What do YOU think of thiss :D?

Okay, i had to do some changes. I put this before but it's different. I want to get constructive criticism and some harsh stuff. Okay well, here it is :D

(13 by the way, I wont stop until i have a book published. I want to get my imagination out there :D)

Chapter One: Meeting Scarlett Chase (It isn't there yet, later in the chapter.)

I watched in horror as the door creaked open. My breath hitched as the creatures head peeked in and I seen it's shadow from the smallest light coming out of the door. I suddenly heard the door being slammed open and I felt weight on my bed, a figure standing on my bed. I stayed stock still until I heard a pain filled blood-curdling scream. Until I realized it was mine...

I jolted up, my hairline covered in sweat as I wiped it away. I felt the sun beating down on my bed as it peered through my lilac coloured curtains, the white walls were bright as the sun shone onto them. I squinted my eyes, the sun's rays calming me down some. I finally opened my eyes fully and smiled and pulled the sheets off myself, leaving it messy and unmade I walked to the vanity. All my brushes and necessities on it as I brushed my dark auburn hair with my favorite brush.

I felt my hair as I took one last swipe, my hair was smooth. I still felt scared, my heart was still racing but almost to a normal beat. Flashbacks of other dreams flickered in front of my eyes, the horrifying dreams. A girl, not me but I was the girl in the dream, it was frightening.. Seeing her life vanish.. I never caught her name. I never seen the creatures. I also had a feeling I never ever would want to, but it isn't like my life is already miserable. Just seeing a different girls troubles doesn't make it much worse.

I sighed and walked to the cream coloured door, the door I have always locked before I slept. Knowing someone was outside the door waiting for me to wake up in the night. For the toilet or something. I opened it and grimaced.

There was my evil brother, James, standing there, his arms crossed. His angry scowl fixated on his face. I noticed his usually neat and tidy blonde hair was now messy and unmade, his tanned skin was blotchy. I frowned, confused.

“Annabelle, it's 12 in the afternoon. You're just so lazy! You don't do anything to help this family.” he sneered, I ground my teeth but held my temper. You know what they say about redheads and tempers.

“I'm sorry, but I can't fix the past.” I said, my voice full of fake regret.

“Exactly, but I will accept that apology.” he laughed and the high pitched snort was a total turn off. I frowned as he walked away but I kept walking, down the stairs and into the kitchen, there was my evil mother, her blonde hair in a bun as my dad sat at the table, reading a newspaper.

“Get the mail.” my dad growled out, I sighed. He went to get the newspaper but didn't get the mail? What, am I the maid..?

'Yes, you are.. You always have been!'

I flinched at the memory, my mother yelling at me as I asked her why.. Why I got treated this way, why I was the maid. If I was even one, and this was my response.

I sighed and opened the front door, walking down the path as I reached the green mailbox. Junk mail and one letter.

I gasped...

Update:

Irina, you my stupid little ugly not friend are something that needs to grow up! I don't want YOUR opinion any more. I hate you just by what you say to people. I feel angry. Not sad, or like i can't write. I am off the planet. I hate you, you need to leave people alone. If i say harsh you don't say. YOU CAN'T WRITE, THROW YOUR COMPUTER AT THE WALL AND GIVE UP!

TO LET YOU KNOW, THAT IS THE COWARDS WAY OUT!

So I wont let you stop me if i didn't let someone else before. You are a person who kills peoples dreams.

You need to grow up and tell them how to improve, tell the people what is wrong with it.

Just because i don't write in your genre of book doesn't mean you can boss me around.

I'm not stopping my writing and i wont ever. I'm 13 i have a long way to go.

So you can back off and let me be, if you want to be a picky snob then you can be that.

if you just tell someone to give up, they will. And they will feel unwanted. No one likes that feeling.. Not like you would care.

5 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I'm 13 as well so... :D

    Hmmm...there are definitely problems here that you should work on. Bad grammar is a pet peeve of mine.

