How do you feel about being the one given away?

i am only 6 weeks along and am thinking out my options. i have 2 kids already (3 1/2 yr old boy and 2 yr old girl) and a 7 yr old step-daughter. i thought we were done but apparently not. i am not going to lie, i got lazy with the pills so i missed 2 or 3 and here we are. the thing is we can barely afford the family as it is, i am sure if we really tried we could manage with one more but that would mean we would have to finally break down and go on public assistance and i would have to leave work for a while (i was on bed rest with #2 so i may have to do that again, plus i really don't want to miss out on the first few months). that said i would rather not go through all of that. i was leaning towards abortion which never even crossed my mind before, so then i start feeling all guilty and thinking ,maybe adoption would be better (closed adoption i don't want to see her knowing she isn't mine anymore). so adoptees, how do you feel knowing your b-family kept your siblings but gave you away? would it be better just to abort? the more i think about it the more conflicted i get, i want to do whats best for everyone involved and i have no one to talk to. my mom would tell me to keep it and do whatever i have to, and my fiance is being mr. politically correct and just keeps saying it's my body and so its my choice (which isn't very fair it is his kid too, so this shouldn't be laid all on my shoulders). anyway, what do you think/ how would you feel?

Update:

Thank you all for your answers, some made me cry but it helped snap me out of the stupid "any life is better than none" fairy tale i was starting to create.

i think a major part of the conflict is that this is my last chance at being preg. again (we already planned on using our tax return to get him a vasectomy). i know both what it would cost us and what we would be missing out on, and i am trying to justify the money issue but that just isn't a very solid reason to tell someone, and i knew that but you all seem to agree.

i think i have been thinking selfishly, i feel guilty about the taboo of abortion and so i should try to give them away and hide like that is any better? just so they can live and i didn't even consider how the other kids would feel about it.

i still have 3 more weeks to think and think, but i can say that adoption is no longer one of my options. i am sorry for digging at your wounds.

Update 2:

i should also thank you for helping me understand my mom a little better. she was kind of adopted. her bdad ran out on my grandma when she was preg. and so she rushed and married my grandpa and he claimed my mom as his. she never knew until she was a teen when one of her aunts let the secret out. we don't even know his name (grandma won't say a word on the subject. just cried and asked me why i hated my grandpa so much, when i don't i was just asking for the other guys name). my mom seems well ajusted and acts like she doesn't care at all but if she is hurting like some of you it would explain at lot of the things she has said and done.

24 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I would be devastated beyond words to learn my mother abandoned me to adoption when she had other children.

    My mother had two children after me, and even that tears my heart out.

    If you're pro-choice and view abortion as a viable option, my advice would be make an appointment as soon as possible.

    If you're considering keeping your baby, there are many options for you as far as public assistance.

    But please, whatever you do, don't abandon your baby to adoption.

    Please review these sites. They will not be easy for you to read, but believe me, as difficult as it will be for you to review them, it's infinitely harder to live what is on these pages. Adoption will mean a lifetime of despair for you, your husband, your baby, as well as your kept children.

    Keep Your Baby

    http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

    Birthmothers Info

    http://www.birthmothers.info/

    Exiled Mothers

    http://www.exiledmothers.com/

    Source(s): Edit to add: You wrote: "i am sorry for digging at your wounds." Please, please do not apologize, that's not what you did at all. We are here to answer questions and share our experiences. Thank you for hearing us; so few people do. I'm very sorry for what your mom experienced too. Best of luck to you, and thank you again for really hearing us.
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  • 1 decade ago

    I have quite a few younger biological half siblings. It never really bothered me, but I am the oldest, the only one born out of marriage, the only one with a different dad, and she did at one time come and challenge for custody. If I had of been the youngest and the situation the same as my brothers' then I would have been hurt certainly. You can say to yourself in your head "I was just a baby, it has nothing to do with me as a person, it was a choice made because of other factors" but it takes a long time - it ever, for that reasoning to make any effect on how you feel about it. I'm not going to tell you abortion is better - that is a choice for each person to make, nor am I going to tell you adoption is wrong - but the truth is that especially with kept siblings, your child will wonder if they find out just what was wrong with them.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Hi Forgotten,

    Very sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Every child should be lucky enough to be born to their family & wanted enough to be raised. Nobody can tell you what to do of course, just making suggestions based upon what you have said here.

