Willow
Lv 4
Willow asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

Any good???????????? My story so far!!!!!!?

I posted this earlier, the version I wrote when I was eleven, but I changed it a bit. Hope it is better!

Most people freak out when their parents get divorced. However, the divorce between my mother and father was the best thing that had ever happened to me. My father was a drunk, an abusive drunk. He would come home, beat on my mother, and yell at me. I had gotten tired of it, and when the divorce happened, I felt free. However, my mother still is getting over the whole thing, and has not dated since. I cannot say I am saddened or bothered by this. The last thing my mother and I need is another father in our lives.

*****

I woke up early in the morning, enjoying the feeling of being able to lay in bed without a worry of being late for school. I think this was what I loved most about summer, sleeping in. Though I would have loved to lie in bed for an eternity, my stomach had other ideas. After a quick sigh, I sat up. I ran my fingers through my black hair, and got up. I walked over to my dresser and pulled out a pair of black jeans and a pink Pink Floyd shirt. Once both of my lip rings were in, I went downstairs.

I poured a glass of orange juice and plopped some toast into the toaster. When I looked outside the window, I noticed something. The usually empty house next door had a small car and two large moving vans in its driveway. I watched as a tall man with blonde hair walked outside from the house to grab more boxes. A short girl with brown hair and blue eyes who did not look happy followed him. Her eyes flickered over to mine. I diverted my eyes toward my toast, watching it slowly brown and start to blacken before popping out. Forgetting the fact that the toast was hot, I grabbed it.

“****!” I yelled, dropping the two pieces of toast on the ground, jumping backwards. My eyes skimmed the window, catching a quick glimpse o the girl. Though it was only a quick glance, I still could swear that I saw her smile ever so slightly. I threw the toast away and grabbed a box of Cheerios.

After finishing my breakfast I decided to go outside with my sketch pad. Normally it is too rainy and gray to go outside, but today was warm and dry and it was a perfect time to go sit up in my tree and sketch anything I could find. It took little to no time at all to hop up onto my favorite branch and look out, searching for something to sketch. My eyes kept wandering over to the moving trucks, scanning for the girl, but I did not see her. I gave up on trying to find her; feeling a bit like a stalker. Instead, I decided to sketch a bird that slept lazily few branches away. I started with the shape of her head and just let myself go. I did not even think about what I was drawing, instead my thoughts changed over to my new neighbors. The man appeared to be the girl’s father, but he looked nothing like her, and where was her mother? Did she have divorced parents too?

Just then I felt as if a heavy cloud fell over me, though the sky was still clear. Immediately, I identified the feeling as the feeling of being watched. I looked around, hoping that it was not who I thought it was. I glanced over toward the house next door and sure enough the girl was sitting in the small swing in the front yard. When she saw that I was looking back she quickly looked down at the ground, her hair falling in front of her face. I shrugged it off and returned to my drawing. When I looked down at the paper I nearly had a heart attack. Though I did not have a heart attack, I did jump enough to fall out of the tree, my sketchpad landed a few feet away.

“Ah!” I yelped. Sitting up carefully to inspect myself, nothing broken. I sighed with relief.

“Are you ok?” a quiet voice asked. I looked up and saw that the girl was standing in front of me, holding my sketchpad out to me.

“Uh, yeah, I think,” I said, a little unsure.

“What happened?” She asked.

“I don’t really know. I guess I was a little surprised,” I answered. I quickly reached out for the pad, hoping that she hadn’t looked at it.

“Oh. My name is Amy,” she said, holding out her hand.

“Brandon,” I replied, taking it. She pulled me on my feet and smiled.

“So what were you surprised about. Must have been a big surprise to make you fall out of a tree,” she giggled.

“Well, I…” I stuttered. I could not tell her the truth but I was no good at lying.

“I was just startled,” I admitted.

“Does it have to do with your drawing? Did it turn out bad or something?” She asked.

“Not bad….” I trailed off.

“Really good?”

“I guess you could say that,” I chuckled.

“Anyway, I just moved here and I don’t really know anyone here so I was wondering if you would want to hang out sometime. I mean unless you would rather fall out of trees all day,” She giggled.

“Yeah it’s a hobby of mine,” I joked, “Yeah sure.”

“Well I had better go to unpack before my dad flips,” she sighed.

“Ok, well I guess I will see you around,” I said as I watched her walk away.

8 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    pgh 1:

    - instead of "most people freak out", say "children tend to freak out". You create more of a youthful connection to the audience when you do this.

    - How about "my father was a drunk, and an abusive one at that." instead? If you keep your original sentence, all you're doing is repeating yourself. Which, of course, sounds good when you say it, but it looks awkward on paper.

    - "beat my mother" instead of beating on your mother. more "immediate" feeling to it.

    - When you talk about how your mother is coping, omit "however". Your readers will be able to connect that there is a difference between you and your mother without you having to state it. Furthermore, say "my mother hasn't recovered; she hasn't dated since." you don't need the "and" in there. The semicolon gives the sentence more of a punch.

