Can You help me beef up my english Essay?

I just wrote this(yes it is a super-early rough draft) and I would like some help with beefing up my essay with more analogies, logos and pathos and syllogisms and all that good stuff. I had to write this quickly because I was in a bit of a time crunch, so I know it needs a lot of work.

Although I really appreciate your enthusiasm please do not re-write the whole essay or sections of it: I merely want suggestions and ideas and maybe a few examples and pointers as to where and how I can make this a more convincing argument.

BTW it's supposed to be an editorial and be no more than 1000 words.

Here is the prompt, and the essay follows:

"In the social media age, teens and young adults comprise an important demographic. According to the pew institute, 65% of online teens use social media. To many in this age group, sites like Facebook and Twitter are vehicles for modern self expression. However, in september 2009, President Obama advised a group of virginia students to carefully use facebook because 'in the YouTube age, whatever you do, it will be pulled up again later somewhere in your life.' Is the president Correct? Should Minors be heed this warning? or do they understand the weight of having a permanent and detailed online record of their lives?

Is the solution to ban minors from social networking sites--until they are of age and responsible for their own choices? Write and editorial voicing your opinion about restricting young people from using social media websites..."

Essay:

To network or not to network?

That is the question. There is a great debate these days about the internet and whether or not teens should be allowed to use social Networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter, and Myspace. The Theory is that in this modern digital age anything posted on the internet will indefinitely remain there forever, and come back to haunt you when you are older. But are Theories always correct? Of course not. This is an important time in every teens life, one when they must learn to make good choices, and learn to live with their mistakes, and social networking sites should be no different. Teenagers Should be allowed to use social networking sites, as they are a valid form of self expression, communication, and promote a feeling of community.

Everyone has to live with their mistakes, and teenagers are no different. We are at the point in our lives when we need to learn to make good choices, and learn to live with our mistakes. Why should the internet be any different? Making good choices is an extremely important part of being an adult, and what better place to start with than the internet to prepare and train ourselves for adulthood?

Also, why let one apple spoil the Bunch? Just because a small percent of kids make mistakes, or lapses in judgment, why ruin the fun for everyone? Instead of, say more closely monitoring the internet usage of those kids? Although it is possible that some things may be pulled up at a later date, there is absolutely no guarantee that it will be the ruin of our applications to colleges. Chain reactions like that don't automatically happen to everyone.

Most importantly, trying to eliminate or restrict usage of social networking sites is akin to trying

to eliminate the criminal record of a person: if the person has done shameful things in their lifetime,

then they have to live with them, if the person has done nothing wrong, they have nothing to worry

about. Although Criminal Records and social networking sites and the internet seem like night and day, they are actually quite similar: both are relatively permanent, both can seriously help or hurt you in the future, and both can store information about your Criminal history, and more importantly, both can be accessed by almost anyone, such as college admissions advisers, potential employers, and the like. And I don't see anyone campaigning to eliminate criminal records forever.

Fine, You know what, lets stop usage of social networking sites, that should solve the potential

problem of a permanent record, right? Wrong-what about the countless YouTube videos and personal blogs and photo diaries on Flickr? Might as well restrict usage to those as well. In fact, since almost anywhere on the internet can be used as a personal diary of sorts, we might as well eliminate internet usage all together. I don't think so. Although that solves the problem of “internet diaries” people-kids in particular-will always find away around, whether it be by cellphone, “old fashioned” paper notes, or some other method. What do you do when your mom tells you not to eat a cookie before dinner? You eat a cookie before dinner. Attempting to restrict usage of Myspace and Facebook just makes defiant teens (almost all teens are defiant) more likely to join in an act of rebellion.

Although this may seem like a hopeless situation, small steps can and should be taken to

eliminate potential hazards teens fa

1 Answer

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  • 1 decade ago
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    Nicely done.

    Just small things I noticed, at the beginning you speak of "mistakes" and follow it with "no different" and a few lines down you repeat "mistakes" as well as "no different". You may not be repeating yourself but using the same wording so close creates a sense of dejavu. Perhaps synonyms?

    Is "potential hazards teens face" the end? If so, I'd suggest adding that it shouldn't be to the extreme of banning social networking, etc. or something to that effect. Simply because, if left as is it sounds slightly contradictory to everything else you've said. It's well written so don't let your ending fizzle out.

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