what do you think about the start of my story (revised starting)?

ok ive asked this before but know i changed parts in it to try and make it a bit better

its called The Violet Gateway

She stared at the huge, fiery gate, her violet eyes glittering in the light. She knew that if she did not continue, she would lose not just the most important person in her life. Her Guardian. But all of humanity as well. But if she did go on she would have only one chance to save him. And life on Earth would be safe , unless she failed and died in the flames. These thoughts flickered through her mind as she continued walking slowly through the fiery gates of Hell, and didn’t look back.

please rate it out of 10 (10 being the highest) and say why you gave it that rating

thanx in advance

Update:

um whats wrong with the hell part

6 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    8 because it's good, but choppy. Instead of '...she would lose not just the most important person in her life. Her Guardian. But all of humanity as well.' It would make more sense to say, '...she would lose not just the most important person in her life, her Guardian, but all of humanity as well.'

    Then just say, 'If she did go....' not 'But if she did go...' and 'Life on Earth...' not 'And life on Earth.'

    Basically, try not to start sentences with and or but.

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  • 1 decade ago

    It sounds good, I do not like the part about hell but it sounds good.

    I would have given it a 10 but since you have her in hell I will give it a 7.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Any story which contains "her violet eyes" in the first sentence is not one that I want to read. Sorry. 2/10

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  • 3 years ago

    Describe how the driving force's face is and how he strikes while he does. decelerate while it includes scenes such by using fact the commencing up. we could desire to comprehend how your international FEELS, we are no longer involved what it is. no longer yet, till we adore the way it feels, if it has any feeling in any respect. provide sweat character, additionally provide limping character. Make issues look actual and stay.

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  • 1 decade ago

    pretty good.I would say a 7.A 7 because I think if u tweak it a bit it will be prefect.Wishing u well.

    Source(s): me
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  • 1 decade ago

    8.5 good start (:

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