What would you think if your parents suggested getting a background check on the person you were dating?

My parents don’t trust my boyfriend because he’s 7 whole effing years older than me.

Big whoop.

They can really talk since they’re many years apart (I’m not even going to say, but if you guess it I'll give you mad props *hint*-it’s higher than 10 and less than 30).

Ever since I’ve started dating him there’s been nothing but drama, drama, drama coming from my parents. They’ve found every excuse in the book to talk negative about him (to me) whenever he’s not there. They find things wrong with him that aren’t even there. They make assumptions about him and then blame me for them not knowing anything about him whenever I try to argue against whatever they say, saying that I never talk to them about him. But why in the hell would I ever want to sit down and talk to them about him when all they’re going to do is criticize everything I say. I can’t tell them all the things I like about him because then they’d tell me “You’re becoming too serious about him and you’re going to get hurt.” I can’t tell them all the things I don’t like about him (which for now the list is very short) because then they’d tell me “He’s no good for you. You can do better.”

Can’t win. [They] won’t change.

They put on their masks in front of him whenever he’s around, pretending that they like him, when in reality my mom doesn’t like him because he’s not black and my dad…just doesn’t like him period. I never dated in high school because 1. all the boys I ever liked hurt me in some way, shape or form, and 2. I’ve always been mature for my age and never met anyone close to my age who would accept me this way until now.

As stupid and cheesy as this sounds, I can tell he actually does care about me.

Long story short, he wants to take me to San Diego for the day just to hang out, go shopping, be together etc. It’s about a 2 hour drive from where I live. Even though I technically didn’t even have to because I’m an “adult” now, I still sat both my parents down and talked to them about wanting to go on this trip with him like it’s the biggest deal in the whole wide world because that’s exactly how they looked at it.

My mom starts off by saying it’s “too far” like we’re planning on going out of state or something, and then my dad started getting all huffy, and made a comment on interracial dating and how people in the “real world” perceive us, and then told me “not to get offended or take this the wrong way”, but that maybe I should do a background check on him.

As in: search his name in the computer and see if my boyfriend, who has a full time job, who’s getting a business degree and is still going to school, who pays for all his own crap, and the list of how responsible he is could go on—has any sort of criminal records or something.

I don’t even want to touch that with a ten foot pole. My parents are so paranoid and ridiculous that it’s almost laughable.

9 Answers

  • Anonymous
    10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Your parents sound like tough people. I honestly don't think just sitting them down to talk will do good. You are an adult. I you let them hold you back now, they will always hold you back. I know you don't want that. I think you should just go on the trip. It's not a far distance and it's safe, harmless. Show them that you are an adult and you are independent. Don't even bother asking them for permission.

    No I do not believe they need to do a background check on your boyfriend. That's too much. Don't met your parents get in the way of your relationship. You. Are. An. Adult! You can do whatever you please! If you want to go on that trip, GO!!!!

    Good luck :)

  • 10 years ago

    Your parents love you! They are trying to guide you the to the best of their abilities. As you said "technically didn't even have to ask bacause I'm an adult now." This eludes to the fact that you are 18. Bottom line you are still young and regardless of the reason, your parents love you and are trying to do what they feel is right! Whether you think it is or not, they are the ones providing room and board for you... It is my feeling, that you should listen to your parents and .. as far as your boyfriend .. trust is earned not given.. it comes with time... no need for a background check because, if you two stay together long enough they will allow trips anywhere, once he has earned their trust! Once again, your parents love you more than anything and I wish there were more parents in the world like yours. good luck to you and update us one day... :)

  • golden
    Lv 4
    3 years ago

    Umm who mentioned the visa could take this long? How long has the applying been filed for? if your significant different is coming to Australia the FBI would not do the historic past verify, we've not got FBI in Australia! It seems such as you have had the applying in for a jointly as, it would not take this long to get a visa. i'm hoping you have crammed in the perfect paper paintings for this, for an meant significant different a visa isn't the perfect type. it may be lots less complicated in case you have been engaged. via the way, have you ever met him or is it an information superhighway element? purely curious.

