What do you think of this?

Hey everyone! So, I am currently in the process of writing my first novel, and I was wondering what you think of my preface:

They say your life could change forever in a matter of seconds. Well, I hadn’t really given much thought to that statement until it happened to me. Lying on the forest floor as brutally relentless pain seared through my exhausted body, I knew I was going to die. Yet dying in this vast and bewildering atmosphere was not what pained me the most. Throughout what I knew were the last few moments of my life, nothing pained me more then knowing that the loss of my life would mean the loss of another beautiful existence: the life of my soulmate.

In a somewhat subliminal state, I recalled some of our fondest memories together.

“Hey,” he had said; his voice cool and smooth on that first day of grade eight. “I’m new here, do you mind if I sit with you?”

“Oh, sure, go ahead,” I had muttered, my voice seemingly paralyzed as I took in his gracefully angelic features. As he took his seat beside me, I could not seem to take my eyes off of his caramel brown hair, his perfectly sculpted face, and his bright aquamarine eyes.

As another brutal slash of pain tore through my body, I was forcefully thrown back into the present. He clasped his hand tightly around mine, and it was only in that instant that I truly felt ready to die.

His firm, cool grasp on my hand reminded me of our first date; that fresh, crisp December evening which now seemed virtually lost in my past. He had picked me up at my house, and together we had gone to the city’s annual Christmas dance. I remembered our first dance together, when the world appeared to freeze around us. And then the kiss; that perfect kiss that seemed to linger on my lips.

“I love you,” he had whispered into my ear as we waltzed around the room.

And in that instant, I realized that there was no one I loved more than him. He was my soulmate, my angel.

Finally, as another spasm of pain far more grievous than the last tormented my frail and anguished body, I closed my eyes and, taking a deep breath, braced myself for the inevitable.

Please feel free to voice any suggestions you have. :)

10 points for the best answer, and thank you in advance!

1 Answer

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    This is fantastic love it! I would love to read your novel is this is ever published. You used seemingly a little to much though look for a synonym for it. I'm not sure if it is supposed to be brutal or brutally relentless pain though. Good vocabulary though! Keep writing! I want to know what happens!

    Source(s): ME!! =]
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