In a "good enough" marriage - but also in love with another.?

I realize that I can't make this sound good, probably because it is not a good situation. I also realize I may come off looking poorly, but it is better to be truthful. I am in a marriage that I would call "good enough". We love each other, we tend to see things the same way, we share similar goals and ideas. We do fight more often that I would like. Sex life is good, love is there, no major problems. Just a normal marriage that I wouldn't say has any major problems. However, the issue is that there is another woman that I have known for a long time and who I used to date - and the truth is, I love her. She feels the same way about me. I think about her all the time. The problem is that I'm in a marriage that I can't say is bad, by normal standards, it is good - but I love another woman and desire to be with her. Where does one go from here? I mean, do you really leave a decent marriage to chance something like that? Or do you just put your head down and remember your vows, despite your feelings for someone else. Again, I am familiar with my vows and I realize this is not an honorable situation, but it is a real one.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    you should get a divorce.

    be honest, if you dont love your wife, you are just staying together for convenience, its not smart.

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  • 1 decade ago

    You are suffering from "The Grass Is Always Greener" syndrome. The only reason you aren't feeling that same "butterflies" feeling of love for your wife as you are for the old flame is because you haven't been working on it. You can rekindle those feelings, but it will take effort on your part. It may even help to tell your wife you want to work on "spicing up" your marriage.

    Trust me, if you make the poorer decision here and leave your wife for this other woman, you will find yourself in this exact situation again. The woman you are so in love with now will become "good enough" and some other woman will seem exotic and awesome in comparison. This phenominon is why honoring your marriage vows is so important. It is human nature to see everything else as better than your own, and you must fight this urge.

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  • 1 decade ago

    You are being over driven with emotion. Emotion has no permanence. Emotion is like a wave of water that eventually dissipates. What you are feeling for this other woman is lust. Don't let it trick you. All relationships have problems and disagreements. Chances are it won't be any different with her. You should sit down and think of why you are attracted to this other girl. Once you have found the reasons you will realize that they are attachments to ideas. Ideas do not always play out the way we think they are going to though. That is the trick of emotions. Also, realize that just because you two are both getting along and it feels wonderful and magical, doesn't mean it will remain like that. A lot of the time it feels like that, when two people aren't dating, but what they are feeling is the tug of lust.

    Being a man is about being wise about that fact. Being a woman is also about realizing that fact. Emotion is a trick. Don't let it make you start thinking that life with this other girl would be perfect. Chances are you will end up where you already are. By pursuing this other relationship you'd be basically wasting your time, showing that you are unstable, and unreliable. Remember, use your mind. Don't follow your heart unless your mind can prove that it is rational. I don't believe this move is rational though.

    I will not stress enough: emotions are a trick. Emotions are irrational. It is like when someone comes by and convinces you that smoking is good for your health. They are so charming and you decide maybe you should smoke. Is that rational? In reality, you are full of doubt because some "idea" is trying to persuade you. When you feel a rush of emotion, stop yourself. Stop yourself and regain center: "What I do is what I decide to do. Love is an action. Love is tolerance. Love is understanding the imperfection of others. Love is understanding individuality. Everything comes down to my decision. Lust is an irrational primal instinct."

    I am not christian, so I understand if you are not christian, but you should read the book "Love Dare". If you are not christian just ignore the God parts, lol, but it is a good book.

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  • Mark H
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    This is not at all uncommon. You are at a point where you have to make a huge decision that strongly reflects on the kind of person you are. You KNOW what the right decision is...are you strong enough to make it? Consider, if you aren't strong enough, wouldn't that prove weakness? I can tell you, you will feel better about yourself if you truly commit to your wife. You don't want to hurt her. She has done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve it. You do love her. However, no man is strong enough to face his greatest temptation on a regular basis. If you do choose to be a man of honor and strength...you will have to largely eliminate that which weakens you from your life. You can't "just be friends"...not with this woman. Understand that and cut off contact with this other woman. That will be VERY difficult...but you KNOW it is the right thing. Again, you do love your wife. When the other woman is no longer a constant but, rather, a fading memory...then you will see clearly again.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Ewwwww, sweety this is my WORST nightmare:( I feel so terrible for your niave wife. Ok let me tell you something, you would have never got yourself in this situation if you wernt talking to this other woman on a regular basis am I right?? Ok so there alone is emotional infedelity! I want you to know that the grass is not greener on the other side by any means, truly it isn't!! You are attracted to this women and have these strong feelings b/c human nature we want what we "can't have" fast forward 5 years down the road, you divorce your wife(for absolutley no logical reason) and are now stuck married to this other woman you "love" with 3 kids, she is now fat, and you are more miserable then you would have ever been with your wife!!! This is the problem with people, including myself on certain occasions, we are never satisfied with what we have EVER, you need to seriously pray about this, becuase like you said it isn't right, and you will distroy someones whole world by being selfish b/c you think you love someone esle, newsflash you are blinded by lust!! I would suggest cutting off all ties with this woman and focusing on your marriage and how to make it go from "good enough" to amazing! A marriage takes effort and when your mind is somewhere else of coarse it is only going to be mediocer, that is all you are putting into it, you are putting all the good stuff into your thoughts of this other women. You get what you give just remember those words!! Please pray about this:) Live right and good things will happen in your life. Good luck sweety....

