What do you think of this random paragraph of writing?

okay i just want some opions totally hate it or like it or love it? just started putting pen to paper and came up with this.

I slowly sulk into the classroom,; my head down and my arms folded across my chest. I take my seat trying to make myself as small as possible. He enters with a witty comment waiting for my usual response but when I don't say anything I can feel his eyes on me like the sun on dessert sand.

He says my name in question. Still I don't answer, but when the consciousness of his stare becomes too much I lift my eyes hoping to null the feeling. I watch his eyes widen just enough to be noticeable as he takes in my bloodshot eyes and my cheeks streaked with black. My smile usually always present now hides behind iron locks that can not be broken. He stares into my lifeless eyes searching for the girl he knew. I shake my head and go back to stare at the table because I know she is gone and isn't coming back. Life had taken her for a ride and thrown her out of the car leaving her with nothing more than the cuts and bruises.

He doesn't say anymore, but every so often his eyes find me again. The bell sounds not a second to soon. I jump out of my seat throwing my bag over my shoulder and race out the door before anyone even stands from their chair. I make my way to a far corner away from the masses of people. Taking a deep breath I lean back against the faded brick wall and slowly lower myself to the ground.

He isn’t exactly discreet about his approach, but I ignore him all the same. Opening his mouth he struggles for something to say but it closes as he is at a loss of words. Instead I find myself surprised as he wraps an arm around my shoulders squeezing me in reassurance.

I am afraid to scare him off but at the same time I can’t stop the hot tears that burn my eyes until they spill over. My face presses into his shoulder my tears staining his shirt. His other arm encloses me and he sits there, holding me while I sob, not knowing anything but at the same time completely understanding. He’s

Update:

srry the last sentence got cut off its:

He's my best friend.

Update 2:

o and srry bout the paragrahs they got messed up

11 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I love it. Like I really really do. And I'm pretty critical of peoples' writing, so believe that it does mean a lot for me to say I love it this much. :]

    Usually things like this are corny or unoriginal-sounding? But this isn't at all. You created a great mental image with your writing and I really like how when reading it you don't really know what's going on but at the same time it's relate-able and you can feel sympathetic rather than judgmental, and that (unintentionally?) ties-in with the end, where the boy knows nothing but still understands completely. I like it. A lot. :D

    Awesome job.

  • 1 decade ago

    That's super good. You have a stable about of information and left out just enough to keep readers wanting to read more, I really like it. The detail is just at a perfect amount so that the paragraphs aren't flowing with over excessive factors of the story. Its really good, keep going :)

  • 1 decade ago

    Listen. to me. I will give you advice that you need.

    Look up SHOW NOT TELL in google; find some writing articles about it and learn about it. Right off the bat, you were TELLING us what was happening, instead of showing.

    We want to know what was the witty comment he made

    We want to know how she shows her fear instead of hearing her saying 'I am afraid'

    We want to know how she "ignores" him--looks away, etc.

    Um. Desert has one s but that does not matter at all right now.

    Good luck. I am not saying you lack abilities to write. Anyone can be a writer so long as they, heheh, love that nickname-Loves to Write. And are open to suggestions..

  • 1 decade ago

    Awesome, hooks the reader immediately into wanting to know what happened to her...

    10/10

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Wow you did all of this by yourself? Its amazing! I love it! You do such a great job at describing things. I wish I could come up with something like this.

  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    He lol sounds a lot like my character. Eh I rate it an honest B- or C+ I have only rated one peice an A+ before at it had grande description and dialogue.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    That's really good, I wish I could come up with an idea like this!

  • 1 decade ago

    Amazing. I would love to read more of this! :D

  • 1 decade ago

    really good :D

    i kinda really want to know what happened now..xD

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    its really really good, its definetly something i would read!!!!!

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