I found my spouse's birth mother..he wants to meet his birth family without me!?! please answer fast!?

Please read all of this so you can understand before answering...My fiance and I just had a little girl a few months back. During that time I realized if we had chosen to give her up for adoption (when we got pregnant we were in the process of breaking up), I would never go a single day without wondering what happened to my baby, how she turned out, who she looked like, if she felt loved, I would want to see her again.

story, his mother was young, and gave him up for adoption, altho she chose the adoption fam before giving birth and was supposed to give him up at the hospital..she kept him for a month, so he would later know she really loved him but couldn't keep him due to her circumstance.

long story short... i explained to him how i felt about our baby and how his bmom must be wonderng about him and askd if he wanted to meet her, he said yes,but since is aparents wouldnt give info bc they felt that it wasnt appropriate for his bmom to get to be in his life ever, he was hesitant. he also felt it would cost a lot of money and time to find her.

So I did some simple research, found the agency, who found his bmom, and his bmom relayed the msg she really would love to talk to him. long story short again.. as of monday they exchanged emails..numbers...fb, etc.. he's been texting his bmom and his bsisters and it's only been 3 days..he's already looking for a flight. but when he said he is going to go alone (even tho his bmom is a sweet christian, who wants to meet me and the baby). I asked why and he lied to me. he said it would cost too much (she lives in the US). we have plenty of money so i was insulted that he would even suggest that. I said, "but we're you're family, and we are eacother's half, so why wouldn't you want to experience this together?" then he lied to his bmom and said all this stuff about how he tried to find her when in reality I am the one who did all of the foot work for 4 months. I'm confsed..i understnd wantiing to meet her alone..but in our situation (trust me on this one) i dnt understand him. he is very smart, very rational..and never makes haste decisions..so this is out of character and if he leaves me here to experience this major part of his life without me..I feel slightly hurt. i do understand him wanting to do this alone in some sense..but a bigger part of me is completely set back. i support him either way bc i love him..but this is hard to face.. any opinions from other spouses of adopted ppl? or suggestions on what to say to him or talk to him about? i need answers fast..he gets off work soon and will want to talk about it.


I mean fast like within the next couple of hours. thanks =)

Update 2:

she wanted him but grew up without a dad and his bdad disapprd..didn't have money or means so wanted him to have a better life...plus in her email she wanted to meet all of us..

Update 3:

Couldn't choose a best answer due to my level being only 1. but hi5, thanks for your opinion...it seemed to relax me a bit and see a different side of the apple. thank you so much.

Update 4:

7weeks until im a mommy: Thanks for your input! =)

Update 5:

Every answer on here is helping me more and more...this is a big one..i surely appreciate this everyone! Thanks for the kudos SLY. =)

Update 6:

Thanks to the addnt'l inputs...every single one is helping so much.

Update 7:

Thanks cruzgirl...for adding your personal experience.

Update 8:

Thanks..I'm definitely going to let him go alone with pressure..giving him my full love and support and I know he doesn't mean to hurt me... him going alone is for the best and the way it should be..I'm at peace and I thank everyone for their answers..most of you deserve best answer for this. amazing what strangers can change in your life. I love it. =)

Update 9:

*withOUT pressure i meant. lol. I should get an award for most added details comments on my own question.

25 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I completely 100% understand where he is coming from. I just went through this. I am a recently reunited adoptee and I know my husband was hurt that I did not include him in the initial reunion. Please understand, reunion is the most intensely personal experience a person can go through. I think my husband was baffled that after 43 years, I didn't talk to him more about it, or express more feelings. The thing is, I completely went inside of myself, I could not share it at first. You have known your parents all your life and you take many things for granted, like sounding like someone, looking like someone, thinking like someone. You know your parents won't reject you. But an adoptee facing a reunion is hit over the head with everything at once. My feelings were like a rollercoaster....I wanted reunion, I didn't want reunion. I was thrilled, I was terrified. I was afraid I would not like them, and I didn't want to be embarrassed. I didn't want to answer questions about how I was feeling when I didn't know what I was feeling at any given moment. I wish I could explain it. I just didn't want to deal with anyone's emotions but my own and I didn't want to have to worry about anyone else. Everyone was acting so "excited" and asking many questions, but it was frustrating to me because "excited" wasn't exactly what I was feeling. It was so much deeper and I was frustrated because I could never quite articulate what this felt like....meeting your family after 44 years. It would have been difficult to feel that frustration in the midst of meeting them. It is like having to interpret in a different language what is going on.

    Think about it, how many people introduce their spouses to their parents when they haven't even met them yet? I want to introduce my husband to my mother and first family now. In fact, I can't wait. They are amazing. But I want to do it on my terms. I want to be the one introducing if that makes sense. And I think it will be very special. I wanted my family to know me as individual first, and then as a wife and mother.

    Please be patient with your husband. This is an intense experience. Let him process this in his own way. I didn't talk much about my face to face reunion with anyone for a couple of weeks because I just needed time to process and get some perspective. Now I talk a lot about it and am so appreciative that he let me do this my way and didn't force himself into a very personal experience. Now we share it, but I had to experience it alone first.

  • 1 decade ago

    My husband would understand to a certain extent how you are feeling. Reunion can be tough enough for those reuniting and it can easy to forget about the partners feelings.

