How do I handle possible infidelity in my marriage? Are all men just motivated by sex with no consideration?

I am literally disgusted by men.

I knew most were capable of lieing and being deceitful in order to get sex from women with low self-esteem, but I never thought my husband was one of “them”. Why would I want to be entangled to someone who lies and uses women? If he uses, lies to and manipulates other women to get what he wants, why wouldn’t he just lie and use me too?

In all my life, I never envisioned, imagined or thought I’d be married to a man who peruses craigslist, facebook etc… looking for naked pictures and casual meet-ups for sex while he claims to be happily married and loyal to me.

Then, he tells these women that we have nothing in common and that’s why he’s looking to them for companionship. By nothing in common does he mean that because I am a good person, and he is not? Because otherwise, we have a whole lot in common. We both make each other laugh and have a similar sense of humor, we both care about our families, we’re both intelligent, we both try to please others, we are both hard-workers with plans to start our own successful businesses, we are both ambitious, we both have similar goals to own multiple real estate investments, we both enjoy each others company, we both like going out to eat, watching funny movies etc, we both keep ourselves in great physical shape, neither of us does drugs or has alcohol problems, we both try to spend more time with friends but usually wind up choosing each other instead, we both love documentaries on tv, neither of us grew up in a exceptionally healthy home environment, both of us love animals etc… Seroiusly, am I missing something? Is there usually a lot more that people have in common? When I confront him about having nothing in common, he tells me that he just told them that and that we do have many things in common… Who is he lieing to, me or them?

How am I supposed to trust this person? Does he even know what the truth is?

I still can’t stop myself from crying whenever I think about it.

It’s like he had no consideration.

I though he was the best of men. What if I am right and he is one of the best of them? He did aplogize for trying to soloicit sex from a myriad of people. He says he never actually met up with them. ?????? What if he is one of the better ones and the unfortunate fact is that most guys are really skeezy and don’t deserve our time, energy or love?

They do say infidelity exists in about 50% of marriages…And then domestic abuse exists in another % and men molesting their daughters exists in another % and men who raped others before marriage exists in another % and men who are otherwise horrible but their wives stay with them anyway exist in another %, and men who go out and unsuccessfully attempt to have affairs that no one finds out about exists in another %. So, what’s left?

Update:

To the person who said women are just as guilty and that I should look to myself first. I have looked ta myself! I would never have an affair. It's wrong and selfish.

Update 2:

To Tyawanna. Yes, my post seems focused on the negative because a life changing, bad thing happened (infidelity isn't good right?). Statistic's show men are responsible for more WAY MORE violent crimes than women and more infidelity than women, So I was just wondering what % out there are really good men? I understand why you said my post was focused on the negatives, but I am just trying to understand why this happened?

Update 3:

To Tyawanna. Yes, my post seems focused on the negative because a life changing, bad thing happened (infidelity isn't good right?). Statistic's show men are responsible for more WAY MORE violent crimes than women and more infidelity than women, So I was just wondering what % out there are really good men? I understand why you said my post was focused on the negatives, but I am just trying to understand why this happened.

Update 4:

Arlette you say you'd never let your man get away with disrespecting you, yet your advice to me is to reward him for seeking sex outside the marriage and probably having an affair. I was happy with him and supportive before all this happened? WHY ARE YOU BLAMING ME FOR THE BAD CHOICE HE MADE?

10 Answers

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  • 10 years ago
    Best Answer

    Ohhh boy. First, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I just lived through this not even a month ago. You think you married prince charming and there are no obvious "signs" until one day whamo, your whole world changes, and you're along for an unintended journey.

    When I found out, I initially said wowza but OK we can work through this (through all my pain/crying etc). But then.. my husband was still engaging in this absolutely inappropriate and disrespectful behaviour (not cutting out the other woman etc) so I got up and left. He was stunned, shocked etc. I said I love you, and I want to work things out with you, but dont bother contacting me until you've sorted your crap out.

    I think it took me leaving for him to get right. Now things are better... well "better"...... we're on the road to recovery. But his heart has changed. Your husband needs to break, and be absolutely 100% remorseful for what he's done. Otherwise, or until then, theres no hope.

    Don't worry I know how hard it is. I know how much you cry, until your eyes are so sore they're swollen. Just know no matter what happens, it'll be OK. Things will work out for the best, regardless of what happens.

    I am so sorry this happened to you. I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy.

  • 10 years ago

    There are still men of integrity left in the world. The problem here is that you are citing sooooo many negative statistics and stories. If you are looking for the negative aspects in things, then all you will discover will be negativity (makes sense right?)

