Domestic violence help please - am I being overdramatic?

Sorry for the long details but I thank anyone who reads this, understands and answers this. I have been with my partner for 5 months however known him for a couple of years as we have a mutual friend. Over the last couple of months I have noticed his aggression. At first it was great, he was lovely and I was really happy but as soon as one another got comfortable with each other things started to turn nasty. I can’t remember the first time he hurt me but it started off with him showing his aggression through slamming my car door, or punching the dashboard.. this progressed and he started pushing me around. I stood up to him and told him that it was his last chance and he said sorry and bought me a gift. I then thought that he had accepted he had a problem and that he was going to sort himself out. Not too long after, he lost control. We don’t live together however we see each other everyday. He doesn’t trust me especially when it comes to going on the internet/phone as I have a history of online dating which he believes I am still doing. He never tells me I cant see my friends or go dancing like I used to however he will make me feel bad if I was going to go. We argue a hell of a lot but recently he has tried to remove himself from the situation by either leaving the house or sleeping on the sofa. When he left the house I followed him and managed to persuade him to come back and everything was ok. The next time, he had gone out with his mates and came back to mine at 1am. I had waited up for him and was quite tired and miserable when he got in. Because I was being off with him and he was drunk and happy he got the hump and went to sleep on the sofa as there were no trains home. I then got him up from the sofa to get him to go to bed as I was worried about his back etc. This caused a massive row and he ended up hurting me. It started with little pinches, then biting, pushing me off the bed, holding me down on the bed shouting in my face and threatening me, pulling my hair, holding his hand over my mouth, threatening to hit me, that he will come back and haunt me, that he would put a sock in my mouth if I don’t shut up, that I was lucky I was a woman.. one pinch he done made me have a huge bruise and hurt for days. During the argument he took my phone and would let me have it back. Admittedly I did try and hurt him back in self-defence but he tried to turn it around on me and called the police to report me assaulting him. When the police arrived they saw my bruises and arrested him. This made him angry and he got angry at the police officers too. When he was let out the next day he blamed me for getting him in trouble and he didn’t understand why he was getting arrested for “just a pinch” and he hadn’t done anything wrong. I love him and it hurt me to think that I would loose him even though I should have been angry at him. I waited for him to contact me and the night he was realised he called me asking how I was. We spoke and sorted things out. However it made me believe that it was my fault because I provoked him and that it was just a pinch. He is good friends with my dad and one of his mates who both abuse their partners but he is certain that he is not like them. The only thing that came out of the argument was him admitting to having a short fuse which he needs to work on but I want to make him realise that “just a pinch” is totally unacceptable. I love him and we plan to get married and have kids however Im not scared that it will get worse. He tells me that I cant talk to my mates about anything as he don’t want anyone getting involved with our relationship or judge him in any way. I then feel isolated and he doesn’t understand that I need to talk to someone. He wants me to only talk to him if there is a problem and doesn’t want anyone else influencing my decision. I’m hurting so bad and trying to tip toe around to keep him happy but at the end of the day I’m not happy. I know I should leave him but I really want to make this work.

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  • 10 years ago
    Best Answer

    He is isolating and controlling you. He is showing his violent tendencies. You have not even mentioned what you are arguing about because it is probably nothing. What is going to happen when your relationship is really tested, illness,financial troubles or raising you children. You said "I know I should leave him". He has failed your own criteria for finding a mate. Finding someone who truly loves you is your goal. If you gave up on that at least find someone who is not going to beat you or your unborn children.

  • 10 years ago

    Honey, The fact what you wrote is so long is a typical battered women story. I read everything and it falls along the lines of what most abusive relationships do. You need to leave him. He can say hes sorry a thousand times and try to make it up to you but unless he gets counseling and support he will start to hurt you more and with greater force. And what's going to happen if you do stay together and have children. You are setting you and your possible future children up for so much pain. Even if he doesn't touch them they will see how he treats you and feel that you are a mat to step on and all women should be treated as such. He learned this from his father and his sons will learn it from him.

    You have the right to talk to your friends. The only real reason he doesn't want you to is to keep you under his thumb. That is the classic abuser action. If I were your friend and I found out about this I would make sure he would never be able to see you again because that's what a friend is for. If at the end of the day you aren't happy why should you disrespect yourself so much by staying with him.

    You might not think its serious but let me put it this way. Dozens of women are killed each week by abusive men. They tried to rationalize the situation just the way you are. They say it only was a pinch, it only was a slap, he only lets me talk to certain people. It moves into he held me down and raped me even though he knows he can ask for sex. He beat me because I talked to my parents. He threw me around because he had a bad day.

    It's not your fault and it will never be. You deserve better and need to get away from him. There are amazing men that will treat you with more love and caring then this jerk will. I know you can be stronger then him and walk away!

  • Ashnod
    Lv 7
    10 years ago

    What you've described follows the textbook pattern for the progress of a domestic abuser almost to the letter. He doesn't trust you (the online-dating issue), wants to control you (you can control through guilt-tripping, not just forbidding things), wants to isolate you from friends and family, and when he hurts you physically, he tries to blame you or brush it aside as "not really hurting you." You KNOW that what he's doing is wrong. He doesn't have "anger issues" -- he has issues with being an abuser. If you want advice, I would advise you NOT to marry this man, or even live under the same roof with him, until he admits that he has been *abusing* you (not "just pinching," not "just getting angry," but ABUSING you) and seeks counseling to learn to correct these behaviors. This will be difficult, because an abuser's natural tendency is to blame others for their behavior, and refuse to take responsibility for their actions. But without drastic changes, this problem WILL get worse. If you marry him, he WILL keep hurting you, and he might hurt any children you have together. As hard as it is, you need to be firm with him. Don't try to do this alone; he's less likely to become violent if you have a trusted friend or family member with you when you confront him. He needs to understand that the way he's been treating you IS abuse, and that either he acknowledges that and seeks professional help to correct the behavior, or you will leave him.

