What do you guys think of my story so far?

The Lies Among us.

"The sun is up, But it won't shine in the sky,

The moon came out, But it won't illuminate the ground.

Under the thick cover of leaves,

in this ominous green forest, my ears here the simple lies,

the wind whispers in my ears.

The forest in my soul, my heart lies in the ground.

My love once dead, weaves itself through the tangle of a false reality,

inside the green trees, is where I rest in peace.

Alas, the forest has died, and the leaves fall dead,

brown and to the ground, I fall with them.

Releasing my secrets, whispering them into the dying winds.

I am one with the forest, I die with the forest.

My life was a tormented game, a tortured heart.

But as I lay in the ground, my fingers numbly picking at the dirt above me,

I hear the restless stir of the lying leaves,

and at last I am finally home." [Poem by me]

Prologue

Something about the forrest has always attracted me. Wether it had been the haunting oaks that loomed over me, casting shadows around my feet, like pools of black water that were tying to suck me in. Or the peacefulness of the still air throughout the rustling leaves. Either way, the forest was my savior from the over bearing world that I despised. It was an escape, the kind you get from drugs, or a high. The rushing creek, and the elongating limbs of the trees was my high. The way the ground would stir with dead leaves every time I made my way into the maze of loneliness. I have never had many friends, part of that reason was because of my lack of attendance at school. Teachers would be worried, but my parents didn't care. They could give less of a **** about me if I fell from a twenty story building. All they care about, those heartless beings that gave birth to me, is money. And that meant throwing me away to create an empire of happiness. That was why I turned to the lonely life of a hiker. I travel through millions of trees, wondering what my life could have been like elsewhere. If I were dead, would there be at last that bit of peace even the forest can't provide most of the time. I wonder, sometimes, if I was even meant to be on this earth. Or if I'm just some sickly joke that was to be tormented 'till death. No one would care if I died, in fact, half of my school's population would be glad, and if I'm correct, my parents would just laugh and move on with their worthless lives. I'm a lonely truth in a world of lies, and for once I wish I could show the world what they have done to me. Show them the truth that they have been hiding from ever since the dawn of time. But I know that wishing such extreme things is a waste of my nonexistent time, and a hope crushing action for me. So for now, I stick to the inhuman trees, and the whispering wind, and hope to god that I will be okay.

Chapter 1 - The cause and effect of timeless jokes.

I've lost all faith in this world. I realized this as I sat in the third row of Economy class, faintly nodding my head when the teacher would ask me questions. I don't know why I keep begging for expectance, every time I just get shot down. And I definitely don't know why I even try to get along with my parents. They hate me, I don't know what I did to them, but the hate me with every last bit of horrible, tainted blood inside of their greedy bodies. Besides, faith is a funny words. It means so much to the average joe, but then you come across a being like me, someone filled with so much doubt and conspiracies. To me, faith is like being trapped in a locked car under 50,000 pounds of water, faith is like digging your own grave way to early. There is no god, no eternal heaven, so when people tell me they have faith, I have no interest in conversing with them.

"Mable." Mr. Stern said with authority in his voice. I slowly lifted my lifeless blue eyes up to his dull brown ones and started at him with no emotion at all. "Why don't you tell the class what you would do in a national depression." He said, trying to catch me in a bad moment. Well, so sorry for Mr. Stern, but every moment is my bad moment. I pushed my limp, greasy blonde hair out of my face, and turned my whole body towards the class. Tearing my mind of away from thoughts of the forest.

"She'd probably just live in the forest like a hobo." I heard one little insecure freshmen whisper to a larger senior. I laughed at her stupid attempt to make me feel bad, and I stood up, like I always have to do when answering Mr. Stern's idiotic questions. I cleared my throat when people started to snicker at me, and I felt light headed from the evil glares I was getting. Whatever.

"Actually, I have it all planned out." I said laughing in my head, but an evil smile crept upon my face. "Knowing already that our nation is in a down fall worse then the depression in the 1930's, I have concocted a genius plan to save myself from the rotting bodies that will be famished outside of my window." I said pausing, trying my best to conjure the plan I have yet to

Update:

~*~Ashly... - yeah.. sorry this was like the first serious idea I've ever had so it does a bit weird. And yeah there are freshman in my economics class at my school.. I'm not sure how they got there, but they're ******* genius. Yeah, so sorry if that doesn't elsewhere.

4 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It wasn't bad. However, you flip-flopped between perspectives. You started in present and switched to past and then back to present. Keep your tenses consistent.

    Second: why is there a freshmen in an Economy class? Or vice versa?

    God should be capatalized.

    It needs major editing...but tis not bad. Keep it up!

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  • 3 years ago

    I've certainly not learn Twilight, nor do I intend on studying it so I are not able to make any comparisons as I see others have made. However, to be sincere, your plethora of grammar errors make the tale a chore to drudge via. You are manner too beneficiant together with your semicolons; you even placed them within the improper location. (see that illustration?) A semicolon is supposed to become a member of 2 unbiased clauses that would additionally exist as separate sentences. A well rule of thumb is that if each constituents of the sentence that you're dividing would every be an unbiased sentence, it would probably paintings. If it does not, then do not placed the semicolon there. Maybe cognizance for your grammar slightly extra, then do a rewrite.

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  • 1 decade ago

    It's very interesting. Made me want to read more, and that is a good thing, its important that stories do that. Keep writing, you'll only get better and better!

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  • 1 decade ago

    Not too bad. i liked it and it left me wanting to read more. i especially liked your poem at the beginning it was really good. i want to know what her attraction is to the forest! keep it up

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