    Source(s): 25 life!! sorry spell check wouldn't work and I can't spell!!haha
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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Real-life isn't "one true love".

    You have made your choice, stick with it and put the energy you would have put into your girlfriend into making your marriage less boring.

    I personally think you should do some soul searching and figure out what precisely you are going to do about your marriage with your wife. Then tell her that you were getting too close to this old friend and have put more boundaries in place with her and will not be in contact with her for a while and that we need to do something about our marriage. Something is missing.

    i.e. You tell your friend that "It's been fun, but this has to stop. Good luck and good bye."

    Get the book in source as a spring-board and think about what would make you happier with your wife.

    A blind-sided divorce isn't really better than an affair.

    At least with an affair you still have a desire to stay with your spouse.

    Carpe Diem.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Leave well enough alone! Right now you have a good marriage in your hands; why chance it off for something you don`t know how it`ll turn out? Count your blessings and forget about changing a good poker for a pair of two`s. Besides, think about the good, acceptable wife you now have. She`s not just an object you can trade for something else. And if there are children involved, the worse still. Think about all the hurting you are willing to do! Although you can go ahead and do the stupid thing, chances are 10 to 1 you`ll regret it. In a nutshell.....don`t do it.

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  • Sue C
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    I would pretty much say you are going to KNOW what others are going to say to you about this situation. You do admit you have a good marriage, but nonetheless are still in love w/someone else. In all honesty I believe you KNOW you owe it to your vowels you took when you got married. Unfortunately you just cannot have both. It would be so much easier on both of you if you could say your good byes to one another as you know it just cannot be as much as you'd like it to. You'll never forget this other woman, but you truly should give your marriage everything you can knowing nothing can come from the other situation in your life. Even tho it's wrong, I can have sympathy for you as you are in love w/her regardless & that's something just just cannot turn off w/the flip of a switch. But by completely letting go, you at least can give more to your marriage. You are in a tough situation, but I'm sure you know what the answers to your post are going to be...I DO wish you the very best...:)

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  • 1 decade ago

    The grass is not always greener. Just because you have a fantasy about being with someone you perceive you love doesn't mean it will turn out good. You describe your marriage as a good one with no real issues, be happy that you have found someone with similar interests, goals and good qualities. You truly don't know someone until you've been with them for an extended period of time and you may find out that this other woman isn't cracked up to be what you may think.

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  • 1 decade ago

    What is going on is your marriage is you 2 have become in a rut. What I mean by this is everything has become a routine and you fell in love with someone else because deep down inside you want something better. You love your wife, but deep down you just want more from her. You seeked out this other woman because maybe should could be better for you. She isn't better. You married your wife for a reason and don't forget that reason. You need to drop the other woman, for you and your wife. What you need to do is spice up your marriage, you said the sex is good but make it better, make it outstanding make it so wonderful when your at work you can't wait to be home to be with your wife. To help make you sex life better try going to a sex store together and get some toys to use on her or you. Make a romantic night, cook her favorite dinner and buy her favorite flowers and candles.Make it all about her for one night, more in likely she will return the favor. You just need to spice up your relationship in the bedroom and out of the bedroom, to make a marriage work you need to COMMUNICATE I stress communicate because without communication a relationship will fail and thats a promise. You need to talk about how you feel about her and think of the happy things that make you happy about being with her. Start going out on dates and just have fun but the most important thing is you need to be there for her, she loves you and you love her, you married her for a reason, drop this other woman, you need your wife, and she needs you, start going out on dates, and go to a sex store. Just have fun and communicate! Even if you don't like to communicate you need to do it for you marriage. Remember, you married her for a reason, and don't forget that reason either.

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  • 1 decade ago

    You have three options:

    1. Suck it up, be an adult and take control of yourself. You made a vow, now you have to live with it. We all have a past. But it should stay in the past.

    2. If you can't suck it up, then you need to cut off all contact with this woman. Tell her straight up that you are committed to your wife, that you love your wife, but that the temptation is too great for you to handle. Then never speak with her again.

    3. Your marriage is over.

    Those are the only 3 options. Pick one.

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