Daisy
Lv 7
Daisy asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

playing with unrhymed meter...another take on sand......c/c?

the form is pantoum, but twisted to fit my poem.

http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5786

I stood at a ravine and gazed across

aware of dripping sand somewhere far off

I thought of you, and dreams that I had lost

these memories, like wind, blew through my thoughts

aware of dripping sand somewhere far off

the sand itself a mountain none can climb

when next those memories blew through my thoughts

I caught the wind, and trapped it in my mind

a mountain now, the dripping sand piles on

dreams I've lost, ravines, my memories

are thoughts that churn a faster blowing wind

the dripping sand, a mountain at my feet

my memories, ravines, my dreams, the wind

my thoughts a hurricane that spin and spin

the dripping sand a mountain I can't climb

the spinning wind expels - a hurricane

the dripping sand, a mountain, now a bridge

I stand at a ravine and gaze across

dreams blew, like the wind, across my mind

I caught them with the force of my own thoughts

Update:

oopps..I dint use enjambment...the form isn't made for that. Thanks though. =)

Update 2:

swing...yep...a dang enjamb did get in...i should change it? hmm.. k

13 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    (...there she goes again...)

    Hi, Sin!

    nice poem -

    very melodic

    Source(s): There is some enjambment, if the strict definition is used. It seems to work for me. I can't imagine why it wouldn't. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enjambment
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  • 1 decade ago

    I don't see the enjambment? Is it that the poem is one continual thought (if I'm wording that correctly)? If this form isn't made for it, it sure works the way you have it anyway. I love this. The flow is great and the visuals amazing. I was standing right there in the sand with wind blowing in my hair. Wonderful. Your imagination is more than impressive.

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  • Ellen
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    Down and dirty depressive reality, good alliteration, hardly boring. You've written too many brilliant things to be stupid. The stars only appear to be falling because you're shooting through them. Self recognition would be seeing a beautiful person and an exceptional and sensitive poet.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Liked your poem using unrhymed meter. Had to look up enjambment, me being a thicko, and then realised I use it myself sometimes (LOL). Seriously liked your poem, it had fantastic visuals. I'm learning from you, might have a go myself

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  • 1 decade ago

    Good Morning Sin. Very nice writing. I especially like the last stanza.

    Source(s): your friend, shirley
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  • 1 decade ago

    first off, thanks for the link!

    as for the poem...

    I love it.

    don't notice the enjambment you are talking about -- but I am a simple writer not a pro...

    I like what you did with this form.

    nice flow and LOVE the imagery!

    I am so there...

    giggles :)

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  • Regwah
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    I absolutely love the images you generate for me with this, wonderful writing Sin.

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  • Kirby
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    Nice write! Props for using a form...they are pretty much foreign to me, lol.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I like the weave

    awesome write

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  • 1 decade ago

    Good poem about the memories,,,,,,

    You have good imagination ....keep going

    You can turn out as good poet

    All the best

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