promotion image of download ymail app
Promoted

Help! My spouse or my child?

my 16 yr got her phone taken away but b4 she did she sent text to her friends about how she wanted to fight her step dad and how she wish he had died when he got hurt. she is putting family business out in the streets and my husband is a private person. she just came to live with us after she could not get along with my mom and her dad left them alone to much and they argued all the tim. we don't really argue with her except about textn 24 hours a day. And trying to tell her about boys because she started having sex when she lived with her dad. a few years ago I went to jail trying to help her because my mother was beating her and her whole attitude is doesn't care about anything. what do I do? my husband wants me to make her leave but the courts gave me custody and said this was her last stop. I don't know what to do i do not want to give up on my child any advice?

Her step dad is not hurting her and if telling hr right from wrong and taking away her phone for mouthing off or not doing her chores. Then I am guilty as well. SHe has gone from a house of being beat and yelled at to a house with no supervision and she was raising younger siblings and no food to me she has a cell phone computer, cable she goes out occasionally. Her step dad took her shopping when she moved in because her dad provided nothing for her and what she had he wouldn't let her take he taught her to play pool an d tried to give her advice about boys. so what are we doing as so wrong ?

He wants me to send her away. He won't talk to her now or even be in the same room with her. He says i was not apart of her life. I was not there everyday physically but i talked to them everyday and went to all amjor events, holidays ect. and my mother did not make any major decisions without discussing it with me first. So i did help raise her. I just don't understand him any suggestions? Please!

Update:

oh and by the way I did not abandon my children or just give them away. No one knows the circumstances but to just assume I discarded them like they meant nothing is wrong for anyone who thinks that. I love my daughter. I love all 4 of my children for that matter.My spouse says I am more of a friend than a parent. yes I admit I am not the stearnest parent in the world and i don't beat my kids as a form of disipline. YES i yell at my younger kids and my older ones I don't but they came from a house where all they did was yell at them and beat them. They talk to me and tell me things they wouldn't tell their grandmother or their father. I know they don't tell me everything but they feel they can trust me which is a start to rebuilding our relatioship as mother and child.

Update 2:

Let me clarify she has lived with my mother most of her life. She only went to live with her father last year when things got really ruff at my mothers. She has not been bounced around from house to house.

9 Answers

Relevance
  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Ok im so confused.. Your her mom yet, she's lived with your mother, her father, everyone under the sun but you.. she's gone through hell and back because well theres never been any stability in her life.. and You expect her to move in with a woman that abandoned her from day one since she's lived with everyone but you.. and expect her to just be all great and lovely and sweet.. Not going to happen, she feels abandoned, unloved, and unwanted.. and if u kick her out now, you'll lose her forever.. especially over something so stupid.. so what she texted to someone that she wished her step dad was dead.. geeze do u know how many step children wish they could make their step parents disappear ???? thats a seriously retarded reason to kick your child out.. Fine she needs some discipline, no doubt.. and yes you and your husband need to be a united front against your child.. but u cant expect her to change over night when you havent been there much in 16 years and allowed her to be in households that had No structure, no doubt she blames you for just about everything bad in her life cause WHERE HAVE U BEEN??? she needed u .. and u left others to be responsible and now that she's with u , ur ready to toss her out again.. YOUR PATHETIC you created this monster by your crappy choices, yet u dont want to do anything to fix it... U have 2 SHORT years to be responsible for this child, SURELY you can handle 2 years .. You and your husband need to come up with a game plan.. and u need to be a united front, and you both need to realize this girl has alot of resentment and anger in her, and its going to take awhile for her to work through her own mental issues brought on from the situations that have bounced her around so much, she's so use to people tossing her away like trash , every thought shes trying to push u both away cause she's scared of feeling anything for u or your husband so she's going to push you both so far away as a test to see if you'll still love her or if u'll be like everyone else and send her away.. My suggestion.. when she goes to school tomorrow, u and your husband take everything out of her room, except her bed and clothes and books, its time to make a list for her to see of your expectations for her, and the house rules, etc.. and she can earn things back like her cell phone, computer, tv etc.. by doing what she's expected to do, act the way she's expected to act.. re-enforce that your and your husband love her, and she can act up all she wants but your both not going to give up on her.. and her life will go alot smoother and happier if she just gives in and starts doing things the right way instead of attention seeking through bad behavior.. respect is earned not given, she needs to earn respect and trust.. start with a low curfew.. say 8pm on school nights explain to her that as long as she always notifies u of where she is and she's home by 8 that a few times of being on time at 8 you'll push it back to 9 and so on till which ever time u feel comfortable with.. but the moment she doesnt show up on time, then she goes to school and comes home.. if she has a license take it away, if she wants a license, then use it as something to earn, if u do this , this , and this.. then you'll show me that your responsible enough and respectful enough to get behind the wheel and we'll go get your license, if she has one take it away and explain its a luxuary not a necessity and that she can earn her license back when she decides to straighten up her act.. make everything a "possitive reenforcement" because she's already all about the negatives, shes only going to hear negatives and she'll focus on it if u say anything that is negative.. but you and your husand need to be united on this.. or it wont work she'll tear u both apart if she see's she can divide you.. she's wanting structure, stability and love, and although she's trying to fight it.. its because she has learned not to trust in any of it.. so she's wanting u both to prove to her that she's WORTH something because she feels she has zero self worth because in her mind no one wants her cause everyone keeps getting rid of her, or not caring, or hitting her.. TIME TO FIX THE MESS U CAUSED MOM.. stop avoiding and attack the problem head on.. sending her away only avoids, and shes' your daughter u cant keep avoiding her she wont just disappear..