    - Reword that next sentence, say something more like "This didn't bother me".

    pgh 2:

    - you don't have to describe every single action you do. That makes the story more of a chronology than anything else. Really great writers can add the right amount of detail and describe linear events without saying everything that's going on in the story at that point in time. It's like watching a movie that shows you every single date of two characters, along with their separate experiences in between those dates, all in order. Wouldn't you get so bored? Talk more about summer, describe a little bit about your routine, but don't go into great detail. Leave out what you can to make your point.

    pgh 3:

    - don't say "I noticed something". This makes it sound like you're telling a story by word of mouth, which you're not. You're telling it through a fictional narrator on paper. Use less language to make your point. combine "I noticed" with "the empty house across the street awake with activity".

    - leave out "I watched". The audience already knows that you're watching what's going on outside.

    pgh 4:

    - replace "her smile ever so slightly" to "i swore I saw a faint smile". sounds better, doesn't it?

    pgh 5:

    - instead of describing the outward events of what your eyes are doing, focus more on the drawing of the bird. I'm assuming that artistry for your character in this story is important to her, so make sure you give this the attention it needs. Talk more about the process of drawing the bird, and less about looking for the girl. We already know your narrator keeps looking for her.

    pgh 6:

    - it's simpler to just say "I felt as though I were being watched." you're saying too much.

    - you don't have to tell the reader you didn't have a heart attack. They're smart enough to know that you aren't actually going to have one.

    Dialogue:

    - when writing dialog, you don't have to add expression to what the characters are saying. Only add it in where needed. Most readers can read dialogue and understand tone with as few annotations as possible. So when you write dialogue, try not adding "she sighed" or "I joked" in unless you think it's absolutely needed. You can write a good dialogue like this:

    "Gosh, I didn't know that," John remarked.

    "Really? It's common knowledge," Joey replied smugly, inhaling from his pipe.

    "Well obviously I'm not the best with common knowledge."

    "I can tell!"

    You should do this only when two characters are going back and forth. When three or more exchange, you are more than welcome to do what you did in your draft here.

    Overall, I think you've got a great story on your hands. It needs some tuning, but so do all great works of fiction. Heck, even when I write, I know that some of what I write isn't terribly great. I have to go back and revise it.

    One hint with your story premise though, judging by what i perceived in your opening paragraph. When you write this story, you should really put in some deep focus about the parent's dilemma's adjusting to divorced life, and you can even contrast that to the neighbor's family.

    Best of luck, and always keep writing!

  • Susan
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    I am also an 11 year old writer! :) I hope you don't mind, but I have some critiques on your story. For instance, you've used words like "scary" and "wooden floor" repeatedly. You could try finding some synonyms to those words to use for your story. Also, your sentences are very short and quick. You may want to take some time in your story to be a little more detailed. Describe the setting, and the character's emotions. Good luck! :) By the way, your story reminds me of a book I once read in 3rd grade that had the same plot. A girl waking up from a nightmare with a family and a name that was unfamiliar to her. I can't remember how it ended, but I'm sure it was a good book. :)

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    To the comment above, the child was not abused, the mother was.

    Anyways, I myself am not the kind of person who really knows about the fluency of writing, I just write and hope the story is good. And then after wards I do the same as you and ask others for advice, opinion, etc.

    So anyways at first I wasn't really sure what was happening. I was first of thinking it would be some kinda of creepy story about weird neighbors, but then after reading it seems like (more towards the end) that he was only looking at her because he is interested in some kind of friendship. Either way the story is good, but just *** some more details i think.

    Answer mine Is This Story Good.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Much better. Anyone can see that you are a much better writer now than you were when you were thirteen. ^_^

    But yet, another problem lingers: After Brandon met Amy (obviously knowing her name) you still called Amy "she". For example: ' "Well I'd better go to unpack before my dad flips," she sighed. '

    You see what I mean? Pronouns are great, but using them over and over is just as bad as using the original noun over and over. Some times you should put 'Amy said' or 'Amy asked' or 'Amy sighed'.

    Just a suggestion.

    Other than that, it was very good!

    Source(s): answer mine plz? srry i have no link, but u nkow how to get to my questions! THANKS! (its a passage from my book)
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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I read it and liked it. Nothing really grabbed my attention and the whole piece was leveled but i would read something like this if i did not feel like thinking, just for light enjoyment.

    Also, i thought the narrator was a girl until He told the name.

  • 1 decade ago

    Just looking at from a truth-based point of view, an abused child would not talk so casually about it.

    Please look at mine: What should I call it?

  • 1 decade ago

    The storyline was interesting, however it does need a good amount of editing.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I love it, as usual! ^_^

    but i must agree with my cousin, clarie, about the pronoun thing. GOOD LUCKS!!

    OMG U HAVE TO READ THIS!!! ^_^

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=200912...

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