Husband doesn't help out!?

I'm a stay at home mother of two children, ages 2 and 6. I understand that being at home makes most of the housework my duty and I have no problem with that. The problem is that my husband apparently thinks the children are my sole duty as well. I am up at 6am 7 days a week and I rarely get into bed before 11pm. Our toddler is really high-maintenance and demands most of my energy throughout the day and sometimes even throughout the night. Does he ever get up to help me in the middle of the night? No. Will he? No. He says he "needs to sleep in on the weekends to recover from his work week." (He is in the military which is definitely a demanding job; however, since he's been in home port, they only work an average of 4 hours a day and most of that time is spent sitting in class or in meetings.) He just seems so removed from the family process. It's like he's just here taking up space on the couch. He has no idea who our kid's doctor is, has no idea when our bills are due or even to whom I write checks to every month, etc. I do everything! I've asked him many times to contribute and I try to keep him in the loop as much as possible but he doesn't seem interested. He constantly nags me for sex, to the point where it becomes a chore and I hate him because he goes on and on about it. It's not like we never do anything! We're "together" at least 5 times a week. I finally told him, after months of fighting, that I thought we needed counseling. He said he'd go, offered to arrange the sessions and has been blowing it off ever since. His excuse is that he doesn't have time. *sigh* I resent him so much (as I'm sure you can tell!) and it's really affecting the way I feel about him overall. Does anyone else have this problem? I know that he loves me and our kids but I don't think he respects me. When I stand my ground, he tells me that if I were to leave him, I'd have it so much harder because I'd have to do everything I'm already doing, plus I'd have to work outside the home. (I used to work 60+ hours a week as a single mother before so it's not like I couldn't do it.) Help!

Update:

We will have been married for 3 years this Saturday, so yes, we haven't been married that long. This morning he came home at 8am and said he doesn't have to go back to work until 1pm. My son is in school at the moment and the baby is watching Clifford so I asked him if we could talk for a moment. We went and sat down in the bedroom and I told him we were obviously having problems and that I don't think we can solve them all at this moment. I said I loved him and then he said, "Let me guess... I didn't get up with the baby this morning so you're mad." I told him that wasn't the only issue and he got up, slammed the door so hard the frame on it broke and left again. I think I'm done here. Thanks for everyone's help.

11 Answers

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  • Muse
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    My husband doesn't do anything as well. No time with the kids, no involvement in household tasks or knowing how to pay his bills, not wanting to spend time with me unless it's having sex, etc.

    I 'went on strike' (stopped doing things that were specific to him - laundry, etc). It didn't work. He just got worse and told me that it was clear to him that I don't do anything around here. Things escalated. He tells me that I'd have it harder too and that I couldn't possibly do it all on my own. (All I'd be doing is trading 50 hours each week that I'm home for a paying job and commute time but he doesn't realize that...)

    I came to a stark realization that I can either a) put up with it or b) leave. There is no other option as you can't make someone do or be something they're not. I'm choosing to leave.

    What's sad is that I didn't see this coming. He didn't use to treat me this way but I know that if I stay it will only continue to get worse. I deserve to be happy and right now I believe that I would be happier doing everything on my own without steam coming out of my ears while he sits on his @ss and does nothing (or worse - complains about what I'm doing).

    For the record, I know military men who (gasp) HELP their wives when they come home from work - even little babies who are breast or bottlefed. Our husbands are lazy and manipulative and feel that they don't have to lift a finger. Reality is going to be a slap in the face when I leave and he doesn't even know where the filing cabinet is for his checkbook and bills. I'd almost like to be around to watch him stagger around the house trying to find things.