    What wasn't mentioned in your post was the other half of the percentages that DON'T abuse their wives, children or cheat. They DO exist or else these numbers would be 100% across the board.

    Nobody is perfect. I know I'm not. I've done some bad things in my life and I would hate to be judged for the rest of my life based on those few actions (or worse yet, judged on my gender based on the actions of others!).

    People (all people) are capable of good and bad actions. We need to (as individuals) focus on cultivating the positive actions people display vs. dwelling on the negative ones.

    If men disgust you, then women, children and all of mankind should as well...as we are all capable of the same things...

  • 10 years ago

    Don't be caught up in statistics. Life is too short for people to be constantly thinking about what others are doing or have done in similar situations. Think about what you want in your life. Even though there are a lot of scum-bags out in the world, there are the good guys and finding them will just take patience. As for your husband, if you think your marriage is capable of being fixed, by all means try to patch it up the best that you can. (I recommend some type of porn/sex addiction therapy) If you lost all trust in him, then I say it is probably better if you end it because having no trust will just make everything much more difficult in the future. All in all, think hard about your life and what is ultimately the best scenario for YOU.

    -Hope this helps

  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    wow calm down hun. The reason that most of these horrible things happen is because women have forgotten where their power lies. Women have an amazing gift of influencing men to do the right things and how to be treated. I am one of the very few women that I know of that has never been cheated on, used, abused or any of the other horrible things that you listed. why? Because i know exactly who i am and what I'm willing to put up with. Surprisingly if you tell any man that..they will instantly respect you. Why? because they have to. They have no choice. If my boyfriend disrespected me or made me feel bad about myself then he knows that I would walk away and he would be the one to loose out. Your job as a wife is to be supportive and loving. To give your man encouragement and build him up instead of down. All you've seemed to do is degrade him and make him feel like a terrible person. This is what leads to anger, cheating and frustration. My point is that just because your man goes online trying to solicit sex does not mean that he is cheating on you or even plans to cheat on you. Chances are that the more you punish him for something he hasn't done the closer you are to having him cheat! He is being punished anyway!! You should be thankful that he didn't run off with someone else. He has been faithful to you and you completely disregarded it! If you really believe that he is a scumbag, and is a horrible man than why would he stay with you? First of all tell him that you're sorry for not understanding and for not accepting his apology. Love him unconditionally, support him and make his home a happy place to come home too. Slowly but surely you will see his online sex solicitation disappear. Good Luck:)

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  • 10 years ago

    I pray I never go through this but if I did my immediate response would be to leave. I have known a few couples who have made it work after an affair but they are not great in numbers. I love my husband with all of me but if his way of loving me in return is sleeping with other women I don't want any part of it. After an affair all the trust is gone out the window. It would be a really tough battle to go through and at the age I am I would rather live alone then live in a loveless marriage. God Bless!

  • 10 years ago

    you know.. its not just men who are sleeze balls. everyone on this planet seems to be.

    men and women cheat. im sure there are men out there who dont. but the fact is.. you caught your man, so do the right thing and kick him to the curb. and if you decide to give him another chance, do it months and months down the road so he has ALOT of time to think about what he has done.

    and he doesnt just tell these women you have nothing in common because he believes that, im sure he tells them you have nothing in common because he wants to get in their pants or he is not happy with you anymore.. maybe the passion is gone? maybe he is not happy anymore? or maybe he simply has no morals and is a pig.

    either way...even if he is a good guy or bad guy... he got caught..so let him go.. give yourself time to think and give him time to think. all people make mistakes and i do think that people do always deserve a second chance... IF they show absolute remorse and will wait for you as long as possible until you give them another chance. if they dont.. then they really didnt give a crap in the first place.

  • 10 years ago

    Make a pac with yourself on this day forward....you will take alot time to get to know the next man in your life. You won't live him first. You work hard have your own place. When you meet a man who you like or are interested in you will take time to get to know him first......be friends. If he wants to have sex right off the bat....walk away. Don't let a man run over you again. Find out all you can about your next guy. Date and be friends not lovers at first. Take it slow. If he doesn't want to do that...kick him to the curb and start over.

    Take charge of your life for this day on. I wish you the best :)

  • 10 years ago

    Well I have to say that sucks, But I have never cheated, raped, beaten or abused any of my kids. I have become very fond of being the company of others, Both male and female. (I like positive people) but never to the point of lust. They are just fun to be around. So I think there is hope.

  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    Yes... sex without consideration... that sounds about right.

  • 10 years ago

    women are JUST as guilty of cheating as men are!!!

    SO LOOK TO YOURSELF FIRST!!!

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