Fiance doesn't want to go....?

I want to go to my 10 year high school reunion coming this April. My fiance is not too keen on the high school that I attended. i was a jock and very popular also I dated and slept with quite a few females. She doesn't want to go cause she doesn't want to face them. I want her to come with me because it's the weekend of my birthday also. Another situation is my daughter is 7 months now she will be 10 months when we would be going. How could I convince her to just come with me???

1 Answer

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    You've sure set yourself a bit of an uphill battle. Let's see ... you have a daughter (ostensibly with another woman, given your rhetoric) in tow; you have a gathering of women who have older claims on your heart and body, women with secrets your fiancee doesn't know; you want to return to the "scene of the crime" in some respects. Yeah, I can see where your financee doesn't want to jump into the whirlpool of your past. Not that I agree with her, but I can certainly see her point.

    Obviously, she's not comfortable with your past. How much does she know about it? How do you treat her with respect to your past? How have you related with her on this topic? For instance, if you've presented it as a great nostalgic return to your past glories, reliving the successes on and off the field, I can see where she'd want to run in the opposite direction until she has no cell phone service. Is she the rock-solid foundation on which you're pinning the rest of your life, or is she the arm candy you want to dangle in front of your friends, the trophy-wife-to-be?

    What worries me most here is that you've asked a question that looks to me like a divorce in the making. You haven't asked how to make things better with your fiancee: you've asked how you can make her do what you want.

    My advice to you is to quit screwing around and make up your mind what the bleep you want in life. Your fiancee doesn't feel a strong enough commitment to stand proud against your past ... and *I* want to know where you screwed up, because that's where you have to start fixing things. She's not feeling that "til death us do part" confidence yet.

    So here's the plan: FIRST, you apologize for leaving her emotionally in the lurch. You tell her that you're not going to drag her to something that makes her that uncomfortable. You know that *she* knows how much you'd like to go, and she *still* can't swallow her worries -- which tells you that the marriage needs work *now*. Instead, you'll stay home with her, and celebrate your birthday with your future instead of your past.

    SECOND, you start talking about *why* she doesn't feel confident enough in bracing your buddies and lovers, even when she's the one with the diamond ring (or whatever token you chose). Ask her what you can do to give her more confidence. Granted, you're not going to give up your friends and family every time she decides there's something she doesn't like -- that gets into the territory of controlling, abusive behavior -- but things can obviously get a lot better.

    THIRD, the two of you keep talking about what *each* of you can do, and what the two of you can do together to make this love stronger than any you've ever had.

    In the meantime, you send tentative regrets to your buddies. Yes, there's still time for your fiancee to change her mind ... as long as you don't give her any pressure, just one gentle reminder in a month or two. If she decides to give it a chance, then enjoy the reunion ... and do *not*, under ANY circumstances, let down your devotion to her. This is the proving ground. If she still declines to go, you stay home and give her the present of your commitment. Believe me, it's going to pay *much* better long-term dividends than the reunion.

    Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Oh, yeah -- I have a wife who *does* know better (we've had that long conversation), and I can hug and kiss my exes as appropriate without upsetting my wife -- because she *knows* there's nobody else in the parts of me where it counts.

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.