    I reunited with my son back in 2004 and it consumed my life for months nor did I realize what effect it had on my husband who has been an absolute saint throughout. Incidently we have had issues with my son lying too not just to us but also his adoptive parents. Anyway the first time my son and I met was about 6 weeks into reunion and my husband went with me simply because we lived 260 miles apart so when we got to the meeting point my husband left my son and I so we could spend time alone together which was the right thing to do. Fortunately he had a good support network so gave me my space yet I know I needed my husband's support so I am thankful that he put me first and it made our marriage stronger,

    From personal experience I would suggest you give him breathing space but carry on being supportive. There is plenty of time to get to know his family so just be there for him - all best wishes to you.

  • 1 decade ago

    Let him go alone to meet her this first time. He needs to discuss a lot of things with her. Remember this is not going to be a get together like you all know each other for years. There will be plenty of time for you and your baby to meet his bmom if things work out and he does want to continue a relationship with his bmom, there is a chance he may not. There is a lot of emotions going on inside him, give him time and space. Let him go alone to meet her this first time. He needs to discuss a lot of things with her. There is a lot of emotions going on inside him, give him time and space. By the way maybe he did try to find her years ago before you both got together, you don't really know, don't focus on that. He has gone through so many changes recently, getting married, becoming a father, now his bmom is in the picture. You have gone through changes as well so you both s are getting very emotional, calm down, work on being a loving wife who supports her husband. Don't get into nit picking. He knows you will be there for him to lean on and that is good because he will need you.

  • Strega
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    I'm sorry, I know that you want to be there to support him, but you should let him do this on his own. It is very personal and private. I have not searched for my biological mom, but if I did I can imagine the first meeting to be a very emotional and personal experience and would not want anyone else there and that includes my husband who I share everything with. But this first meeting is not something to be shared and I can imagine bmom's probably feel very similar about the first meeting as well. Give him time, if they establish a relationship you will meet her in time and I'm sure he will talk to you about it when he gets back. Be supportive, but don't make him feel like he must include you.

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  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

    There are many adoptees who want to find out a lot of information about their birthfamilies, who want to meet them, have a relationship with them. That’s ok. However there are also adoptees that have no desire for this, and that’s ok too. IMO neither is wrong or right, normal or un-normal. It’s just what works for that person, what’s right to them. A person could have 2 adopted kids and one might have the desire/ want to meet biological kin, while the other one might have no interest in it. Everyone is different.

  • Randy
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    Spouse or not, this is an incredibly sensitive and personal experience for him. More then you can ever understand and I'm sure he is feeling emotions that he can't even begin to express.

    If you say you love and support him then support his desire to make this journey alone. That is not to say you will be shut out but there are some parts of this that he will have to work through on his own regardless of how strong your relationship may or may not be.

    If you can't understand that then no amount of explanation on my part will change things.

  • 1 decade ago

    My husband was also adopted and although he has no interest in meeeting his birth mother he said he would want to go alone because it is an emotional thing to go through. Men dont like to show their feelings so it may be embarassing for him to show you the emotions he would feel when he meets her. He may feel like this is something he has to do on his own or maybe he wants to check her out before introducing you to her. You and your child are important to him and he is being the protector by making sure everything is ok before he lets your daughter meet her. Also I wasnt adopted and neither were you I cant imagine what I would do if I found out I had another mom somewhere. I might want to meet her alone too but I wasnt adopted so I cant say

  • 1 decade ago

    I'm no expert on stuff like this, but just a thought:

    I think your husband might rather go alone because his relationship with his birth mother began and ended before you or your baby were in his life. His going to meet her alone might be a way of "picking up where he left off" with her. Maybe he just wants to re-establish a pure connection with her, without immediately bringing you and your baby into that relationship. In short, he may not want to share his birth mother with you yet, at least not before he gets to meet her in person. He probably made up those lies so you wouldn't feel bad for him leaving you behind (even though that's exactly what happened!). Even though you helped your husband find his birthmother, you don't really have that kind of connection with her as he does. When you talk to him, I would suggest just being as supportive and understanding as possible. He might be anxious to meet his birthmother, and you probably don't want to get on his case about not bringing you along with him.

    Source(s): Just my thoughts & opinions
  • Dorian
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Please keep in mind this is probably a very sensitive issue for him. He probably has been thinking about this for a long time and it makes sense he would want to do this alone. At the end of the day, it's about him and his questions about why he was given up and finding his background. Also, he may be protecting you and your daughter. He might not bond with his birth mom - you said they have only texted. It is a parent's primary job to protect their children. He many not want you or your daughter to be around her until he's met her and decides if he wants her in his life or not.

    I know you want to be supportive but in this situation I truly believe you should be supportive by staying in the background and allowing him to do this how he needs to. At the end of the day, it's his history and his emotional well-being - allow him to follow his instincts and go alone. This shows you not only support him but respect his feelings too. Good luck to both of you.

  • 1 decade ago

    There are so many great answers here, I don't have that much more to add.

    As an adoptee though, I have to just say, let him go alone.

    Please try to read as much as you can about adoption to try and understand what he's going through. Reading through the resolved questions here would be a good start.

    And getting some support for yourself would be good too. A friend of mine who is married to an adoptee wants to start a support group for partners of adoptees. Her new group is at the link below. Maybe you might want to join and use this group as a place where you can talk about yourself and your feelings, and not feel alone while he's working through a lot of feelings of his own.


  • 1 decade ago

    He is probably feeling all sorts of things right now. Probably kinda confusing also. But you need to respect his wishes on this. He might also be protecting you and your child. You never know how the first meetings will go. He may want to check them out before he brings his wife and child around them. That way they can both focus on getting to know each other before bringing others into it. I know as an adoptee if I were going to meet my bio mom for the first time I wouldn't want my husband with me. That way we could talk and not have any outside distractions. It will also give him time to absorb everything and see if it is an environment he wants to put his wife and child in

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