These are two scenes from my complete novel. I'm making my second changes, working on My characther aoro,read?

OK so what I'm looking for is how to make the charachter Aoro a bit more, mischievious yet still appealing. I really tried to work on how his dress effects the mood of his surrounds and his personality. Also body movements and how the make him more appealing and descritive. As so for the female role in this part, I'm struggling on how to give her more personality. Tell me what you think and critic. PS. send me your questions too and I'll answer

part 1-Aoro squatted down on the balls of his feet on the branch of an oak tree atop a hill, peering down at the small town below him. His body wasn’t used to the cold breeze of the season known as “fall”, the wind blow right throw his airy cream color sirwal and made the golden bangles on his wrists chime together, to imamate the sounds of birds chirping.

“Ah, found her “his eye’s gleamed as body leaned forward, and his velvet eyes narrowed in on the tiny little beauty, laughing with two females as they came out of the department store. It was so easy, he thought, as stood up straight and prepared to jump down from the tree and into the town.

“Really, you’re just going to jump out of the sky, just like that? In front of all those people, that’s your big plan?”A voice came shrieking from higher branches in the oak tree.

Aoro rolled his eyes and sighed as he extended his toned arm and waited for the great Macaca primate to land.

“I knew you’d come following behind me, Aye-aye. And what’s the big deal, they’re only humans” Aoro smirked as the beast landed on his shoulder instead. His eyes never left the girl, as she waved goodbye to her friends and started off down the stair on her own.

“What’s the big deal? You didn’t answer my question, Aoro, is that you’re plan, to just land in front of her and take her? You’ll cause a scene and on top of that, you’ll scare her to death, I mean look at you, haven’t you noticed that you look completely different from any human male here.” The animal was only accounting to the different clothing style worn in the other world, for comfort and dryness. Actually, Aoro didn’t look much different than any of the men around here

“What does it matter, as long as I get to her?” Aoro rested his hands on his hips, pondering whether to go down there. But as he watched her more, the girl suddenly froze dead in her tracks. Aoro followed her sudden terrified gaze to boy coming out of the flower shop, holding a banquet.

The boy noticed her and waved, making his way through the crowd towards her. She started to play with her long dark hair neverously and kicked her foot against the other, like a toddler. Aoro scuffed and found himself leaning in.

“Master!” Aye- Aye slide of his shoulder and grabbed onto the end of the branch. Aoro didn’t notice. He leaned in and rested his chin on his fist and smirked “Stupid lady, look at her Aye- aye, trying to act all human in front of him. Why does she even bother with it” he muttered as she stumbled over herself purposely into the boy’s arms. Aoro chuckled to himself and ran a finger through his wavy, blonde hair “she hasn’t changed much has she?” his dark eyes widened with excitement to meet with her again.

Part 2-When Claire woke up her stomach didn’t hurt anymore, her breathing was easy and her eyes were immediately filled with a glow of golden light. She looked up at her own gold reflection above, her jeans and tee-shirt replaced by a white cover up, her short hair up in a bun.

Instantly alerted her eyes flickered around the room, looking for Aoro. The room was familiar, just like he said it would be. Colors of dark purples and gold drapes blocked out the blue moon that gave this world its daylight. There was no floor, only patches of earth that lined together leading to different parts of the room. Every now and then the earth started to shift, so that the walker would have to jump at moment’s notice. A lone cabinet rested on the right wall of the room, its bejeweled surfaced acted as a multi-colored mirror, so that Claire could see herself in all its shades. There were gadgets every place that could hold them. Lasers and trumpets, and tiny machines that couldn’t be describe let alone, guess their propose. Everything in the room had so many colors, no one object was the same, the colors alone triggered the feeling that she should know where she was, but she couldn’t recall. Maybe if I’m lucky you’ll remember who you are. And what you mean to this world, Aoro’s words filled her mind and she closed her eyes and tilted her head to the ceiling as if to bring on a clear thought process.

She wanted to remember, that place that was always blank in her head wasn’t just her lack of intelligent, and it was filled once. And something to do with Aoro lied inside. He might be a good person. She thought to herself as a smile rose on her lips. So many things she could be thinking about, but he was the only thought that came to mind. IT seemed like he had the best intentions for her

2 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's horrible.

    It sounds like a badly written fanfiction filled with Mary Sue's and Gary Stu's.

    You severely need to improve your writing.

    And try learning how to properly use punctuation.

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  • 3 years ago

    Is there some way that you simply would use each Steve? Your brief pitch is well. As many customers have talked about, it reels the reader in. However, I consider that you simply would then escape with then adding your longer pitch beneath, as a comply with on paragraph. This method, you might have drawn the reader in and are instantly following it up with extra precise know-how. Just a proposal. Edit: Sorry, didn't understand, as I am now not aware of authornomy (at reward there's no similar in Australia) or what is needed for the pitch. In retrospect, I in general will have to have learn your query a bit of extra cautiously as good. However, whilst studying your lengthy pitch, I might like extra element approximately the killings that the person goes to check - what style of formality, why the police suspect a brand new trainer, and why Adramal is the logical individual to check this crime and now not a different trainer or pupil. Obviously I don't desire to understand the whole thing earlier than I get to learn the exact novel, however I consider extra element would possibly support cast off any recommendations that Adramal is a Mary-sue person.

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