Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

Is this short paragraph good?

I am writing a novel about a guy who is killed but lives on in like an afterlife. It will be a chapter from his point of view then one from his wife's. I am only 13 so it won't be very good, I just enjoy writing. Could you give me some opinions please? Thanks x

I ran along the street, eager to get home and tell my husband, Ryan, about my day. I looked up at the clear night sky, it was like a navy blue blanket covering the world. Night time was my favorite time of day, the moon was on full show and was reflecting down onto the street. There was only a slight breeze which made the trees sway joyously. Ryan had been acting strange lately, but I put it of as stressing over our money problems. I had went in for a job as an accountant four months ago and today I had been accepted for the job. This meant that I could afford gas to drive my car, instead of walking everywhere. I skipped up to the gate and pushed it open, it groaned in protest as it scraped along the concrete path, it had been hanging of it's hinges for at least a year now. I walked up the path to the front door, there was something on the door, but in the darkness I couldn't make it out. I leaned forward slowly and touched it, I brought my finger to my nose and sniffed. It was blood. Shaking, I shoved my hand into my bag and felt around for my keys. Why did I have to be so disorganized? I had a key for everything; the front and back door, every room in the house, cupboards and my car keys. I went through the pile of keys until I found the one I was looking for, my hands were trembling as I unlocked the door. The door swung open, squeaking slightly, the first thing I noticed was the blood stains on the creamy white carpet, black skid marks on the floor, as if someone had been struggling. My gaze followed the blood stains to the foot of the stairs, were Ryan was lying in a pool of blood. I stumbled over to him, tears streaming down my face and blurring my vision. I collapsed to the ground beside him and noticed a gun shot wound in his left temple, there was dried in blood below his nose as if someone had punched him. I reached out and touched his hand. I was trembling. I flinched when I touched him he was as cold as ice. How long had he been lying here? I slowly turned his wrist over and felt for a pulse. Nothing. He looked like a wax work with more realistic details. He couldn't be dead, it was just this morning I had woken up to him pottering around in the kitchen singing along tunelessly to the radio. It seemed like a lifetime ago. A strange noise escaped my lips and I started screaming but no-one could hear me in this deserted old town.

I screamed and screamed, but no one could here me in this old deserted town.

Update:

Sorry about using 'here' instead of 'hear' I sometimes do that. I get carried away whilst writing.

3 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Too many personal pronouns. Oh, and please avoid COMMA SPLICES!

    Overall, yay! I'm applauding.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    sounds good but if you should try to cut down on some of the personal pronouns beginning you sentences. mix up the sentence structure a little and it will be great :)

  • 1 decade ago

    I screamed and screamed, but no one could here me in this old deserted town.

    you mean "but no one can HEAR me"

    and i like this story but we dont know why he was killed yet~:O

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