What's happening to me?
I keep doing...weird things, and i don't get what's happening.
I'm been through the whole teenage rebel stage a long time ago, it's not that.
Basically, i don't sleep, till about four,
and my eating is so ******, all i eat is cereal, that's it, and if i eat anything else i just throw it up.
I was walking home from meeting a guy i've been seeing, the other night in the pouring rain,i had my headphones in and i just started dancing and spinning around in the street.
Then that night, i was in bed with my headphones in, and a horrible feeling came over me, i just dug my teeth into my upper hand and bit. The bite mark made me feel somehow...good.
Then i kept biting, the stronger the feelings felt the harder i bit down.
Then i dragged my nails down my arms as hard as i could.
I got out of bed and went downstairs, and my arms were a state.
I went into the medicine cuboard and took random hand fuls of pills, then got a knife and sliced little lines onto my wrist bone.
I remember holding the knife against my face, and thinking, that face brought so many spitful people into my life, so many boys that hurt me and so many girls that hate me.
Then i ran a freezing cold bath with candles and just sat in it, i couldn't help bite more.
The whole time i didn't cry, it was like i was trying to reach something, and i kept upping the harm everytime to get abit further there.
The weekend before i went to a party with music blasting and ended up in my underwear with everyone else dancing on a counter top, in a shower with my best friend, having dry sex with my her too, then coming home about one in the morning absolutely hammered.
My mum doesn't know.
I'm not a depressed emo or anything, i just get these random feelings..and now i can't stop biting myself.
I'm not scared, and i don't want to change, in a sense i liked the release, but i just wish i could understand why my peronality changes so much suddenly?
I'm 15 years old, i live in london..i'm quite physically attractive, nothing dramatic is going on in my life, i'm seeing a really nice guy, and my works doing well.so wtf?