  • 10 years ago

    Background checks these days are very smart. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, IT IS NOT EVER SINCE YOU STARTED DATING HIM, THERE HAS BEEN DRAMA LONG BEFORE HIM, AND THERE WILL BE DRAMA LONG AFTER HIM, QUIT PLAYING THE BLAME GAME. They talk negative about everyone, they are narcissistic, that is their game, quit playing it. If he were gone, they would bad mouth someone else, quit playing the blame game. NO ARGUING, YOU CAN'T REASON WITH NARCISSISTIC PEOPLE, IT IS POINTLESS, STOP FALLING INTO THE TRAP. WHEN THEY ARE BADMOUTHING HIM, SAY "I APPRECIATE YOU BLAMING OTHERS, BUT I CAN'T PLAY THE BLAME GAME WITH YOU ANYMORE, AND WALK AWAY." YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY WHEN THEY DO THIS, THEY ARE TRYING TO PROVOKE YOU, AND THE MORE YOU ENGAGE THEM, THE MORE UPSET YOU GET, AND THE MORE POWER THEY GET, STOP PLAYING THE BLAME GAME, STOP CLAIMING THE BLAME AND GUILT AND ANGER, STOP IT. YOUR ARE RIGHT, YOU CAN'T SIT DOWN AND TALK TO THEM OR TELL THEM THINGS ABOUT HIM, SO WRAP YOUR MIND AROUND THAT. YOU CAN'T WIN,THEY CAN'T CHANGE, START DEALING WITH THAT, HARD AS IT IS. Holy cow, don't get me started on how two faced narcissistic people are, you are right, they will act like saints in front of people and then badmouth them the second their back is turned. My in laws were soooooooo that way too. Joyce Meyer says "going to church and sitting in a pew doesn't make you a Christian, I could sit in my garage all day and that won't make me a car." I swear she met my in laws. You made a mistake talking to them about the trip, you see that now, so I won't beat you over the head for that. You will learn to fix yourself and stop walking into traps, you won't learn it over night. You have been living with this abuse your whole life, it becomes normal to you, but it isn't right, and you don't have the right to claim blame, guilt, and anger. Your parents made excuses about him, that is what people who are narcissistic do, one minute it is his hair, the next it is his car, the next it is his church, the next it is his race, wait, I wonder what brand of gum he chews. I will say that background checks are smart these days, and if you were going to marry him, that would be a wise thing. One thing I have learned in life is that a suit and tie and a good job and someone who sits in a church pew every week , don't mean a thing, and yes, my ex husband also had a business degree. Don't let your parents upset you, but also, if you do decide to get married somewhere down the road, do a background check and no matter who you marry, get a pre nup. Not just so you get restored for the things you had when you came into the marriage, but put a clause in there that you have to go to counseling before you get divorced, and keep your money separate. nag, nag, nag. Thanks for leaving the question open for me. there is drama in my corner of the world today. Peace be with you.

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  • 10 years ago

    If you are 18+ as you say you are, move out if you don't like your parents rules. As long as you live at home you are under their rules. Why complain when you could do something about it? Go get your own place and go out with your boyfriend all you like. As long as you live at home as a child you will be a child in their eyes.

  • 10 years ago

    You should really have a serious talk with them.

    They might think they're doing what is best, but obviously it's far from that. You should tell them exactly how you feel.

    Also, it's your life. You shouldn't be submitted to having them talk badly about your boyfriend.

  • Laugh
    Lv 6
    10 years ago

    Wow, you come up with the most intresting rants ever =D

    I really don't know what to tell you, I never do. As long as you like him and he makes you happy thats all that really matters.

  • 10 years ago

    If my parents suggested that, I'd feel really, really offended. I'm not even joking. It just sucks when your parents are that paranoid about a person you're dating even though you know him/her pretty well.


  • 10 years ago


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