I read this and wondered if it would make you laugh as much as it did me?

ONLY AN AMERICAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS!!

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to

safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the

prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second

burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself,

'no possible way!' What happened next is almost

beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. .

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and

over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and

tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered

conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on

the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head,

which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is

difficult, try being stupid !!!

23 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Once again you come up trumps George, I like the name for the cat,but I bet Miss allen was not so pleased. This wasn't drawn from a personal experience was it? If it was what happened to your cigar when you tazered yourself? or are you still looking for it. Your ar*e still smoking?

    Must say the descriptive passages were side splitting couldn't help laughing myself picturing that poor guy (or was it you) flying through the air and the cat taking off after him.

    Keep 'em coming George and calm Gracie down.

  • 1 decade ago

    Oh dear God, buy that was horrible! I'm still laughing, nearly lost my bladder...

    ... Ya are trying ta kill me!

    Not a toy to take swimming, is it?

    This Is A Keeper, Good Show !

  • 1 decade ago

    Ive had to stop reading this story half way to wipe my face and go for a loo break.By the time i finished my ribs were hurting.Don't know where you get all this from,but keep it coming.

  • 1 decade ago

    Very funny story, But has the cat recovered lol

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  • 1 decade ago

    Funny.

  • 1 decade ago

    Won der fool

  • 1 decade ago

    ive just wet myself laughing

    i can just picture this guy frying himself

    lol

    2 great posts the mugger and the tazer

    A1 greybear

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You're right, only an American could be that stupid.

    Helloooooooooooooooooooooo America!!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    lol

    In a survey of American women, when asked,

    "Would you sleep with President Clinton?"

    86% replied, "Not again."

  • John
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    very funny enjoyed the story

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