Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

How do you start dating again after divorce?

I am 26 and have 2 young daughters, upcoming divorce in March and was married for 8 yrs. I am a good person, big heart, high level of moral character. He cheated and was active in illegal activities I had no idea about until recently. I don't intend to date right away but have a preconception that men are jerks, cheaters, are irresponsible, and don't care how their wife feels about any of it.

How in the world am I supposed to find a decent guy? I know I need to get those thoughts out of my head but they help me know that I deserve a really good man. I don't deserve all that crap and I won't have it. Besides that, I have 2 young children... do good guys care if a woman has children?

Thanks for your help

Update:

I appreciate that answers so far... I don't go for cocky guys. Big turn off, because they are complete woman lovers and I don't go for cheaters so that's a big red flag ahead of time. Besides, cocky=selfish,self absorbed, ignorant

Update 2:

Lots of people are commenting about the kids... I spend all my time with them, we have started going to the YMCA, iceskating, church, etc. I was just looking for info for the future. I'm not interested in dating right now, I'm focused on improving myself and helping my girls through this the best I can. No hard feelings though, you all meant well.

15 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Though I know you've probably heard this, divorce really is like the death of a spouse especially betrayal.

    My advice is let him be dead to you, and if those illegal activities pose a threat to your girls then get a restraining order.

    Take time to heal and collect yourself. Your priority is your kids and they need you in one piece.

    If you believe in God then go ahead and get pissed at Him. He's gracious enough to take it. And He will heal you.

    Stay away from men as long you don't trust the general population of us because inside each one of us lies the potential to betray. The right man will come along. This, too,will pass.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Be aware that physical looks don't say who a person is and whether they are "trustworthy" or not; their hobbies, character, personality, their friends, and their lifestyle do say it. As the saying goes: actions say more than words... and than looks too. This is the mistake that nearly everyone does; sure no one is going to marry someone they don't feel attracted to, but don't make "he has to be hot" the 1st thing to look for. Compatibility between personalities/goals/lifestyle makes a relationship last more than lust. Also, be aware that no one is perfect, so a "good loyal" guy who won't do crap to you might be lacking in other areas, who knows.... what matters is that he doesn't lack in the things that you care about, which by now you hopefully know what those are.

    Also, I am guessing that any decent guy who is single and young and has no kids will want to have at least 1 at some moment in time. Therefore, if you find such a guy, but you don't want to have anymore children that can bring problems and if the guy thinks like me definitely a separation ... a good father is something that I definitely want to be in the future, and if I couldn't get that I would not be able to stay even if I love her; but I am not dumb enough to get myself in that situation, thus, I would check if she wants kids or not FIRST. Being a great father is one of my big wishes and for that reason I know I'll look for single EDUCATED women without kids first, but hey you never know who you are going to meet and I am not close-minded. The truth, however, is that I would prefer a decent woman who wants a good man and also has no kids.

    Good luck

    Source(s): 21
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  • 1 decade ago

    Well, I can totally relate to your situation, except for the fact that I am a man. I too am divorced, and have 2 kids that I have been raising on my own. I think that, for you, it might be easier to get back into dating than for someone older (I am 39). At my age, many people who are single have already raised their own kids, and don't want someone who has kids. Either that, or they never had kids, and don't want any, even if they are not their own.

    I think that for you, because you are younger, it won't be as much of an issue. Some good things to try to find a nice guy might be church, or possibly doing some volunteer work. Also, if you want a truly good guy, you have to be honest with yourself, and give one a chance. I have heard a lot of women say they want a nice man, but all they really go for is the studly guys with great bodies and big egos.

    And as far as viewing men the way you do, that will just take time - and maybe some counselling - to change. For me, it took some good counselling to get over my hatred of women. You may find it could help you too.

    Good luck : )

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  • 1 decade ago

    Hi Ril,

    The reason you ended up with a total douche is in all honesty because you chose a DOUCHE BAG! - the way you find someone whois not a scumbag is to give the guys who you think may be to nice, a shot perhaps?

    And honestly cocky isn't a bad thing - as long as they are MEN and don't try and tell us between a confident guy whois a little challenging and playful and a spineless puppy you would not choose the confident man - come on!

    The problem is before you chose a characterless - immature - troll who in fact wouldn't know true manhood if landed on his head but we all live and learn right?

    Good Luck,

    Tat

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  • 1 decade ago

    Sorry this is happening. A couple of things struck me. First, your comment about your preconception proves that you aren't past this first marriage. It's good that you say you don't intend to date right away, but it's more than that - you need to make absolutely sure that you've worked through the issues of the marriage and divorce. He sounds like a total jerk, but it's important for you to take ownership of the fact that you clearly picked the wrong guy to be your husband and the father of your kids. This takes time and often counseling, because people behave in patterns, and you need to know and understand what went wrong.

    The other issue is that your focus really needs to be on your 2 kids. You don't give their ages, but for younger kids and toddlers, this is when divorce can be most damaging to them. With older ones, you can at least try reasoning or age-appropriate explanations, but with the younger ones, you can't. They sense everything that happened (and probably more than you realize) but they don't have the cognitive skills to put it into context. They just know that their world imploded. The worst thing that could happen to them is that they start adjusting to their new normal, and then they're competing with a man for their mom's attention.

    I'm not saying have no life, but you need to be very cautious about this. Neither you nor your kids is anywhere near ready for anything beyond casual good time dating. Your kids come first, and to be honest, this didn't come through in your question. It's not about your love life right now - it's about their home life.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Why do you feel you need a guy in your life? Don't even worry about that right now. You have two babies to worry about and I know from experience, being a single mom is the toughest job in the world! Concentrate on the three of you. That should be time consuming enough! Mr. right will show up when you least expect it. Right now, work on gettin your priorities straight. Enjoy those kids! Trust me...they will be all grown up before you know it.

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  • 1 decade ago

    There are nice guys out there you just haven't found him and right now it's not time to be like Tianna don't go kissing all the frogs as of now just focus on your beautiful children and live life and Mr. Right will eventually come, you just feel this way because of the emotional distress this divorce has brought upon you.

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  • edie
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    they tell me that good guys are out there but they are hard to find. and i'm sorry to say this because all men are not alike but if you have children especially girls you have to be careful. i just do not trust boyfriends and step-fathers. but maybe you can go out with some of your girlfriends. do you have any nice single girlfriends. i do not suggest tat you go out by yourself. and when you do go out and if you drink and leave it be careful because they have this drug called the date rape drug. they are putting stuff in your drinks and after being married for so long don't you want to wait a while and let the freedom settle in for a minute? take a breathe of air and breath! whatever you do be careful.

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  • 1 decade ago

    As long as you remember to respect for yourself... everything will come into place. Be patient and give yourself time to heal. Dating is fun, don't take it too serious. Keep an open mind and enjoy it. Also don't bring anyone home to your girls until you are sure that the person is worthy of meeting your children.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Kind of funny, cause I'm going through the same situation myself... got divorced and been thinking the same way.. but I would recommend for u to take some time with ur daughters and don't worry about finding mr. right for now just live life.. one day at the time!

    Good luck to u!!

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