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What do you guys think?

I know this isnt perfect and I suck at grammar and punctuation I just want some opinions on maybe my style of writing and where I can improve, thanks =)

Sitting apprehensively, Olivia Smithson listened for the awaiting sound of her daughter’s engine to come roaring up the driveway, the sound of Metallica blasting through her speaker system and the moment Olivia’s nightmare would really begin, instead all the sound she could pay attention to was the ticking from the old grandfather’s clock out in the entrance hall, reminding her of how behind time her daughter was.

Embarrassed, she apologised to her boyfriend, who with his five offspring were also waiting just as patiently for Olivia’s delinquent daughter to arrive.

“I’m so sorry about this Charles; in all my life I have never known her to be so late.”

He smiled munificently at his girlfriend, diminutively relaxing her in the uptight situation but all the while she was still mentally cursing at her daughter for humiliating her so significantly. What Olivia and Charles were oblivious to was that of the noiseless morning, when she was sleeping like a baby in his cavernous bed, across town Melissa was creeping in after a night of hard partying at one of Charles’ elite nightclubs, ‘Wilde’ but what both daughter and mother’s boyfriend were unaware of was that during the night they had both unknowingly crossed paths.

“I’ll go and try her cell phone again” As Olivia exited onto the front porch she could have done a cartwheel at the sight of her daughters shiny black Volvo speeding towards her and as forecasted heavy metal that could quite possibly be listened to from the moon.

“Where on this earth have you been?” Olivia spat at her daughter. It was evident that she hadn’t had any sleep, wearing little make-up and presenting dark circles under her eyes it was anyone’s guess how she made it to the house at all.

“I only asked you to be respectful for one day Melissa and turn up on time, you know how important today is for me.”

“Well I’m here now so what you waiting for?” she gestured to the door just as arrogantly as she had spoken. It had been a cold spring in Malibu, but that didn’t stop the sun from shining callously, squinting in the bright light she put her aviators on and followed her mother up to the main doors.

“Now I beg you, behave for just this once, I don’t want to hear any witty comments and NO arguing. Please Mel; I think this one could be the one.”

Olivia halted so abruptly that Melissa walked straight into the back of her, stumbling backwards down the steps and landing flat on her rear. She gave her mother a wicked look before pushing herself up off the ground.

“Just move!” she urged her mother after Olivia started to fuss over her daughter, as if she were still a child and not an eighteen year old adult.

“Move mom... I’m alright” she insisted amid fighting her from taking her sunglasses.

“You could have made an effort Melissa” she sneered admiring her daughters unkempt look, it wasn’t as if she were scruffy, Melissa had thought carefully about what she would wear to lunch, even changing her clothes numerous times before settling on a pair of tight skinny jeans, a white racer back top and her signature black leather jacket, accompanied with a pair of killer skyscraper heels.

“This is an important day for us all, a new start for the two of us” After exchanging warning looks they both entered into the extravagant home through the oversized glossy black door, greeted on the other side by a stocky Rottweiler looking as hungry as the people standing behind it.

“She won’t bite” a tall dark, brawny man informed her, a hint of a British tone in his Californian accent.

“She’s a pussy cat really”

“I’m sure!” awkwardly Melissa edged around the beast, not once averting her eyes from its sight.

“Akira, out!” a stern, authoritative voice boomed from the magnificent marble black staircase. The dog looked at her master and obeyed instantly, brushing passed Melissa as she strode out through the main door.

“Charles, this is my daughter Melissa.” She informed him proudly and also to the others who were occupying the hall at present. Unwillingly Melissa removed her sunglasses before turning on her heel to great her mother’s new flame.

It’s Missy actually! Pleasure to meet you Daddy Warbucks” she greeted him impertinently. It was at that moment when both their eyes focused on one another the memories of last night hit the pair like a punch to the stomach.

Update:

Thanks =) I don't understand Ms.. Carra... comment about the ''Just move'' sentence though, maybe its lack of punctuation that I have used?

Update 2:

Thanks guys for the comments I appreciate them =)

Update 3:

As much as criticism hurts I like obviously I would prefer nice comments but those comments aren't going to make me improve. I have written many more pages to this story than I have posted but I just wanted to know what people thought of my writing, I have neve actually studied it at school/college so i appreciate your comments =)

8 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Your writing style is good. It's better than a lot of the people on here. You're very good with description, but beware of describing too much. Sometimes it's better to keep things simple. You also love commas, which is a trait I share as well. There were a few places that were in need of a period, such as "Instead all the sound she could pay attention" and "You know how important today is for me." Both should be new sentences. Also, in the fourth paragraph you mentioned the parents being unaware of the situation twice, so it was a bit redundant. There are also some confusing places like when you write, "she urged her mother after Olivia started to fuss over her daughter." Did you mean to put "her" in replace for daughter?

    But I think your writing is promising. I've certainly enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work!

  • 1 decade ago

    It was good, not perfect, but good. Don't listen to anyone here. Praise is awesome to get, but what you're looking for is criticism, no matter how horrible.

    Trust me, praise won't get you far. If someone told you to fix something- that would improve your writing.

    It was good. Trust me on that. But be aware of the detail. It's important but you don't need to go on about it. Leave the reader's imagination up. Let them think for themselves, se they can put their own thoughts into what the setting/character looks like EXACTLY.

    It was good. As I said before, it wasn't perfect, but it was good.

    Source(s): I'm a writer myself who deals with criticism daily. :]
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I actually really liked reading this. A lot of the time, I get bored with reading what people have put on here, but with yours, I enjoyed it so much I wasn't expecting the end to come. It's easy to imagine what you want to be imagined, which is good.

    Don't listen to John, he just wanted to critisize about something, and when he couldn't find anything, he settled on making up something ridiculous.

    I really liked this.

  • 1 decade ago

    jesus christ cut it out with the excessive imagery. you fill your sentences with "big" words as if you were told to find words in the dictionary you didnt understand and put them in a sentence. you dont need those words to sound sophisticated or smart. looking past your poor word choice the story was grammatically correct but throwing it through spell check wouldnt hurt. sorry to be so brutally honest but none of your comments so far werent helpful to you at all

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  • 1 decade ago

    Wow this is such an amazing work! Your vocabulary is brilliant! Keep working on this story, it's very good.

  • 1 decade ago

    excellent. Good job. When you are done with the story, you can find an editor.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    omg! you are soo good at writing!! just check the spelling like you already said. =D

    Source(s): mee smart brainn :)
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I like this. You're good at showing emotions. ;)

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