Steph asked in Pregnancy & ParentingAdoption · 1 decade ago

What should I do? What can I do?

Okay before I say my story- I know I made my bed and now I should lay in it so please refrain from harassment.

I'm a single mother of two boys whom I love sooooo very much. I love being a mom and I love the closeness I have with my sons. My oldest is 4 and my youngest is 14 months. After my divorce, me and a guy friend (of 4 years) decided to "hook up". We were both lonely and agreed to keep the relationship platonic. Well this hook up ended up in me getting pregnant- when we found out we tried having a relationship- which did not end up working out. Now we hate each other and are no where being friends.

I am living on my own in a duplex, paying my bills on time, have some savings, and things seem to be working out well. With the addition of a third child- I would not be able to pay my bills, I won't have time to clean or take care of all my kids the way they deserve. I sincerely believe the best option and choice for everyone is adoption.

The dad on the other hand, is swayed and pressured by his family who is extremely against giving up any of their own. He lives in his friends moms basement- he has no plan to move out because he thinks its great to only pay $200 a month for rent. He has never paid for groceries, or regular living expenses on his own and has always lived off of other people. He works at a pizza place as a cook and thats where he eats and when hes not there he just orders pizza. He said he was going to look for a better job, save money, buy the baby things needed, and get ready but he has done nothing.

He has porno on his TV almost at all times now, and laying around his room. He buys toys for himself like legos, and nerf guns. When he needs to fix his car or get a new car. He has yet to save any money and does not have any baby things other than a few hand-me-downs that are so old... no one would buy this **** at a garage sale.

He does not want to give this child up because his family is enabling him living off of everyone. They are basically saying they will raise the baby and pay for the stuff he cant etc.

I just don't see how this is fair to me, my children, or this child. I already know the stress of raising and coping with children seperately and not as a family and know that it is not what is best for the child. Not to mention neither of us would be fully capable to take care of them.

What should I do? What can I do?

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    "I already know the stress of raising and coping with children seperately and not as a family and know that it is not what is best for the child"

    In light of his quote, perhaps give them all away. Then at least they won't be separated from each other

    It would suck to be the only one given away; and it would equally suck to know your sibling was given away.

    Once you cope with two children, one more barely makes a difference (been there, done that) It sounds very much like you're projecting your feelings about the child's father onto the situation as a whole, as though getting rid of his child is a way of getting rid of him - how can that be fair to the innocent little person

    I hope he shapes up and pays child support, for the child's sake and for the sake of his or her siblings who deserve to grow up together

    Source(s): Adult adoptee and mother of three
  • 1 decade ago

    i cannot believe that i am reading some of these answers...thats ridiculous! "give your oldest child up" or "abort or keep the child"? what the hell is wrong with you people how could you possibly sit there and say that killing an unborn child is better than giving it a life and a family that wants a child and is in a good state to have and support a child. **** happens if you got pregnant and you know in ur heart that the father is unfit and you cant support the child then there are tons of families that cannot have children and would love to. and even if you do give in to his enabling family then the child still will not either blood parent so what is the difference. it is in the best interest of the child to have two loving parents. and giving the child up for adoption does not mean that you are putting it in an orphanage or giving it to strangers. with most good agencies you are able to have a relationship with the adoptive parents the whole pregnancy and you dont have to give the child to them until you have a family for the baby.

  • smarmy
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    What is the fathers families status? Do they have the means to support the child? I would sit down with them maybe even minus the father and have a really long talk. Be opened minded, keeping a child within his/her family is important and they are offering.

    ask if they think their son would make the necessary adjustments to be a father. I always advocate for fathers because I have seen the several step up and be great dad's once a child is in the picture.

    You have no way of knowing that a family of strangers is going to be better to your child, you just don't' know that.

    If he likes toys and spending money on them then its a good sign that his child will receive toys and have someone to play with too. Not all bad, as babies grow so do fathers in lots of cases. The porn wil disappear and there's a good chance he will think about getting out of the basement. He doesn't have any children yet, its very hard for yo to say what type father he will actually be when faced with it.

    I'd talk to his family. Consider their offer. Remember what's best for the child is at stake here. Family and a sense of belonging is always best, unless abuse is a factor.

    Google adoptee blogs, first mother blogs, adoptee rights, sealed records, and the dark side of adoption.

  • 1 decade ago

    Everyone has an opinion and only you know the situation you are in now and the situation you and the child will likely be in with the gentleman who is the father.

    Take into consideration the worst cased scenario and the best case--best case being he'll fork over $500 a month from his pizza job, he mans up and takes being a Dad serious with 2 a.m. feedings, and for the next 18 years you have enough money to make up the difference for any day care etc and life is great. Worse case: he doesn't pay or is not consistent about it and also doesn't take the responsibility seriously. The good news is he sounds like he plays with cool toys !

