? asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

Redemption 1st half please read and comment thanks?

Alright this is just the beginning to a story im writing please just comment on this and tell me any suggestions for more dialect, actions, anythings accepted thanks :)

Sherk. Thats what he strictly went by, everyone called him that. He was imfamous for his chrome-plated, black slide, Smith and Weston handgun. There was sketching inscribed in the handle that was put there in the 90's and resembled flames as he was known for his ruthlessness. Everyone in New York knew him, civilian or not, and wanted him dead. He'd done alot of deals that went wrong and for this he was marked. But like all cases theres a way to get out of it. For Sherk, it was money. The leaders of crime in the city wanted four million dollars to ensure his safety and had proposed a way to get this money, but it was dangerous.

East City Trust, guarded heavily by men hardened by war, hate and aggression. They were a class of their own and remained that way since attempted robbery was common but all ended the the same way... a gun being shot and the robber being carried away in a body bag.

But Sherk, he was different. He was organized and prideful, yet he knew how to be dnagerous, but safe, and get the job done. Sherk was a strong man with a few tattoos lining his shoulders, neck and back and had a short hair-cut. He was a man you knew had the ability to do whatever he wanted, as soon as his gaze crossed yours.

6:45 AM June 12th, 2010

"Men, todays the day." Sherk declared. "You've all been assigned top of the line AR-14's. Use 'em wisely they dont come cheap. I'ma give an overview of the plan before we head off. Now Johnson and Riley, you'll both put a distraction at the front of the plaza involving smoke grenades and tear gas. I want four-round bursts at sight of guards and please, please don't miss, I have too much riding on this and have put way too much time and effort into this to have it fail. Next, Scott, Durant and Phillips. I want you three on the building across the street with rifles and I want you to kill anything that could cause this mission to go well... wrong. You understand?"

"Yes, sir!" All three exclaimed simultaneously.

"Now here comes the tricky part" Sherk replied. "Breach and extraction. Were gonna take a direct approach and go in the front. Shoot anything that moves other than tellers and the manager, we need them. Their our only way into the vault, so we need them alive. After we're in jump the counters and grab the tellers. I'll go get Daniel, the manager and get the keys to the vault, where boys, all our troubles will be solved. After we have the money everyone go to the roof where we will be extracted by helicopters. The three across the street will be picked up later. Now does anyone have any question?"

"I do sir" A man called from the back of the room.

"Well, I wont answer you but who are you?" Sherk said back with a hint of sarcasm as his hand found his gun. "I haven't seen you before."

"The names Ferguson. You could say I'm new."

" Alright, fine. You'll stay with me during this. You better keep me alive." Sherk answered.

"Will do" replied Ferguson.

"Alright men, lets go and good luck"

Sherk was insane everyone thought. He was'nt, he was smart. He had grown up in a high crime neighborhood and learned how stuff worked.

His father had scritozfrenia and it had passed down to him, so he was different. As they pulled up the robbery started.

9:15 AM June 12th, 2010

"Everyone down!" yelled Riley as the tear gas went off and spread throughout the lobby spreading its noxious toxins.

"Move left guys and stay in formation" informed Sherk. They saw a guard raise up and right before he fired Sherk heard the crack of the bullet spliting air and then collided with the guard right in the shoulder. "Killshots guys, please get this right" said Sherk as he glared up at the snipers. As three guards turned the corner ready to engage with a clip of bullets Sherk yelled. "Look guys, we've already gotten this far, so just give up"

"We never have and never will" replied the guard.

"Suit yourself" reclaimed Sherk " we'll kill you all then." As he said this he looked to his right only to see Riley get shot in the chest and his limp body drop to the floor. "Guys, Rileys down, we need someone over here now!"

"Don't worry, I'm here" said Ferguson as he pulled up his AR-15 and fired a few rounds into the direction of opposition

2 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    you have a unique style, but it is not a style that i prefer. i also noticed that you had many sentence fragments, which you probably realized but kept there to make it more dramatic. am i correct? i would omit lots of them because they make it difficult to read.

    when you got into the dialogue, you left out lots of punctuation. Ex. We never have and never will," replied the guard. That's how it was supposed to be written, but you left out the comma. '"Suit yourself!" reclaimed Sherk. "We'll kill you all then!" he said as he looked to his right, only to see a bullet shoot through Riley's chest. His limp body flopped to the floor. Those are only the ways I would write it though, but the quotations are supposed to be written that way.

    Good luck!

  • 4 years ago

    This is well, however you've gotten a few improper utilization of commas and beyond irritating and spelling mistakes (i do know i sound like a instructor however im no longer im a young person lol) "it not ever creased to amaze me " difference it to "it not ever ceased to amaze me" "The honking of the taxi's loud damaged down vehicle, jarred me out of my having a pipe dream" take out the comma among vehicle and jarred. there are a couple of extra spelling mistakes, however i consider you'll be able to discover them. Good good fortune! Your tale is heading within the correct course!

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