    You do mention that if you continue the pregnancy you may have to take time off work if you are ordered to take bed rest again. Do you really want to go through all that again if you are just going to give away the child after the birth? How do you think your family would feel about that? Since your mother will be happy about another grandchild, perhaps there's some way she can assist your family at least temporarily if you need it, or maybe there are other friends or relatives that will come forward to help your family too. You said if you tried, you could manage. If you do feel you have enough room for one more in your family, then the best thing to do is raise your child with the others. You undoubtedly already have toys & clothes & other baby necessities from your other children. And the last child could share a room with your other child of that gender.

    Govt. assistance is there for a reason. It's available to encourage families to stay together if they need it. Giving away the child will permanently effect not only that child but also your other children. They may worry that you might want to give them away too. Don't overlook the fact that will have a lasting effect on YOU as well! Please research the effects of closed adoption on mothers & children if you are still in doubt.

    If you're asking us if bringing a child into the world just to purposely create an adoptee out of him/her, is going to make them happy under these circumstances, I would say that would not be realistic to expect that. Especially since you intend to subject them to the closed adoption experience. Whatever you do, do not expect thanks for that! I know I would not be happy about that. Every child deserves better than that or don't bother. You also asked our opinions, so yes, in this case, I think if you really don't want any more children, terminate the pregnancy early & then find a permanent method of birth control.

    Yes, the one given away will always wonder why they were not good enough to keep when you were old enough, married, and had other children. I would not want to be the one to try to explain that one to my grown child. Also, I feel it's not very kind to subject an adoptee to a closed adoption. Those are usually reserved for cases where the child is in danger of being abused by the parents.

    You say you want to do what is best. True, it is your body so your husband should be ok with you deciding on whether or not to terminate the pregnancy; however, once/if the child is here, he has equal legal say in relinquishing the child.

    Final advice if you decide to continue the pregnancy - avoid all adoption agencies, adoption counselors, or solicitors online befriending you until after the birth. Make no decision until you have held your baby in your arms for at least a few weeks. Good luck,

    julie j

    reunited adult adoptee

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  • 1 decade ago

    as i read your plight i felt for you. you seemed to have bonded with this baby already - you call her "she", you "really don't want to miss out on the first few months". i see that you have a few weeks to think and that adoption is not on your options anymore so i'm thinking now you feel abortion is right? i am neither for nor against abortion as it has its place in certain circumstances. but as i said you seem to have bonded already and without support from your partner (which u don't seem to be getting adequate amounts of) i think you may blame each other. please talk to each other and try to understand why he feels it is your decision or get him to understand that it isn't just yours, as some of the posters have said if you have the baby he will be there to raise it! also as some others have said it is not bad to accept financial support - you have worked and intend to return to work eventually therefore you have contributed to that system. ask your mum for help with childcare before (and after if you have the baby). if you choose abortion make sure that you and you partner understand why so as there are no feelings of blame should you regret it and take time to grieve x please know i am thinking of you and hope that your family whether it has a new addition or not are well and loving x

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  • 3 years ago

    Depends on what they want, I'm regularly feeling beneficiant so all of it comes down as to if I can do whatever financially , if now not and I can aid with my time I attempt to. On most sensible of many foods I have purchased for hungry persons I as soon as purchased a non-refundable bus price tag so a child who discovered himself in Phoenix with out the activity that he used to be promised would get house to San Fran. I were recognized to take persons to the grocer while they're out of meals , matters like that . I'm no saint feel me , I simply attempt to aid if I can. Good query , specially seeing that occasions are so hard for such a lot of .

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  • 1 decade ago

    If I found out that my first family had other children, but gave me away, it would likely push me over the edge. I was given to an abusive a-mom, and I would hate to think that I went through something like that if my siblings didn't. There are NO guarantees in adoption, except that the child will have a "different" life. It may not always be worse, but it might not be better, either. If you aren't going to abort, parent. Things get hard, but you can work through them. There are places out there to help your family stay together. Adoption would effect not only you, but the children that you keep. They might start to wonder how long it is before THEY are put up for adoption. Children have a way of feeling insecure about things, and never voicing them because they are afraid of their parent's reactions. If you have this child, then give them up, this child will likely be upset that they were the one given away when you kept the others. Its just not a good situation.

    If I were in your shoes, I would either keep the child, or not continue the pregnancy at all.

    Source(s): Adoptee, mother of 5
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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I was abandoned to adoption at 7mths old, my older sister (who was ~2 at the time) was kept. Bmom also went on to have two more kids (both boys) but one of 'em died at 7mths old.