    Everyone can be pissy with me...but having his relatives say "we'll help" and having them do it for the next 18 years is two completely different things. Have the hard conversation with them. Are they signing up for caring for the child every other Tuesday and two boxes of diapers and a 22 dollar jug of formula every week or is it a casual when they have time? What about when they needed braces and all three kids have doctors appointments? Are they signing up to take off work, drive etc. Everyone is charged emotionally-so I would literally budget out and outline the support you HAVE to have to keep this child and have a very very assertive conversation with everyone. If that reality is what everyone is signing up for--keep the child.

    He deserves to be a Dad if that is what he absolutely is going to sign up for but he TRULY needs to know--force feed it if you have to--what that means to you. If you aren't getting along with him now--what does that really mean in how he is as a father? My answer to that is they are two different things--you don't like him and that has nothing to do with his right to be that father to that child. Co-parenting between parents that are not together can be done with a TON of the right up front work and constant communication.

    Adoption plans are difficult--gut wrenching I am sure. Walk through mentally what that will truly mean for everyone.

    Source(s): Adoptive Mom
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  • 1 decade ago

    Well unfortunately, his family won't be the ones paying the expenses involved in raising the child. You will be. If the details you've given of the father are accurate, I wouldn't expect support from him either. If he can't suck it up and PARENT, don't waste another second on trying to force him to mature. Your child is too important. I would recommend applying for the millions of dollars available to single parents through the government until you can support all three of your children. That could mean a career change and schooling, please attempt to better yourself for your children. Adoption is for those who do not wish to parent, not for those who cannot afford it.

  • 1 decade ago

    It sounds like you really would want this baby if you could afford to raise him/her. If the baby's father's family is so determined that you not place the baby for adoption, let them know you will be going after the father for full child support and apparently in his world that means they will be paying it. Would that help you out financially?

  • 1 decade ago

    You are in a really difficult position, and for that, I am very sorry. I was adopted as an infant because my birth mother was not in a position to take proper care of me. I've since met her and I know she could have never taken care of me the way my parents did. I was lucky to have been placed into a loving home and I don't harbor any resentment toward my bmom because of it. I knwo it was hard on her, but it was best for me. I truly believe that. If you think you can handle it, then by all means, please keep your child. I think if you feel like you can provide a good home, then you should keep your baby. But if you really don't think you can, I don't think adoption is a bad idea. I'm sorry you are in such a predicament.

    Source(s): Adopted
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    EITHER PARENT OR ABORT!

    DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILD TO ADOPTION!

    Seriously.

    If you know you don't want it now, then get an abortion before it's too late, because if you abandon it, you're screwing it up for life - and probably yourself too.

    If you don't want to abort, then please do not allow anyone pressure you into abandoning it.

    Also, don't listen to anyone suggesting that open adoption is the way to go - it is almost never legally enforceable! Many parents have lost access to their children due to "open" adoption promises. Please read http://lifemothers.com/thewall.html and http://www.bringperihome.com/history.html before listening to the hype.

    I was abandoned to adoption at 7mths old. I didn't have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen... but if I'd been able to choose, and I'd known then what I know now, I'd've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, 'cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I've gone through would've been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I've been suffering for now.

    I've been in reunion with my bfam for a few months now, and even that's proving to be completely agonising.

    Taken from Nancy Verrier's book, Coming Home to Self: http://www.nancyverrier.com/self_book.php

    For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn't understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.

    (pg 50)

    Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That's why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child's greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.

    (pg 102)

    It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn't as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you're not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."

    (pg 117)

    Please, if you're not gonna abort your baby, then make damn sure you parent it.

    Go read http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/03/bre... - it's by someone who made both choices at different times in her life.

    You may find some of the books and links listed over at http://7rin-on-adoption.dreamwidth.org/747.html useful.

    Good luck.

    Source(s): Abandoned early 1973. Reunited late 2009.
  • 1 decade ago

    It seems your in a place where you are thinkink logically about what is best for your child. You sould like you have a good setting financially and otherwise for you and your two boys, and if having a 3rd child would put you in a place that would compromise that for the 4 of you, then adoption might be your best awnser. You need to be able to provide for each child, and if you can not provide for this child, someone else can. If you would like to talk more you may email me at turner.family08@yahoo.com

    Source(s): Mother of one 4.5 year old (TTC for over a year now and now looking to adopt)
  • Linny
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    You should get some help. You should NOT give your child away. It will destroy the 2 sons you already have, your unborn son, and you. The only people adoption is the best option for would be the adoptive parents.

    His family does have the right idea- it is not normal to give your flesh and blood away to strangers. He will be forced to pay child support, there's no way around that.

    As an adoptee, I know the pain of being separated from my first parents and siblings. So do they. We will probably never heal. Do NOT do this to your family. There is help available to you.

    Source(s): being adopted
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