? asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

does this poem sound good to give to her?

does it sound alright? does it need to be edited? please critique

you see, i have something to admit.

i'm not sure how to assert it,

my heart skips a beat when we speak

and my knees become really weak

this hasn't happened to me for awhile,

it's the first time i really felt like i could smile

now, i just want to hold your hand,

but you're in a far away land

so hopefully this will do,

just as long as you'd like it too,

you make my mind swirl and twirl,

so, baby would you like to be my girl?

4 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I think this sounds fine......its great like it is~

    The only line I think u should change, is the

    last, as there is too many extra words and

    it disrupts the flow.....It would sound better:

    you make my mind swirl and twirl,

    so baby would you..... be my girl?..

    but thats just my opinion...

    otherwise, its perfect! Excellent~

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Try this your poem is a little like a fluffy wimp wrote it.

    Girl if we ever get in the same place

    I am going to kiss and rub your lovely face

    My life has been cold and your are my fire

    I want to lay with you my naked desire

    My thoughts have been only of you

    Can we get together and share some love Goo

    That has some sauce your is fat-free

  • 1 decade ago

    It's cute and light. It's perfect if you know each other well and the feeling seems to be mutual! It doesn't promise your undying love, it just confesses attraction. It's a good poem, but make sure it's the message you want to convey :)

  • 1 decade ago

    Russian mail order brides are you best answer

    no poetry required.....

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