READERS! Can you help me here? :)?
I'm not the sort to complain.
Ha! You believed that for a second, didn't you? Okay, so I complain. A lot. In fact, should probably get a medal or something for the faults I've pointed out in life. But this is ridiculous!
Let me explain.
A few weeks ago, I met an amazing girl called Iva. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Ha! So how long did that last, Jareth?"
Shut up. So Iva was a fighter like me, really doing her part in the war. Everyone admired her. She was skillful, thoughtful and beautiful. Renowned simply for being herself, but she wasn't excessively famous or anything. Just your local hero.
Anyway, I must have said or done something for her to take an interest in me. Or maybe it was just my striking good looks. More likely, I blurted out something that just so happened to sound sweet, or...something.
Things were going great. She laughed at my lame jokes and taught me a lot that I hadn't known before I met her. She made me get this ridiculous grin on my face whenever I was around her. Sometimes I felt her smiling when we kissed, so I hope the feeling was mutual.
There was one problem. My cousin.
HE'S the war hero, the famous one. My older cousin by two years, Zethan, had a personal grudge against me...since we were little, pretty much. He did all he could to break us up, just because he thought I didn't deserve her. But it didn't work. Whatever it was that we had, it was too strong for Zeth to break.
But the risk remained. So we planned to move camps, move to a safer spot out in the eastern coast. The war hadn't reached the eastern coast yet, so I worked hard to try to get a transfer for us both to do some research work there.
I got the transfer. Everything was planned out. Everything was perfect.
Until the battle.
Those FIENDS on the other side of the war chose that instant to attack us in a cowardly lack of chivalry! They assaulted our camp with a patrol of only about twenty or thirty, but they caught us by surprise and we almost lost the fight. Most of our people managed to get out of there safely.
I remember seeing her lying on the ground, struggling to breathe, panic in her eyes, blood everywhere. She said she couldn't move. Even when I lifted her hand to touch my face, she said she couldn't feel me there. She knew what was going to happen. She'd broken her neck, and there was nothing either of us could do.
So my cousin, being the war hero he is, decided to get me safely out of there. I was screaming, shouting, fighting him the whole way as he dragged me away from her. But he was my superior, and I had to comply. Iva died minutes later, and I wasn't with her.
I'm on the east coast now. I'm doing safe research work. But I want more than anything to be back on the frontline, I want to take out all the burning revenge I desperately seek against those cowards who caused Iva's death.
And people wonder why I complain.
~~ This is the beginning of book three in a pentalogy. All these events have been told in book two. Believe it or not, this character (Jareth) is with the "bad guys". His cousin is the antagonist of the book.
By the way, he's fifteen. Young, yes, but it's fantasy. Looks a bit like this...
Anyway, what did you think of that passage? It's not my best work, so any help is welcome :)
Please be dead honest. I don't want "oh...yeah...that's good" stuff. if it's terrible, let me know - just let me know how to improve too :)
- 10 years agoFavorite Answer
it does makes me want to read more. and there are already questions in my head. Don't get me wrong, questions are good, they keep me wanting for more. but i can't figure out where is this heading. what's the main "thing" of this story? is it about the broken relationship of Jareth and Zeth? Of Jareth finding his true self?? Of Jareth and his revenge? That is important. from your excerpt above it sounded like all three....
- SydLv 410 years ago
good, for fantasy. i actually do like it, im not just saying that lol. there are a few errors here and there but every story has those. even professionally published ones. all in all good story, keep writing your good at it.
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