I am applying for college and would like some help/feeback on my application essay?

The Promt it: Choose an issue of importance to you—the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope—and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

This is what i have written so far if you could give me any type of advice i would greatly appreciate it i need to get into this college....

The car slowed down to a stop at the side of the road next to a dingy bridge almost hidden under a pale morning sky. I could vaguely make out the scene of people dance and singing under a prosaic bridge. “Are you coming Katie?” My mother asked in an inquisitive fashion, I cowardly shook my head and waited in the car as my family piled out equipped with arms full of warm food and steaming hot drinks. They meet up with other members of our church and systemically began distributing meals. Through the eyes of an eight year old the scene was terrifying to me, I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. Why were they handing out free food to people who looked as if they had just risen from the Earth and were still encompassed in its soil? Even though I couldn’t understand exactly what was happening I felt ashamed that I wasn’t out there too.

As I grew so did my understanding and I was able to grasp what Church Under the Bridge was and who the “earth” people were, however even to this day I still lack a full understanding of the subject. Who chooses the homeless? Its not a profession that any desire but yet so many fall under its occupation. Are they the victims of circumstances? Or is it the repercussions of faulty decision-making? There is a valid debate for both sides but what I cannot figure out is why is it they and not I? I live under my parent’s umbrella they provide for me food, shelter, and protection, but what have I done to obtain this privileges? Why am I not that person on the street whose struggling just to survive? I have concluded that while I have no control over choosing the homeless, I can help them. I’ve been able to correlate with numerous associations that help the homeless in my community but its still not enough. I feel indebted to these people to help not only them physically but also allow for a better understanding between them and the community.

Last school year a group of three others and me created a documentary on the homeless in hopes that it would help bridge a sense of understanding between two spheres of society. We wanted our friends to realize that the homeless are regular people who have fallen victim to tragedy. The video captured lines of peoples on abandoned streets living in tents made of cardboard, people sleeping on benches, and some people walking as if they had been overtaken by delirium. After showing the film to our peers, what shocked most of them was where the film was shot, in our own downtown. People often associate poverty and starvation with far off countries. We turn a blind eye to our own community and disbelieve that any American could suffer such hardships. We get so caught up in the advancements of our society that we forget about those who live near us that struggle with the most basic of needs.

My passion to help the homeless comes from the fact that they are regular people. Being homeless does not define them. They are brothers, sisters, mothers, and fathers; they still are people. The issue of homelessness is especially relevant these days because of the economic crisis occurring. Countless stories are filling the airwaves and print telling of ordinary people who lost everything in a single day. Families who went from living comfortable are being thrown to the streets and living off nothing more then generosity. Just the other day while I drove home I saw a man in the street holding a cardboard sign. His khaki pants and button down shirt revealed that he had been a businessman but the look on his face showed his desperation as his sign read, “Lost job, need to feed family.” My heart ached for him. He was a man who had no doubt gotten an education, worked hard, but for some reason fate was against him. I wanted to stop but the rush of traffic to make it through the green light swayed me onward. As my car reared forward I felt the same guilt that I had felt eight years ago as a little girl watching her family feed the homeless while she stayed in the car. As I look back upon it I wish I had stopped. I wish I had halted traffic and make people think for a second. It may have been inconvenient but when was doing the right thing convenient? Anybody can do the right thing when it’s easy to do but when its difficult, that reveals character.

2 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Interesting way of putting it. But there are a lot of grammatical errors, not to mention a lack of paragraphing and punctuation.

    For example, you use "systemically", when it appears you mean "systematically", "people dance and singing" should be "dancing and singing", "while I drove home" rather than "as I drove home", etc.

    Be sure and have your English teacher or guidance counselor review your essay before you send it in.

    Good luck!

  • 4 years ago

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