Trying to force his hand by getting him to give you a definitive yes, it’s on or no, it is over was a mistake. You were wise to back off. Hounding him for an answer is a sure way of driving him further away.
Use this time of separation to examine yourself and to make the changes you need to make.
Your husband is right, it is a long process and he will bounce back and forth, thus the ambivalence. I don’t think he’s trying to confuse you on purpose. He really does not know which way to go at this time. The ambivalence is not necessarily a bad thing although it can be nerve wracking.
Try to remember that while 2 people can be in love, the relationship can be toxic and intolerable.
While he loves you, he does not want to return back to the same old, same old. And neither should you.
While it is tempting to want to be physically intimate I would refrain for awhile. Remember, you were both physically intimate while together and you still ended up separating. It is not going to be the glue that will hold things together or make things all better.
What he is looking for is evidence that not only will things change but that the changes are genuine. The key thing you both need to be working is not the physical intimacy but the trust. It is the trust that needs to be restored so that you are both comfortable in allowing yourselves to be emotionally vulnerable again. Being physically intimate doesn’t make the underlying problems go away, it only masks them temporarily and if anything can add to the confusion. You can still remain affectionate and show your love for each other in other ways.
It is crucial that you are both on the same page as far as wanting to save the marriage. He has to want it as much as you. If he’s not ready to come back home then give him that space. In the meantime I would encourage both of you to resume the marital counselling or at the very least get counselling for yourself so you can develop coping strategies. Obviously, the counsellor was incorrect in thinking you were both ready to get back together again.
It is going to take many months for you both to undo old patterns of behaviour, heal old wounds and make the changes you both need to make. It is better to remain separated than to rush the process. I would try to be very patient with each other. Remember, while you are both separated, you are still very much married. This time apart may be the one thing that will save your marriage. I wish you both well.
· 1 decade ago