can you please take a look?

hi i need help with this summery i already wrote it i just need some one to proof read it, i need to handed in tomm.. i can ask my parents because they can understand english. please i need your help to make this summery better.

Obesity in United States is a major problem. Large amounts of Americans are getting fatter and fatter each day. In other word, the rate of obesity in United States is getting higher. Obesity in United States has increased every year for the last couple of year. For instance, based on an investigation adult obesity exceeded over twenty percent as well as two third of adults in U.S. are considered being obese or overweight. However, adults are not the only one who are overweight but young children as well. Among the kids from age ten to seventeen, about thirty percent of them are overweight in United States. Also, overweight children are most likely to become obese as adult because based on statistical analysis children are almost certain to remain overweight. This is a major problem since the obesity leads to many diseases that to endanger someone life. In addition, another factor that is influencing the increasing rate of the obesity now in United States is the recession. The struggle of the U.S. economy is contributing to the increase in rate of obesity. Such as, people are not able to afford to buy healthier food. Therefore, some individuals have a real tight budget to pay for food to live upon. The simple fact of the matter is fattening food is much more affordable than healthy food in most cases for the people with tight budget. For example, the price for fruits, vegetables and other healthier foods rises and the individual earn income falling. Therefore, it comes to this whether you have the cash to pay a little more healthy food in order to stay healthy. However, the increase rate of obesity is leading to many problems. Such as healthcare cost diseases that are cause by obesity burdening on the national healthcare system. If the rate of obesity continues to increase, this can have major effect on the growth of American economy as it stated by Dr. James S. Marks, senior vice-president of the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation because it will bankrupt the American nation. Such as many diseases that are cause by obesity. For instance, cure for diabetes and how to prevent many other diseases that is cause by obesity. With the rise in obesity, this makes up the most expensive burden for the Americas health care system. Although the rise in obesity seems to increase based on the study there is a sign of hope, “only 23 states showed an increase in obesity …, compare with 37 … in last year survey.”

please help me improve what i already wrote i can ask any 1 because people that i know dont speeak english. please help

thank you for your help.

2 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    First of all you need better hook in the first sentence.

    EX. It's really no wonder that there is an obesity epidemic in America. Food is everywhere we look; sitting along the roadsides, calling at you in bright colors from grocery store shelves, glowing in vending machines down the hallway. There is no way to escape the never ending advertisements from fast food restaurants. This is where obesity begins

    You didn't Indent

    I made some changes as far as you putting `Also` in front of sentences

    Overall it is well organized and has great info

    Obesity in United States is a major problem. Large amounts of Americans are getting fatter and fatter each day. In other word, the rate of obesity in United States is getting higher. Obesity in the U.S. has increased every year for the last couple of year. For instance, based on an investigation adult obesity exceeded over twenty percent as well as two third of adults in U.S. are considered being obese or overweight. However, adults are not the only one who are overweight but young children as well. Among the kids from age ten to seventeen, about thirty percent of them are overweight in United States. Overweight children are most likely to become obese as an adult because based on statistical analysis children are almost certain to remain overweight. This is a major problem since the obesity leads to many diseases that to endanger someone life. In addition, another factor that is influencing the increasing rate of the obesity now in United States is the recession. The struggle of the U.S. economy is contributing to the increase in rate of obesity. Such as, people are not able to afford to buy healthier food. Therefore, some individuals have a real tight budget to pay for food to live upon. The simple fact of the matter is fattening food is much more affordable than healthy food in most cases for the people with tight budget. For example, the price for fruits, vegetables and other healthier foods rises and the individual earn income falling. Therefore, it comes to this whether you have the cash to pay a little more healthy food in order to stay healthy. However, the increase rate of obesity is leading to many problems. Such as healthcare cost diseases that are cause by obesity burdening on the national healthcare system. If the rate of obesity continues to increase, this can have major effect on the growth of American economy as it stated by Dr. James S. Marks, senior vice-president of the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation because it will bankrupt the American nation. Such as many diseases that are cause by obesity. For instance, cure for diabetes and how to prevent many other diseases that is cause by obesity. With the rise in obesity, this makes up the most expensive burden for the Americas health care system. Although the rise in obesity seems to increase based on the study there is a sign of hope, “only 23 states showed an increase in obesity …, compare with 37 … in last year survey.”

    Source(s): Years of Honors English
  • 3 years ago

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