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Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

Can you give me feedback on my romance story?

Okay, can you give me some feedback. Also please don't copy this. Also can you give me an idea for the title? Thanks!

10 Points for the best and truthful feedback and has a title idea!

As soon as I saw him, my heart skipped a beat. Seeing his beautiful face in the shining sun just made me want more. I wanted to touch his skin. I resisted that strong urge as I made my way to class. I sat at a desk and waited for class to start. I looked up once and there he was. He was walking toward the empty seat next to me. Sweat eased down my back as he sat next to me. His eyes met mine but I quickly looked away and felt my cheeks turn bright red. "Hello there," his deep voice said. I turned and faced him while biting my lips. His deep blue eyes and his dark brown hair got my attention. "Hello." I replied quietly with my face facing the floors with my dark black bangs covering my eyes. "You must be new here." he said with his sweet warm voice. "Isn't it the first day of school?" I asked feeling very dumb. "We;ll yes, but I meant you weren't here last year." the cute boy said."0h, yes. My family and I just moved here from Florida." I said still keeping my face down. "Class is beginning." I saw all the students in the class immediately got quiet and looked at the teacher. I turned my face to the strict voice and saw it was a teacher. "My name is Mr.Anderson, you will not address me by Mr.A, Mr.Anders, or any kind of other nickname, you will address me by Mr.Anderson. Understood?" He said. He took out a sheet from a folder. "I will call names, if you are here you will say present, not here, not yes, and of no circumstance will you say yo or you will spend the rest of the month after school scrubbing toilets." A small chill went down my back. This teacher must be very strict. "Brandon Smith, Michael Johnson, Riley Williams, Tim Jones, Tommy Brown, Christina Davis, Jamie Miller, Carly Wilson, John Moore, Jack Taylor, Jim Thomas, Chris Jackson." Then the teacher called my name. "Kimberly Lewis." I sat their quietly, not paying attention at all so I didn't realize that he called my name. " Kimberly Lewis." The teacher said for the second time with a more louder and angry voice. "Present." I replied. Then he continued with his never ending list of names of the class. Then Mr.Anderson said a name, a name that would changed my life forever, "Zachary Lucas." Mr.Anderson said. The extremely gorgeous boy next to me quietly said "Present." Then once again Mr.Anderson continued. I heared the boy next to be, or Zachary, call Mr.Anderson a dipsh!t under his breath. A little giggle came out of my mouth. Zachary turned to me and gave me a small wink. "Mr.Lucas and Ms.Lewis, may I see you two in the hall?" Mr.Anderson's scary voice came to me.

3 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Hm.

    I liked it. But in the beginning, I was a little confused. I mean, she's watching him in the sun then all of a sudden she is in a building. Maybe a sentence that tells us she walking into a building?

    And some commas would be good in some places, too. Also, don't swear. If you are going to publish it, some editors might delete it.

    Otherwise, I like your plot. You really got me hooked with the last sentence. What is it going to happen?=]

    A title may be The boy next to me

    Getting in trouble with him

    Lewis and Lucas

    Gorgeousness

    It was a sunny day

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  • barby
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    I believe it feels like a Manga I might learn however like a unusual novel. I believe it is might prob be greater if she helped a wolf within the woods and it used to be anybody he knew or a household member or he sees her do it might be. Just turns out so effortless and prefer an convenient method for him to discover out she's a well individual or something. Maybe the Demon lives on Earth to feed on souls, and humans might do unhealthy deeds. Like humans might sin/betray different or harm others makes him more potent. You might make him an anti hero, like Catwoman. She's a well-man however whilst she's a villain as good. She has the vigor to control hearth. He's a Demon. He might be interested in her simply on the grounds that of that after which to make it extra intriguing you might say that she's a relatively well individual and that leaves him in a weakened state being round her on the grounds that he is a demon and feeds on evil. (Just a small proposal) If they must move on an journey then you definitely will have to make a different individual a important villain that abducted a pal in their or whatever and he'll kill them if they do not comply with him to a couple mystical situation so he can kill them. Maybe his process is to kill the ones with potential like there is. You might whatever somewhat extra useful and feature their be a psychic of their tuition that has a imaginative and prescient of the lady with the fireplace potential burning down part a town or whatever and she or he needs to kill her and give up her earlier than she destroys the whole lot, regardless that the person individual does not feel she might ever do whatever like that.... Or the villain stole whatever that belonged to each and every of them, like a lock of hair, bracelet, and ring and he'll use them to break them and their powers. Like he perform a little type of magical spell over a different specified situation (a volcano or whatever) they usually have got to monitor him down earlier than subsequent the moonless sky. LOL. I dunno, well good fortune. Hope I helped somewhat. Sorry it is a bit jumbled no longer certain if any of this make feel. Let me recognize should you decide upon any those strategies :P

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  • 1 decade ago

    I like it. No, I am not a robot, but you should publish this to worthyofpublishing.com for views from other authors.

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