Chuck Norris jokes!!!?

My school's got a competition for the best Chuck Norris jokes

Whats the best Chuck Norris joke you have ever heard or said?

10 Answers

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  • 10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    1. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick-related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

    2. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

    3. Chuck Norris mistakenly sent Jesus a birthday card on Dec. 25. Jesus was too scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day Dec. 25 is known as Jesus's birthday.

    4. Chuck Norris was born three months premature, because he had asses to kick.

    5. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.

    6. And on the first day Chuck Norris was created ... and he took care of everything else later that afternoon.

    7. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.

    8. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

    9. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

    10. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

    11. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

    12. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

    13. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

    14. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

    15. The role of Alf in the hit 80s TV show was played by Chuck Norris's penis.

    16. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

    17. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    18. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

    19. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

    20. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

    21. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

    22. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take **** from anybody.

    23. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

    24. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris.

    25. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

    26. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

    27. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

    28. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

    29. Chuck Norris got a blow up doll pregnant.

    30. Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

    31. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

    32. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

    33. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

    34. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

    35. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

    36. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

    37. When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

    38. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

    39. Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

    40. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

    41. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

    42. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

    43. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

    44. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

    45. Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

    46. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up -- he's pushing the Earth down. Observe ...

    47. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

    48. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

    49. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

    50. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

    51. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

    52. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other

    Source(s): AOL
  • Lisa
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    My favourites Q: If Superman and the Flash race to the end of the earth who would win? A: Chuck Norris Q:What beats rock, paper and scissors all at once? A:Chuck Norris Q:Chuck Norris once got a bear Pregnant by just starring at it. A:It was a male bear Q:Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC. A:Claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

  • 10 years ago

    sorry, its a little long...

    Chuck Norris once did the most powerful roundhouse kick he could and the hole in the time-space continuum that he created sent him back in time. He ended up in the Revolutionary war period and was shocked that nobody knew who he was. He started killing soldiers left and right and both the patriots and the confederates sent soldiers to try and stop him. This is known as the Battle of Gettysburg.

    He then performed another powerful roundhouse kick and fell into the future. He was so shocked again that he killed everyone in the universe. He realized that he probably shoulodnt have done that, so he did one last roundhouse kick to create what is known as the big bang.

    He has sworn to never again neglect to control his powerful kick.

  • 10 years ago

    Some people wear superman pajamas... But Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

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  • 10 years ago

    Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding :D

  • 10 years ago

    every time you masterbate chuck norris smacks a Mexican baby

    orr

    when the boggey man goes to bed at night he checks for chuck norris

  • 10 years ago

    chuck norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

  • 10 years ago

    when chuck norris does push ups he does not push his self up he pushes the earth down

  • 10 years ago

    chuck norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is

    http://mysitestinksbutyoursiscool.com/wp-content/u...

  • 10 years ago

    The big tomato said 2 the slow little tomato: ketch up!!

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