(Short) Do you like this description?
Hi, I posted this last night but I wanna gather a few more opinions on it. ^^
I've been told it is nice but one person said it's too busy and that I should "choose one metaphor and stick with it" but I think that would be boring.
:] enjoy. x x
“I looked into her gleaming eyes, trying to make sense of her. They were an intense coal black, but strangely warm and busy. So much was happening inside them. The black didn't look like liquid, more like melting flint. With jagged frozen edges, scratches, ledges and patches of complete darkness. As if there were cliffs leading to endless pits where she kept all of her secrets. Secrets as precious as the black painite they were encased in.
I gazed more intently.”
^^ oh of course all of it isn't this descriptive. That would be wierd o.O
alright, thanks. I guess I'll make it shorter.
Painite is one of the worlds rarest gems.
I forgot to mention that it is improtant to the plot :| aha.
I don't see any words that I would need a thesaurus for.. :/
>.>!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate it hwen people asume they know anything when it's the exact opposite.
what the hell words do I need to get out of a thesaurus that are in this description!? NOTHING in my opinion so stop being rude to me !!!
No, I didn't use a thesaurus.
My friend said that you're probably being genuine but if you're being sarcastic then just imagine this reply being filled with insults.
T^T I really didn't use a theasaurus. I hardly ever use one, there aren't any long words in this at all. T_____T
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
I like this description and I'm certain I can picture the intensity and mystery that you are trying to portray in her character. It does have a couple of weak points, though. I've read your work before and know that you take criticism quite well. For this reason I'll tell you what I see.
This piece is a bit word heavy. I imagine that you feel the same way about it when you read it. The sentence "With jagged frozen edges, scratches, ledges and patches of complete darkness" would be a bit more fluid with only three examples. Of these, it would appear the word patches is the weakest link. It would still have the effect you were looking for and would eliminate a bit of linger in that area if it were removed. You might have felt the same way, but were reluctant to make any cuts. I know how it feels to describe something perfectly only to read it later and feel that something is wrong. I don't like removing any words from what I write, but I have to sacrifice it for the greater good of the work itself.
That sentence would also be better served if it were at the end of the one before it. - "The black didn't look like liquid, more like melting flint with jagged frozen edges, scratches and ledges of complete darkness."
Remember, that getting all of the information to the reader doesn't have to happen all at once. You can separate the description into two different encounters. Each time you can give a bit more about how deep she really is.
“I looked into her gleaming eyes, trying to make sense of her. They were an intense coal black, but strangely warm and busy. So much was happening inside them. As if there were cliffs leading to endless pits where she kept all of her secrets. Secrets as precious as the black painite they were encased in." - This lets us know the depth of the character and allows us to form opinions as to what we can expect from her in the near future. I didn't want to alter the actual writing so I just cut the other lines out. I know that it no longer captures things in the exact order you were originally shooting for, but it is brief enough and descriptive enough to tell us so much about her.
"The black didn't look like liquid, more like melting flint with jagged frozen edges, scratches and ledges of complete darkness." - This description can be used at any time before or after the other to give us a mental image allowing us to see her as the narrator does. A different character might see her as the first one did. That character could then delve further into the beauty or horror that lies within her by using this line as a foundation for that thought.
By separating these points you won't oversaturate the reader and yet still convey the original message. On the other hand, if it is important to the story to get these things across all at once then do what is best for the story as a whole.
Your use of the word painite is completely cool. As a writer you control the brush and paint your mental picture as you see fit. I've never read a book where all of the author's words of choice were ones I already knew. I looked painite up after reading your post. I now know what it is and it was not at the cost of the rhythm that I've mentioned to you before. Well done.
- stormieLv 43 years ago
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- 1 decade ago
Great use of words, but too much description. Seriously, readers don't care about every single thing that happens, they want to read more of the story and not waste time reading long paragraphs about someone's eyes. But, if this has a meaning in it and is needed for something later in the story, then you may keep it. Otherwise, get rid of some of it!
Hope I helped :)
- 1 decade ago
Ugh, I literally could barely read all that description. I almost skipped the whole paragraph and went to the bottom to move onto the story. A couple metaphors here and there are ok but this is the perfect exampel of TRYING to impress the reader. However, a lot of authors forget that the readers DONT care- they just want to read a good story.
In regard to the above answers, I find that a lot of people just read paragraphs alone without thinking as if they were reading a novel (you need to write like you're the reader too). Don't listen to their criticism- it's obvious they are not thinking about your book in the long run or are merely sucking up without reading it at all.
Remember, also, that it is very easy to write secluded descriptive paragraphs but very, very difficult to write equally descriptive novels. Though we all like to think we are all writing geniuses (yes me too), it is simply very difficult. Examine your novel and see if that is the only paragraph like this one. If so, you know what to do.
I coincide with JH's opinion it is COMPLETELY overdone.
EDIT: I know a lot of writers don't like to hear how bad their story is, but harsh criticism is the only way to become a better writer. I know from experience.
On a side note, I actuallly had another account, but people were a tad nasty to my harsh criticism so I had to make another one. I am actually all4Jesus if you reconize me.Source(s): 15 years old fellow writer
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- Anonymous1 decade ago
Too much detail, people don't care about that stuff when they're reading, as someone else said 'they just want a good story'.
Fragment: 'As if there were cliffs leading to endless pits where she kept all of her secrets.'
Other than the things I've pointed out, it's good.
- 1 decade ago
I hate when writers think they're being clever by packing a bunch of fancy adjectives together from a thesaurus. Your taking the easy way out by injecting all those adjectives. It drains all the emotion, and all your left with is a jumbled paragraph with adjectives.
- 1 decade ago
Its way too over the top. Its purple prose at its finest. I agree with the person that said its too busy, if you carry on like this you'll have got through 10 chapters before we even begin to establish who this person is.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Wow, that was amazing! Very deep and descriptive; it actually felt like you were gazing into her eyes. Good luck with whatever you're writing :D
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I can see the eyes.
Beautifully dark and descriptive.
Yes, it could be toned down just a tad...but it's good as it is.
If the rest of your story (if this is part of it?) isn't this descriptive, you'll definitely want to tone it down.
- AlexLv 51 decade ago
Wow. That is really good. Did you use a thesaurus, or did you do that alone?