I have mixed feelings. Both my kids' birthmothers were drug addicts. My daughter's tried to raise her for a few months, but wasn't able-eventually her rights were terminated due to leaving the baby neglected and hungry. I have to say, that is kind of hard to take in, because I love my daughter so much that I cannot imagine the depth of an addiction to where you can't/don't care for a defenseless little baby. But in my heart, I feel I know she loved my daughter, as she tried to raise her (though she was unable). I wonder if I should do a search to find her now to see if there is any other info I could get, in case the "trail goes cold" over time, by the time my daughter becomes an adult. My son's birthmother had a similar situtation, although she relinqhished him at birth. In both cases, I like to beleive that these women loved the children they gave birth to, but just that their tragic life circumsances put them in a position where prostitution and drug abuse were no way for a child to be raised.
At the end of the day, I am grateful for these women giving life to my children, as I treasure them and feel they are the greatest gift I will ever recieve. I feel sad for them, as because of their life choices/circumstances, they will not know the daily joy my kids have to offer the world.
I have always been open with my kids and as they get older and have more questions, I will share what I know, as needed. I don't really think telling them their birthmother was a drug abusing prostitute is very helpful, so I will go the route of "had grown up problems" until the time is right to share more.
I feel sad for her. I am grateful to her. I am not threatened by her nor do I feel jealous. I do not feel I am in competition with her for my kids' love. It is bittersweet, because her tragedy has brought me my greatest joy. I did not cause her problems, or any problems my kids may have due to fetal exposure to drugs and possibly alcohol, but I do the best I can every day to help my children to feel uncnditionally loved and to realize their maximum potential.
I think that the many feelings within the adoption triad can be quite complex.
How do you feel?
Adoptive mom and married to an adoptee.