    I fixed this part up a bit:

    I watched in horror as the door creaked open. My breath hitched in my throat as the creature's head peeked in and I saw it's shadow from the smallest light shining through of the door. I suddenly heard the door being *slammed open* and I felt a weight on my bed; a figure was standing on it. I stayed stock-still until I heard a pain-filled, blood-curdling scream. It was then that I realized it was my own...

    *slammed open* It's strange to read about something being slammed open. Try something like "torn open" or "pried open" for the same basic affect with better word choice.

    Bad grammar is an immediate turn-off to me when it comes to writing. You should work correcting the places where you used 'seen' for 'saw'. I didn't thoroughly read this, but I skimmed over it.

    It's obvious that Annabelle's family doesn't like her. Make sure you justify that somehow and make it believable. Don't just have them yell at her for a reason unknown. Don't have them go at her so harshly in the very beginning of the story. Introduce it to the readers gradually. For instance,

    "You're just so lazy! You don't do anything to help this family.” he sneered..."---That's a lot for her kid brother to say to her and that's a lot for a reader to take in. How about toning it down a bit with:

    "Your just so lazy, Annabelle," James sneered, "If you got up early for once in you life, maybe mom and dad would like you more."---That would make the reader think, Why don't Annabelle's parents like her? Baby steps are good. We can know how much of an utter disgrace she is to humanity a little later on.

    The writing itself isn't too bad, just work on grammar and spelling for now. You can polish up your writing later once the basic errors are fixed. Don't listen to the people who tell you to stop writing forever. Their standards are too high for the people who aren't perfect the first time around and that would be most of us. They don't understand that the writing can and will get better. Just practice, practice and practice! Good luck with your book!

    EDIT: No! Please do not post anything about how much you hate Irina. You sound unprofessional and childish! Words will NOT and CANNOT hurt you, so don't let them. If someone tells you to stop writing or they tell you they hate your work, show them how mature you are and how much of an adult you are. Say:

    "Thank you for your opinion, but I don't agree. I find your comments harsh and hurtful. Please try to be sensible to my feelings and my progress as a young author."

    That's how you earn respect because 13 year olds don't say that. They whine. By no means should you say over and over "I hate you." Hate is a big word.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Seen and saw is certainly a problem and apart from that there are some short abrupt sentences but really, keep writing. You can ignore all the criticism that tells you to give up without trying, that isn't called criticism at all. While some really don't have talent or any hope in becoming a writer, those people are rare and you're not one of that.

    Your writing style isn't too bad for a 13 year old. Heck, I might even write like you and I'm turning 16 (then again, I'm Asian) but keep it up!

    Also, if you want to get good reviews I suggest you sign up for fictionpress.com (or maybe it was .net). You can request for criticism in the forums there and it'll be much better than on Y!A

    Let me know if you need anything I can help with.

    Source(s): aspiring writer
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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Firstly noticed the 'seen' - 'saw' mixups a few times.

    Also the usage of some inverted commas, or more, lack of. Earliest example:

    "My breath hitched as the creatures** head peeked in and I seen it's** shadow from the smallest light coming out of the door."

    You're writing well for your age :) I think I started writing when I was 8 myself and I'm really hopeful about thecurrent novel I'm working on(when my writer's block goes away). :P

    Keep writing :) You'll get there one day

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  • 1 decade ago

    Here's two words for you: It Sucked.

    Seen, and Saw are two different words.

    You write like a two year old.

    Givee up now, you'll never succeed as a writer.

    Burn the piece of paper you wrote that on, and throw your computer against the wall.

    Sorry, Love, but you did ask for "Harsh" criticism, so here it is.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You seem to use the word "seen" instead of "saw" a lot through out this.

    Otherwise it was pretty good.

    Interesting story line...I'd like to find out what happens next.

    Good luck and keep writing!!!!!

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