    I know you love him, and I know that the thought of leaving him is frightening and hurtful, but you're not happy, and you know that the way he treats you is wrong and abusive. He needs to know that you're serious, that you'll leave if he doesn't shape up -- and you need to be willing to follow through with that. No "one more chances," no succumbing to guilt-trips. Let him know that if he touches you in anger in ANY way, ever again, you're breaking things off with him and no second chances. That's for your own safety, and the safety of any children you hope to have someday, because spousal abusers are often child abusers too.

    Honestly, I'm inclined to say that you've already given him more than enough chances, and he probably won't change, because abusers don't WANT to change. You know this man doesn't respect you, and is willing to hurt you in order to control you. You know you shouldn't be in this relationship. You have an instinct to try to "make it work." But he needs to *want* to change in order for that to happen. Ask yourself honestly, does he want to change? Does he even *understand* that what he's doing is wrong? Or does he blame you and try to minimize the harm his abuse causes? I think you know the answer to that. No matter how much you love him, the healthiest and safest thing you can do for yourself is to walk away now. What I said before about bringing another person along still applies; abusers are less willing to abuse if there's someone else around to see, and he *will* be angry when you break up with him. Having someone else along may also help give you the strength and the resolve to follow through, and not "one more chance" him.

  • 10 years ago

    he won't let you talk to anyone because he doesn't want someone to come punch him in the mouth. he knows he is in the wrong and he is isolating you so he can have control over you..

    also, couples fight yes i get that.. but most fights do not end up with the police being called..

    you know you should leave him, you aren't asking if yyou should you leave him, what you are doing is wanting reassurance that you are making the right decision and yes, yes you are.. what you need now is a good friend who is stronger than your boyfriend or a group of friends and to have them on call when you break up with him for your protection.. be strong and don't waffle, you already know what ya need to do..

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  • 10 years ago

    Leave him now ! I have had the misfortune of knowing female friends whom have gone through the exact same thing, it will only get worse as time passes and he knows that he can get away with treating you like this. I have one friend who almost got killed by the so called man she loved before she left. Do you're self a big favour now, I know it will be very hard for you but if you want a decent life back with someone who will love and care for you as you deserve. Leave and do it a.s.a.p.

    Source(s): Preveous experience with friends and expartners.
  • 10 years ago

    You cant make it work. He is refusing to see that he has a problem, and is blaming his violence on you. That is typical with domestic abusers. They blame the woman and dont see a problem. Do not even think of marrying him, or bringing children into a violent home. The best hope for him is for you to leave him. If you confront him, there is every chance that his violence will escalate. You can get help and advice about the best thing to do here -

    http://www.ndvh.org/

    1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)

    Dont think you can stay with him and encourage him to get help. He wont accept that he needs it. The best thing is to remove yourself from the relationship and insist he gets help before you will even think about seeing him again. Make sure he has done what he says, got a therapist, joined a group for men who are domestic abusers, etc, before you will even think about it.

  • 10 years ago

    I am a nurse that deals with domestic violence. What you are describing here are classic profiles of a very bad abuser. You should not under any circumstances be in a relationship with a man like this. Sadly women who have been around abuse tend to lean to these kinds of men. I cannot say this strongly enough. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP NO MATTER WHAT ELSE YOU DO. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE ANY CHILDREN WITH HIM. He without a shadow of a doubt in my mind will be very physically abusive to you and any kids you have. If you value your self respect and possibly your life DUMP HIM NOW. If you think I am wrong go one of the many domestic violence websites. And read the studies and case historys.

    Source(s): Shelter nurse.
  • ginger
    Lv 6
    10 years ago

    why do you want to make it work? he doesnt love you, this is not how you behave if you love someone. where do you think it will end? its only going one way, he will end up killing you. it might be years away, after a lifetime of treading on eggshells and beatings for nothing, but sure as eggs is eggs you will end up destroyed. why the hell would you want to bring kids into a warzone? you have only been together a short time so it wont be as difficult to get rid now as it will be later, especially if you have kids. please dont have kids.there is no hope for him and none for you if you stick around.is your self esteem so low that you think this is the best that you deserve?leave him now. he is a pathetic excuse for a man.but you know that already, dont you?

  • 10 years ago

    i put up with the same sort of things with one of my exs for 2 years i stayed with him because i thought i loved him and he told me things like no one would ever want to be with someone as ugly/fat horrible as me and i believed that i also really believed him when he said he would change and he never did i know its hard when people tell you to leave but its one of the best choices i have ever made and it is hard but would you really want to spend your life being hit on and miserable or to bring a child into a relationship where your parnter hurts you in the way he does because who says he wouldnt do this to your child and then how would that make you feel there are decent guys out there and you do deserve one so dont put yourself down like me and definetly dont take any of this anymore leave while you can

  • 3 years ago

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