Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

is my short story ok so far ?

hi I'm writing a short story for English is this ok? I will post the second part in a different question called "second part of my short story" thanks :)

I remember the day my Mum told me she had lung cancer. She sat me down at our big oak table, I could instantly tell something was wrong her eyes were swollen from crying and she was just staring into space. I sat down across from her and looked at her anxiously.

"I've got lung cancer" she blurted out.

I remember being shocked then sad. When the anger hit I just exploded, I jumped up from the table and shouted that it was all her fault if she hadn't smoked for the last 20 years this wouldn't be happening. If she had listened to me and quit I wouldn't be here now at her funeral sitting in the front row next to my Dad.

“She was such an amazing person so full of life" My aunt Margaret said into the microphone.

I could here my Gran sobbing beside me, I couldn't cry no matter how hard I tried the tears wouldn't come. Everyone probably thought I was sad not crying at my own Mums funeral. My Gran wanted me to stand up in front of everyone and say a few words but I didn't want to, I didn't know what to say the shock of her dying hadn't sunk in yet. I was expecting her to jump out at shout surprise. My Mum was part of a big family five brothers and one sister. Her brothers carried her coffin outside to the graveyard. The cemetery was a spooky place a shiver went up my back, the gravel crunched under my feet as I followed by uncles to were my Mum was going to be buried. There was already a headstone in place I looked at the writing it said in loving memory of Scarlett Clarke, a loving Mother, daughter and sister. It would say wife as well I thought if Mum and Dad hadn't split up when I was eight. I used to see my Dad every weekend but he got remarried and stated a new family and I hadn't seen him for almost 4 years. Now I had to go and live with him. I sighed.

"Are you ok Eve?" Dad asked putting his arm around my shoulder.

I nodded but of course I wasn't ok my Mum had just died. Everyone always said we looked more like sisters than Mother and Daughter. We had the same red hair tumbling down past our shoulders, green eyes and pale skin- the type of skin that never tans not even in summer. When my turn came I threw a white rose my Mums favourite flower onto her coffin. I'll always love you Mum I whispered.

After the funeral on the way home to my Dads house the car was silent. I wasn’t in the mood for talking there was nothing to talk about anyway. My Dad pulled into the driveway of his house were I would be staying from now on. He pulled a piece of folded up paper out of his pocket.

He handed it to me “Your Mum wrote this letter for you” he said “She gave it to me just before she died”

I put the piece of paper in my pocket I didn’t want to read it in front of Dad. Mum had left me a letter? I walked up the stairs to my new room it was big very big, nothing like my box sized room back at home, Mum had an average job so she couldn’t afford a big fancy house my Dad had paid most of the bills for her. It had a big four poster bed with pink bead sheets. I hated the colour pink, there were cuddly toys dotted around the room and my suitcase was lying open on a chair in the corner. I pulled the letter out and took a deep breath before reading it.

Dear Eve,

I know this must be hard for you and I’m sorry I had to leave you. I’ve asked your Father to look after you and he promised he would so don’t be to hard on him ok?

I have left some money and my favourite jewellery in my will for you please be responsible. I will always love you and I will be watching over you always.

Lots of love Mum xxx

The letter fell out of my hand and I fell to my knees. I started crying hysterically funny that the tears came now. I picked the letter up and clutched it to my chest. I wished my Mum was here to comfort me, I didn’t know why I was crying now I guess the fact that Mum was gone had finally sunk in. There was a tap at my door and my Dad walked in he took one look at me sitting on the floor and was instantly at my side he hugged me awkwardly.

“Its going to be ok Eve” he sighed “You’ll get through this I promise, If you need anything just call. I’ll be in my office working”

Working I thought that’s all he ever does.

12 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    ya, its looking great

  • 1 decade ago

    Dear Lady,

    First of all, I really like the idea of the story. It is very wonderful.

    -However, you have to be aware of your style. Is this short story?

    - second, you can consider it as long story so that you explain clearly the sad events. For example, your introduction didn't implicate that you are going to write sad story. It would be better if you stated like>>>( " I have cancer, Eve".. I never forget her ironic words when Mom told me at the first time of her sickness. Her tears, when she was telling me, made me explode thinking that she was responsible for what is happening to her. "I told you, you should stop smoking. I hate you!!" I said. A wave of Anger came out made me to spell the last angry words that she had heard from me before she die...)

    what I mean that you should never be sad and sarcastic at the same time when it comes to explain sad event. You have to introduce your sarcasm of being anger of her by using strong adjectives.

    -Also, (I walked up the stairs to my new room it was big very big, nothing like my box sized room back at home)>>

    the description of your room could be direct to give the reader an impression of your lovely private place where you can do anything there. No matter whether it is big or small.

    I don't want to be cynic. I am just trying to help you.

    I hope that you benefit form my opinion.

    Keep writing and don't stop.

  • David
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    This story is fluent, elegant, and inspiring. 9/10. Great job, keep writing.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Omg it was awesome can not wait to read part to!!! :))

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  • 1 decade ago

    that is the most touching story ive ever read u have a wonderful career ahead u

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Not bad, not bad at all. =D I skimmed through it, and I don't like the beginning. "I remember when my mother told me she had lung cancer. 'I have lung cancer," Change the intro. I contemplated not even reading the rest just because of that.

  • 1 decade ago

    I like it. Especially how Eve gets mad and says its her fault for smoking. Great Job!!

  • 1 decade ago

    Some grammar and spelling issues, but otherwise okay. Where are you going with this, though? And how is her attachment with her mom going take her anywhere? Unless the ghost comes back...

  • 1 decade ago

    Brilliant. Be sure to check your grammar and spelling.

  • 1 decade ago

    it seems long then short. but it is GREAT. 99/100

  • 1 decade ago

    wait wait wait wait WAIT hold on a second this is short!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

    anyways its rly good cant wait to read the second part

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