officer that had been assigned to greet him upon arrival. The officer of lesser height almost whimpered in the others shadow. The officer immediately saluted and yelled “Captain, welcome to Fort Addams”. The Captain’s slight bristles of hair seemed to vibrate in the heat. After the pair stared at each other for a second, the captain paced away toward a complex nearby. As the man entered the complex made of solid stone, he removed his sunglasses which had previously not allowed him to show expression. There were multiple groups of people sitting at equal tables engaging in small talk about the current situation. The captain walked past the social groups and through a thick steel door into a small lobby. The man walked to the counter and asked the secretary there “Is Col. Roberts ready for my appointment”. The woman simply replied with a nod and motioned for the Captain to continue into the next room.

The man slowly closed the door upon entry as not to create a loud noise. Col. Roberts quickly instructed the man to sit down. The Colonel talking in a stern voice began “I am aware of your actions toward Operation Roast”. The captain simply stared into the Colonels eyes as sweat began to form at his hair line. “Captain Hannan, your attack and murder of two U.S. troops has lead to your sentence of eternity in jail” said the Colonel this time in a deeper voice. The Captain continued to stare into the colonels hostile eyes. “You should find the living conditions suited just for you, shitty.” As a reply to the Colonel’s statement Captain Hannan spat out a small ball of saliva which hit Roberts between the eyes. The two stared into each other’s eyes for a split second before the Colonels fist slid across the Captain’s cheek. The Captain who had been shackled and escorted by two guards the entire time was immediately taken to his cell three miles away from the complex.

As the two guards, both able to kill a man in one punch sat side by side Captain Hannan, both conscious of the Captain’s ability. The Captain acted as if he had won a bet with a wide grin spread from ear to ear across his face. The awkward silence was broken as the Humvee began to slow as it arrived in front of the prison. The trio walked into the jail as the Captain held his head high. Hannan stared at every man he spotted until they became out of site. As the group arrived at the Captain’s high security cell, three more guards joined the already group of three. The guards shoved Hannan into the cell, and he started chanting multiple sayings against the military in Arabic. Unluckily for him one of the guards spoke Arabic, and then the Captain received his second punch of the day. This time the murderer was out cold, sprawled out on the floor. When he awoke from his comma like incident, Hannan had a plan, a plan that that would let him complete his destiny.

1 Answer

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Hey! :)


    Pretty Good.

    Builds the suspense quite well.

    Would've sounded better if it was 'anticipation' instead of 'his anticipation' though.

    Also try 'twitched slightly' in place of 'somewhat twitched.'

    Comma needed after 'security outfit'.

    Chapter 1:

    Need a Comma after '6'2 in posture'.

    You're explaining the events a tad too much.

    It works in the prologue, but I recommend that you keep it short in the chapters.

    eg."The officer almost whimpered in front of the bigger man's shadow."

    In any case it should be "others' shadow",not "others shadow'.

    eg2. "Saluting,he yelled,"Captain,Welcome to Fort Addams.""

    Again,your narrative is becoming too long-winded.

    The sunglass explanation bit seems unnecessary, and unless it affects the plot,I recommend you remove it.

    Or phrase it in a different way,this time maybe giving an insight into the Capt.'s features/expression.

    eg."The Capt.removed his sunglasses,the anger in his eyes now charring the already torrid atmosphere,"

    Well, you get my drift,right?

    Things that people say should always be on the next line.

    You repeated a phrase,"stared into each others eyes"; and that isn't nice.

    It looks like you're writing a thriller,so (again!) keep your narrative crisp.

    Spelling Error,last line: Coma not Comma.

    Final Word:

    Keep it Short!

    You write pretty well, but that's overshadowed by the unnecessary prose and narrative!

    You can't expect someone to do all the editing!

    Have you TRIED editing it yourself??

    Source(s): I've edited a few stories before.
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