    How do I feel? I absolutely ******' hate it! How the frak d'you think I'd feel?! *insert teen hard-knock voice* Oh yeah, I'm so bad not even my own mom wanted me! ??? Sorry, not gonna happen - what a kid needs is its own caring nurturing loving unabusive flesh and blood.

    Seriously, if you don't think you're ready to parent again, do the decent thing and get a bloody abortion. While it may still be painful, it's (a) not gonna be anywhere near as painful for you as it would be knowing another one of your kids is out there somewhere without your input, and (a) it's gonna be infinitely less painful for what will develop into the child, because trust me, kids know when they no longer have their own parents.

    Put it this way, do you really believe that it's better to bring yet another kid into the world that's gonna be unwanted and abandoned, or wouldn't it just be a lot saner to GO GET THE BLOODY ABORTION!

    A page that may help you is one written by a woman who has done both. It's called ""Breaking the Silence: On Living Pro-Lifers' Choice for Women"" and can be found at http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/03/bre...

    Source(s): Abandoned to adoption at 7mths old, would much rather've been aborted instead - at least then my lifetime of agonising pain would have been several decades shorter than it's being now.
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  • 1 decade ago

    My ex husband was given away .. he wasn't a baby but his mom kept having more kids (14) He has issues to this day and he's 44. She kept 11 of the kids and gave 3 to her sister.

    You know finances might be hard right now but things usually do get easier as time goes by. Either way, if you terminate your pregnancy or make an adoption plan , you're going to experience a great amount of loss. This might stay with you the rest of your life. The "what ifs" will always be in the back of your mind.

    Whatever decision you make, I wish you well.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I was adopted out at birth but I came to find my biological mother. I came to find out she had another 2 kids and kept them. She had the youngest removed from her care as she could not control him. The middle child went on to having a baby at a very young age and she was there for both of them but not me. Personaly I felt cheated and betrayed in the beginning, but I came to releaise that it was the best thing she could of ever done for me. Yes she was young when she was pregnant with me and she felt she had no other option. As I got to know the bilogical family I knew for a fact my life would of been very screwed up if she would of kept me.

    Growing up I had some problems and it was due to not knowing my bilogical family, I use to hold it over my adopted parents head that I wasnt their daughter, they didnt love me because I never belived I was loved. But as I found out more about my bilogical mother I came to releaise that the adoption probabley saved my life and no one could love me more than my adopted parents did and still do.

    I love my bilogical mother to this day but only for giving birth to me and giving me a chance by giving me up for adoption. I am not close with her or her family and dont plan on being any time soon. I wish I never would of found out who my bilogical mother was and it would of been better for eveyone involved.

    But adoption is a great gift you could give to anyone. I personally think its the best thing most unselfish thing someone could ever do. But you have to relaise there will always be a part of you missing. Mine was a closed adoption and I latter came to find out thebio family always had a bday party for me every year and my bio mom would look at the other kids on playground and wonder if I was one of them. So its a huge choice. Its not for everyone. Weigh all of the options then do what is right for you and your family but most importantly do what you think you can live with.

    I wish you all the best.

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  • 1 decade ago

    okay to be brutally honest, i think adoption is 10000000 X worse then abortion... think about it, the fact of knowing that u were given away due to whatever reason leaves a deep scar. knowing that u were not wanted and now placed for adoption must be the ugliest feeling ever! and to put ur baby for adoption must feel horrible too. abortion on the other hand doesnt hurt anyone... unless u regret it later but if u really think about it, abortion is removing a fertilized egg depending what u have, which would be an embryo, not a fetus yet, you get the stress off having to provide for another child, and the child itself probably wont have a good life, or probably a worse one being put to adoption. so think about ur options first and remember no one has the right to judge u or make u feel bad for whatever decision u make. its your body and u decide..

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  • 1 decade ago

    You don't have to stretch your imagination too far to realize that being the one child given away by your own mother whilst your siblings are kept and raised by her HURTS

    I had 3 children when we'd only planned and budgeted for two (second pregnancy turned out to be twins). We manage. You can too, if you really want to. I know it's overwhelming, but one more doesn't really make that whole heck of a difference to be honest and keeping your family intact in the sort term will save a whole heck of a lot of grief in the long term.

    People will tell you that adoption is a 'selfless' and 'loving' option. Those are usually the ones set to benefit from the whole transaction. what really matters is you and your family, most of all your child. You don't need to be taking on anyone else's burdens right now - just watch out for the vultures who'll give you sob stories about how they deserve YOUR child 'cos you can do what they can't (make a baby). You have what they want.

    Source(s): I'm an Adoptee who didn't get to grow up with my family and siblings
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