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  • Megan
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Sounds like you havent been married all that long and yes this is normal behavior, you need to have some time for yourself tell him not ask that on such an such a day you will be talking so me time even if it is just an hour at the Gym on this day he will be in charge of the kids do this at least once a week you need an out it will help you with your feelings give you time to think go get you hair done or fingers, toes do something it really doesnt matter maybe just go for a run whatever it is you enjoy. Dont resent him I mean really think about this: Most moms half to work and miss every special moment of their childs growing up while you are pulling out your hair your also getting to see all these special once in lifetime moments and how sweet that is. House work will always be there it will never go away so let it go once in a while relax have fun with your kids they will only be young once then thats it they will move out and you will have plenty of time for housework then. As for your hubby sounds like he is just focused on work and probably was raised with the thought that he should be the provider of the home and either doesnt think any of it is his responsibility or doesnt really know what to do because you do such a great job with it. These things are little things and should not be dwelled apon because it really doesnt matter in the end if your house was clean or not having kids is hard and takes lots of work so let the small things go and enjoy your situation if hubby comes around good if not is he really that bad? try to talk with him not at him when a man feels he is in charge it works did see where I said feels... I am sure you know how to per swayed him to get what you want to just look at different ways to get him to help like when he is in the kitchen say while your in there can you take the trash out with you on the way to the garage? and end it with Thank you and I love you (dont say anything else be very sweet) just changing the way you ask might help make things more like can you do me a favor instead of You never help me, You cant even take out the trash! Jerk/ try to make it sound more positive or make it his idea ... Good Luck

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  • 1 decade ago

    I'm guessing, he wasn't like that before the second child came? What's changed? If he won't go to counseling, maybe you can go alone. I have no idea what could have made a man change so much in such a short period of time. My husband and I have been together for over 5 years, and he's more or less the same guy he was in the beginning. I don't know how well I would take it if he suddenly stopped pulling his share of the weight, and loaded me up with literally everything. I imagine, I would give him the benefit of the doubt at first, and try to get some counseling - together or by myself.

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  • 1 decade ago

    What do you want help with here? I'm not coming over and doing the housework or getting up with the babies. you want to know our opinion if you should get divorced? It's up to you if you've laid it out in those terms to him and want to give him a chance to chip in. You want to know what will change him? Possibly the same ultimatum, but maybe not. You want to know you're justified in expecting him to pitch in with the kids? Hell yeah from a working fathers point of view. Those are his kids too. By the way, I'm a single father and now that the housewife is gone, the house is cleaner than ever and the kids are taken care of better and I still have the full time demanding job. Actually got easier for me to get her out of the way or expect her to pitch in. No expectation now.

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  • 4 years ago

    I think its important to look at what store the receipt is from as well as what was purchased. It could give you clues as to whether he was skipping work to do something he shouldnt have been doing. If its something common, like groceries, maybe the time was wrong. Try and think back to when he purchased the item on the receipt. Perhaps its from a supply store and he had to pick something up for his office? If that doesnt help, I would call, or go to the store, and ask the cashiers if the time is usually right and i would enquire about the item that was purchased on the receipt. Once again, if its something minute, I wouldnt worry about. But obviously if its something that he shouldnt have been buying then you should certainly bring it up.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Y THE **** R U TELLING ME this talk to ur husband tell him how feel about the problems. He sees it as ur here all day u pick up the load. But remind him about the relationship you to have and ur suppose to work as a unit to rasie the kids. Have a 1-on-1 TALK like seriously sit down and talk of a solution, tell him how you really feel. Then he should open if you 2 are face to face.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Go on strike- he sounds like the type who will only notice what all you do when you DON'T do it. On his day/time off, hand him the baby and leave for a bit- let him see how it is when the shoe's on the other foot. Contrary to what he may think, being the breadwinner is NOT his only responsibility and his day does NOT end when he comes home.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Hmmmm I see he is being lazy and he doesn't really believe you will leave him. I think you should teach him a lesson, maybe move to your parents house for two months and he will be beggng you to come back then you just show him the rules. You must be more demanding, but don't be a bratt either, I notice most women in your sittuation are just being big spoiled brats.

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  • 1 decade ago

    You need to remind him that if you were to leave.... he would have the toddler for 48 hours.... and a high mantains toddler.... he also would not have a made to do all the house work.....

    What you need is to get a hold of wife swap and see if you could swap places with somebody else....

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  • 1 decade ago

    HE MUST HELP YOU!!!!

    Considere your "stay-home-mom" your full time job! so as him,you to need a break when he comes home from work,AT LEAST WITH THE KIDS!!!.....

    I understand we can't demand much from them since they're "out-and-about-working" but how about our free time? how about when you wanna relax?

    You need to make him clear that it'll be way worse if you leave,for him more than for you!-since you do it everyday!.....

    Hope everything wokrs out for the better!

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