Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

What do you think of the beginning to my story?

Her cruel fingers laced around Jamie’s neck, and squeezed. His eyes shot open and bulged. His mouth tried to open, but she clamped tighter. His legs thrashed, but her thighs pierced his hips. Soon, Jamie’s efforts weakened and Jeanette’s hands relaxed. She sat down on him, his limp and lifeless body no more than a lump of flesh. What had been her husband lay in the bed, still and listless. Janette dismounted and slinked off to the bathroom to wash his stench from her flesh.

Elsewhere on Preston Row, the residents slept peacefully. None were the wiser that the street had lost a member. None knew that Jamie Powell, the veterinarian, had just been murdered by his secretarial wife. They slept on, Marilyn McKammon dreamt of her secret lover, Justin Thomas dreamt of the dark doorway which filled his dreams, Linda Grants dreams were filled with the faces of her children.

its going to be about the lifes of the people on Preston Row, and follow their lives. sort of like a sitcom. if its too boring, or you have issues with my writing, comment!

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I don't know anything about writing but I'll chime in. I don't know how thighs pierce hips. Using the word flesh twice in 20 words seems repetitive. Dreaming of a dark doorway that filled his dreams is confusing.

    I don't know that the murder of a spouse in reality could be as clean and matter of fact as you have made it. A sentence where maybe she is disgusted to have to clean a piece of spiitle that flew in her hair during his death rattle would be effective. Something detailed and plausible like that...

    If your story will work, it will be fiction but it must be based very much in reality and you have to make that reality deeply detailed and sometimes surprising. Otherwise, it's just a news report.

    It's a huge time commitment. Best of Luck...

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  • 1 decade ago

    i really must be too much of a psychologist, but i'd like to know- do you hate men? if you have had healthy relationships w/ men including family members, then i think your book will be a best seller. (well, either way it sounds like a winner) and actually if you have not had healthy relationships, this could be very good therapy. so my comment is thumbs up.

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  • 1 decade ago

    ok this sounds more like a movie to me then a book.

    an way i think that it sounds good.

    what is the book called

    Source(s): add more info like what is the book called....
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  • 1 decade ago

    that was awesome, caught my interest right away not like other stories!

    a few typos in the beginning, but I think its great :D

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I liked it a lot. It really caught my attention.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I liked it. It drew me in well.

    It does sound a bit ... sort of "pretentious", but that's no so bad.

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  • 1 decade ago

    great story id love to read more of it if possible

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  • 1 decade ago

    its great!! keep it up girlll .. :)

    Source(s): my tiny brain
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  • 1 decade ago

    wow...that was......AWESOME!!!!keep writin' girl!!

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