is my story good so far?


The doctor’s voice is sympathetic. The word slips off his tongue so easily, too easily, hangs there in the middle of the room—I fight the strange desire to laugh. This is bizarre. Too surreal to fit into my reality. Four lives destroyed? In one moment, with that single word? The guy must be joking.

But no one is laughing. I allow myself a quick glance at my parents. The sight shocks me. My dad is shaking—my mom’s face is crumpling, tears are running down her cheeks. Colby is still sitting on the examination table, as clueless and as fidgety as ever, stretching and kicking the metal leg. That’s the only sound in the room. It echoes. Bing, bing, bing.

No. No. No. That one thought fills my consciousness. Like if I deny it enough, this truth will become someone else’s, not mine. Not my family’s. Let it happen to someone else, I pray. Not me. Not my brother.

I struggle to keep my face passive. Calm, emotionless. Keeping control. Trying to hide the fact that I’m broken inside. That my world is ending and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

The question in all of our minds remains unanswered and unasked. There is silence now. I grip the sides of my plastic chair tightly, study the pattern of the ceiling, looking anywhere but at them. Then I gather my courage and then I say it—right out, blunt, my style—my voice doesn’t sound right. It’s young, vulnerable. “Is he going to die?”

4 Answers

  • ...
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Great! You're good.

    Oops on the brother being there. Docs don't allow other minors present when that kind of bad news gets dropped. Usually the Doc breaks test results to the parents and the parents tell the kid(s) OR the Doc breaks the diagnosis to the parents and then the Doc tells the sick kid with the parents there for support (if the kid is old enough to be told, which your character obviously is.)


    of course, the story is Annihilation Fiction; then the usual rules go out the window. For example: lots of people are getting cancer because of some disaster. In Japan lots of people, including children, developed leukemia because of the USA dropping the Atomic Bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in WWII. Could provide some useful background material for your story research?

    You've got talent. Good luck to you.

    Source(s): My cousin Zac died of leukemia when we were kids and most of my work has been in the health care industry.
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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Rather implausible, I'm afraid. No, a young sibling wouldn't be in the room when the doctor told the parents what the diagnosis was - the sick child probably wouldn't be there either if his character is "clueless and fidgety" because the doctor would want to discuss what he should be told.

    It's not about your character getting an angst-filled moment in the limelight. It's about what's best for Colby. Her saying stupid thoughtless things isn't best for him, and she simply wouldn't be allowed to be in a position where she could.

    Nicely written...but far too contrived.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Aw it's sad D:

    and really good

    wow. I want to cry already!

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  • 1 decade ago

    I need a tissue :D

    You're doing great! This is brilliant!

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