Those who are depressed, do you ever fear you will never feel genuine happiness again?
In life, and when you have this particular illness/chemical balance, there are moments where you feel happiness may be coming on, but then you fall short. There are also times where the negative emotions--anger, greed, jealousy, sorrow--become super-intense and you just want to punch the wall or tear your hair out. But then there is this type of day--it's not particularly good, it's not particularly horrid, it's just long and gray and oh-so melancholy. In a way, this type of day terrifies me the most. Yes, the other times, where feelings are more specific and charged, can tear you apart, but more and more my greatest fear is: What if life is always going to be just this, long and gray and melancholy? What if passion is eventually gone and I can't love anyone (even if it's unrequited) or anything (music, art)? You know what I mean? Anyone? lol There are times where I almost want to send myself into an emotional frenzy just to prove to myself I can still -feel-.
It's helpful, I can't lie, but it's also... synthetic. And a lot of the time it just pushes me from down-and-out/suicidal to indifferent and cold, y'know?