What do you think of this small excerpt?
It's the start of my story, and Its a fantasy (although you can't tell right now (in my prolouge you can though,))
I just want your opinion, and I am hoping to draw some male readers, even though the start is very feminine.
all comments appreciated, I just wrote this a few minutes ago.
Doubt was traced over Hilary Finch’s face as she sat on her mahogany, powder-blue covered bed in one of the top-most dormitories of the terrace. She watched as her best friend paraded around the room in circles, holding two beautiful evening dresses; one a short, peacock blue, and the other a flowing peach. The dresses glistened in the dormitory’s light and Hilary could hardly tear her eyes away from them. The soft silks were sure to be a hand-crafted creation of a truly magnificent designer, and perhaps they were even unique... Hilary snapped out of her daze and shook her head.
The parcel containing the items had arrived for her only earlier in the day with a note attached from her mother. But Hilary didn’t read the note, nor was she ever going to wear the dresses.
Greta sighed. “Fine… I guess It’s up to you… but you would look super stunning in them. Not to mention, everyone would be so jealous!” Greta flopped down on the bed opposite from Hilary’s and started stroking the long peach gown fondly. Hilary didn’t surrender to her best friend’s puppy eyes.
“My mother just can’t win me over with a few labeled gifts, Greta. Don’t you see that it’s just a bribe? She wants me to wear one of them to her wedding rehearsal; I know that’s what the note says. But I’m not. This is her fifth husband in three years! You can have them if you want, otherwise I’ll be sending them back to Paris in their black velvet boxes.”
“They are from Paris? I wish my mother wasn’t so caught up in her cook-books... otherwise she may spend some of her money on me for once-” Hilary cut Greta off.
“I would rather a mother who actually cared about her children, even if she just cared about us slightly more than her fortunes and popularity. She lives in the world of socialites and dinner parties – your mother may be known for her catering amongst these parties, but she still spends more time with her family than mine.” Hilary stood up and walked over to the dormitory’s open window. The sky was turning a soft pink as the sun set over the city of Fawcett and Beatrice Paxton’s ladies college looked over the area.
“Okay,” Greta carefully laid the dress down on the bed. “You win. Your mother is a *****. But that doesn’t mean she can make your life miserable – you’re at a boarding school, you don’t need to see her at all! Just forget about it. Come on, we have soccer training before the formal dinner.”
Hilary followed Greta silently out the dormitory door, watching her friend’s silky black mane shimmer in her wake. Hilary didn’t share dormitories with Greta, yet it almost felt as if they did. Hilary’s real roommate was always stuck in the library now that she was in her final year of schooling, and Greta just couldn’t stand her border.
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
its good... not many big problems, but when you enter the piece, try to flow in, you know? Like
"Doubt draped gently over Hilary Finch's face..."
instead of something like that; make it immediately captivating or the reader won't read it throughout, you should enter softly and come out with a bang. Otherwise it's great!
- timebombLv 61 decade ago
I agree with Paradox. There aren't many major problems but you might want to work on making the piece flow a little better.
Instead of: Doubt was traced over Hilary Finch’s face as she sat on her mahogany, powder-blue covered bed in one of the top-most dormitories of the terrace.
Try maybe something like: Hilary Finch sat on her mahogany, powder-blue bed in one of the best dormitories of the terrace. To any other girl, her situation would be ideal, maybe even most desired, but to her, all it did was trace doubt across the sharp features of her face and make her question herself even further.
You just have to make the words connect with each other. Big words aren't always necessary. Simple words that mean the same thing will do just as well. Most of all, you have to show and not tell. You have to compare situations and actions to things the reader can identify and compare to, like "The pain crashed down on me like a million waves in a tsunami." People can identify with pain and a tsunami so they think "Oh, lots of violent pain!" and the writing creates pictures for them. And it's good also to read your work to yourself and just listen to it. Because when I read, I hear the words in my head, so I want the writing to sound good.
Also, what time period and location is this school? I can't really tell. But they sound English to me because of their speech and the fact that they go to a boarding school. Just wondering...:)
- BonniLv 41 decade ago
Very nice, lots of colors, had to reread the one sentence..city of Fawcett and Beatrice Paxton's ladies college (that sentence kinda hung there). But had you gone on I would have continued reading. Keep going! Good luck.Source(s): avid reader
- 1 decade ago
very, very cool! I love it! I am a writer myself and wish i could have written something as amazing as that. When and if you write more please let me know, my e-mail is: email@example.com
your writing is wonderful!!!!!!