Is this first part of my novel alright so far?
'The day I was raped was the worst day of my life. I spent hours just telling myself that it was my fault. I would stay awake every night, just starring at the ceiling, reliving the moment over and over again. Whenever I tried to not think about the monster who did this to me, I still thought of him, since I kept trying to abort his image from my mind. I wanted his eyes to stop haunting me; those taunting green eyes. Everything felt so wrong, yet at the same time, I felt guilty about something that wasn't my fault. I knew what he was doing to me was something he couldn't help, but why was I so angry at him? Well, because we're only sixteen.
I could tell in his face that he was traumatized by my answer. Raged filled him, and he pushed me to the floor. I was afraid he would hit me, but he did something that in my mind was much worse. I never thought it would happen to me. Even if I did, I thought it would be a stranger, and not someone I loved – or thought I loved.
We didn't speak, and it went by slower than a drum's beat, or the song as you see the beautiful bride in lace walk down the aisle. You gape over how pretty she looks, but as you sink back to reality you know that it's not you, and you wonder how she's feeling with all eyes on her in awe. As for me, I was wondering what he was feeling. Did he even feel guilty? Did he even know what he was doing?
I still look back on that day and ask the same questions. I guess I'll never get over it. Everyday I will be reminded what happened whenever I look down.
When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't believe it. I had to do a double take, and pinch myself to see if I was dreaming. I wasn't, and I couldn't comprehend the way I was feeling. I didn't know if I was shocked, upset, angry or disgusted; maybe all four. My emotions were racing around my head like a rubber band, eventually hitting my heart, causing me to cry.
I never thought my best friend would do such a thing, and I never thought I would have to deal with it.
I finished writing the note and handed it to Dr. Palestine. I placed the pen on the desk and shook out my hands.. I slumped down with embarrassment as she read it to herself. The second I saw the sorrow in her eyes was when I wanted to pull the letter back and cross out everything I had just written. I wanted to change what happened in the past, almost like crossing out the words on the letter could just erase what happened completely. Of course, we don't always get what we want.
She folded the piece of paper and placed it next to her, as she managed to write something down on her clipboard.
“Was that easier than talking about it?” She asked, letting out a sniffle. I nodded, trying to avoid eye contact, hoping I wouldn't make her angry.
“I haven't told anyone besides you,” I stated.
“Well, sometimes we need to keep things bottled up inside until we're ready to tell the ones we love. We have come to a break through, though. Within the last four appointments you have been able to give me a detailed description of what happened and how you feel about others around you. Have you been eating?” She asked, with a concerned look on her face. I sighed.
“I ate an apple yesterday, and a bagel today,” I responded, my mind drifting off to somewhere else. Again, she jotted this down on a piece of paper.
“You have to eat more than that, honey. Do you feel like you can't eat because you're upset, or because of the pregnancy?”
“I don't know,” I replied coldly, giving her a glare. She raised her eyebrows but then continued on.
“It's been a month since the incident. Are you sure you don't want to tell your Mom before you do anything drastic?” She asked. It took me a moment to conjure up an answer. It felt good to talk to someone, being I had no friends anymore, but at the same time I didn't want to talk. I wanted to punch something, or someone. I wanted to cry and I wanted to scream. I wanted to cut the strings off the puppet everyone was making me in to, and live my life the way I wanted to live it.
“It's my life and Conner ruined it. I think I should be the one with the say in what I do with this stupid baby,” I replied with much relief. That was probably the most I've said since he raped me. My parents didn't even notice I wasn't speaking, since I barely saw them anymore, or maybe I just ignored them. It almost felt like I was in my own world, but I had to explore the possibilities before I could find out what to do next.
Once again, she copied this on to her clipboard, and wiped a tear escaping down her cheek.
“Well, I'm sorry, Courtney. I really am. I understand completely what you're going through. I have patients here who have been in your same position. As much as I would love to talk to you all day....unfortunately, our appointment is over, being it's now an hour. You can pay up front. Thank you. I'll see you next week,” She smiled, grabbed a few tissues and then proceeded out the door into the waiting room.
Yeah right, you 'un
nderstand what I'm going through,' I thought to myself.
I laid down on the couch, even as she instructed me to leave. I could hear her greeting the next person, telling them to come in, but I still closed my eyes. I kept trying to pretend what happened never happened. I fell asleep for about two minutes before I was shook awake by Dr. Palestine. She smiled, and brought me to my feet. A dark boy, about four years old, stood before me, looking at me with his huge, brown eyes. It felt like I was asleep for two hours, the most peaceful two hours I'd had in a long time.
Any constructive critisim on the first part of my novel so far? Is this first part of my novel alright so far?
Good luck xoxo.
God bless xoxo.
I appreciate your opinion and everything, but this (thankfully,) was not about myself!
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
I have three main suggestions:
First off, there are many times in this when just 'said' would work fine as a dialogue tag but you use other bookisms like "stated". If you're planning on publishing this work, it's best to keep in mind that a lot of editors get annoyed easily when writers throw in fancy words when 'said' would be just as useful.
Second, check back over your work. Almost every time you have "she asked", the she is improperly capitalized. This is most likely result of ending a bit of dialogue with a period instead of a comma and your writing program automatically fixes it.
Third, and this is my most insistent suggestion, you have to give this therapist thicker skin. She's a therapist, not some friend. It's her job to deal with these kind of incidents and, frankly, if I was talking to a crying therapist, I'd think twice about continuing to see her and definitely considering if it's worth paying her.
The concept itself isn't too bad, if a bit predictable for a new writer, but this is only the beginning and you may have some new twist on these kind of stories that I'm not aware of.
I would seriously considering changing the therapist's character, though.
- viethLv 44 years ago
A warnign of warning: I do not care if you are 12 or one hundred twenty, as I'm nonetheless going to deliver you the equal feedback as I could anybody else. -verb tenses are off ex: sneaked will have to be snuck -slightly at the cliche tale ex: jealous woman, boy meets new woman wit powers, woman with powers. The love triangle type of factor is just a little overdone so continue with warning while writing -misspellings are in every single place the situation -discussion demands a few paintings It's sorta like twilight besides the most important characters genders are reversed. Overall no longer too shabby- you've got acquired lots to paintings with right here.
- 1 decade ago
I think what Jake is saying is that, even though it's not about yourself, it's still one of the stories you make up in your head when you go to sleep at night, isn't it? That's what he meant.
Anyway, I like the concept. It's very intense. The only thing is: it's too rushed and so becomes uninteresting as the story moves along. If you tell us everything about the main character up front, what do we have to look forward to?
- 1 decade ago
I hate to be a drag, but no one except you, your family, friends, and teenage girls are going to care about your rape story. I suggest you find some more penetrating (bad pun) and moving thematic elements, the worst thing about literature is when people who don't know how to write write about themselves.
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- 1 decade ago
I like it. A lot. It has a really good plot.
But you probably shouldn't put anymore of it online because somebody could steal it. Be careful!Source(s): :)