Criticize my writing?
You can be as harsh as you want, just please criticize this prologue for me. I'm not sure how long the book will be; it's definitely not a short story but it may end up being a short book. Btw the blank lines will be the name of the city.
The radiant sun shone through the massive skyscrapers which enveloped the peaceful city of _________; a metropolis in which crime was well-managed and the government maintained a brilliant façade of happiness and success. However, in truth, the city was falling apart while corrupt officials began to take control of government, making figureheads out of the very people who hired them. The streets were clean yet they never seemed so dirty, with scum at every corner. Nevertheless, as far as the average person was concerned, _______ was a thriving city built on success, unity, and integrity. It truly was a joke, for the people who walked the streets of corruption to be oblivious to the transgressions of their very own society. Yet these people continued to be content with their lives, content with integrity. When seen from an outside perspective it is truly quite ironic; the people loved this idea of integrity and yet none of them upheld it.
As a boy walked to school he was greeted by his friends, greeted by his neighbors, greeted by society and yet he made no attempt to reply, for he knew of this hoax, this elaborate scheme, or so he thought. As pathetic as it was he knew more than most and yet he knew nothing, for in the grand scheme of things he was just as ignorant to the truth of society as everyone else. However, unlike others he did not believe that this ignorance was bliss. He struggled to set himself apart from society, to maintain a façade similar to those around him while being aware of these lies and he succeeded, in a way. In his attempt to gain knowledge of the truth, he began to manipulate society, at his own level, gaining control of his friends, his family, everyone around him. Despite this success he was still dissatisfied. He thought he had overcome society, believed he was superior to everyone else whereas everyone else just thought he was another person, another friend, another lost cause. No one truly believed in each other however, no one attempted to control one another either. They just simply wished to live out their lives. Thus this boy, seemingly harmless to society was, in reality, an imposing disruption which, if left unattended, could become a detrimental aspect in maintaining the façade which everyone strived to sustain. Any one person can change the world; why not start with the weather?
- hoboLv 61 decade agoFavorite Answer
And then Batman jumps out of the shadows and says, "time to clean up this town of __________!"
I don't know. It's not terrible, but your perspective is strange. Your obviously an omniscient narrator, but you're an omniscient narrator with a strong opinion on political corruption, which makes me think that you shouldn't be omniscient. Usually if you're going to talk from the 3rd person, you arn't going to be so open about your opinions, but rather, give examples that would slant your reader in that direction. For instance, it's a bright and sunny day in the clean town, while in the Mayor's office, blah blah blah is being signed under the table...
Then by the end of your boy paragraph, you become so abstract in your wording that I completely lost touch with what you were trying to say. You need to simplify and make things more solid--more specific. The abstract is great, but if you're going to draw a reader in, start with something that gives them a clearer picture of what they're in for.
- 1 decade ago
This sounds like an interesting concept, but I think that its lacking in details.
There's a lot of 'telling' and not a lot of 'showing'. There are a lot of good things going on here, but try and 'show' more :) I'm not entirely sure how to explain it, but this is an intro that *tells* me that I should feel like this was a corrupted city, rather I'd like to be shown so I come to that conclusion on my own.
If that just totally doesn't make sense, then yeah just more details about the city. Let's hear maybe about how it looks, then we can kinda picture things and get more into it :)
- 1 decade ago
Honestly... I've read a lot of these type of questions about reading essays or books or whatever... and yours has to be among the best - if not the best. It is well-written, stylish, technically accurate and compelling...
You just need to dot your I's and cross your T's (so to speak - look at the finer details)
Also some of your writing is over elaborating and feels like you are gushing - this can be perceived as being false...
A very good, firm story... if you look at the finer details and look at what your passage says to you you'll do fine :)