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • Debi
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    I don't know what the circumstances were that prevented you from raising your own daughter. By "raising" I mean in your home with YOU, which is were a child belongs. But you see now what the repercussions are of not giving a child a decent life.

    In two years she'll be an adult and will probably be happy to move out on her own. In the meanwhile, please don't give up on this child again. Teenagers are hard to deal with, but this is your last chance to be a mom to her. To keep her with you and being the best parent you can for the next two years is absolutely the right thing to do.

    I'd suggest family counseling. Somehow your husband has to be made to understand that this girl is not a worthless piece of trash that can be discarded. Hasn't she been discarded enough already? My heart breaks for her.

    Source(s): I'm a good parent. 'Nuff said.
    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • 1 decade ago

    Do you all have a church home? I would try having a counseling session first with you and your husband and then bring your daughter in on it. This may help to learn how she feels. She may blame you for leaving her and now that she's grown and has had a rough life, you want to abandon her again. NO matter what, your her mother, and if she 's having a rough time then you need to help her through, had you had stayed in her life things probably would have been better for her. As harsh as it sounds putting your vote in on a few important decisions during her life doesnt count as being there, and your daughter is at the age now where she knows this. I honestly blame you the parent, for having this child and then dumping her off on your parents.

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • 1 decade ago

    You're doing the right thing by taking away a teens phone for being disobedient and disrespectful. Very Good Move, but she's hurt because she feels neglected and not loved. Most girls around 13-18 give their parents Hell. Continue to show her love, tell her you love her and she's beautiful, and it hurts you to see her act this way. Get her to open up to you so that you can get to the root of this problem. she may be jealous of her step dad. A mother should never have to choose a man over her child.

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • Laura
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    Boy these are tough. Robbery: Question why did they commit the robbery? If it was just for the heck of it. They need to spend their time in jail. Would I visit? Probably. Drugs are a bad bad thing. My son has been there. I stood by him. It becomes a disease and addiction. It's hard to beat once they start using. He has spent time in jail because of it and Mom stuck by him. Rape: There is never a reason for rape. I'd have a hard time with this one. Murder: If they were defending me or themselves I'd probably stick by them. If it was a random murder, I'd have a hard time sticking by them. If it was my child, I probably would visit, but he'd have to pay the price for the crime. Abuse: I've had an abusive husband. It took a while for me to get away from him. But I did it!!!! This is not an easy thing to do. I've never had a child hit me. Thank Goodness. Cheating: It's not right, but I could forgive them. It would take a while to trust them again, if ever.

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • 1 decade ago

    Hang in there, Mother, for two more years. The step dad clearly does not want to be an active parent, but HE has to grin and bear it while YOU are.

    You could "agree" with him and continue doing what you're doing. Defer, delay, do nothing, wait. Before you know it she will be an adult.

    Have your daughter get those temporary phones from the drug store as she pays for them with her own money.

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • 1 decade ago

    Your child sounds like she's hurting inside. Don't give up on her. She needs her mother more than anything right now. You need to sit down with your spouse and tell him that you are not willing to abandon your child. It's going to be rough, I'm guessing. But, you are all she has. Maybe some counseling is needed? She needs to know that regaurdless of what she does, you are her mom and you love her. Tell her that! Children need unconditional love. All children need to know they are "wanted."

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Your child is not a dog you drop off at the pound for bad behavior!

    Don't choose between them, let each know both are important. Understand your husband's feelings but you should be the parent who disciplines her, not him since he is not her real father and she will naturally resent him.

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • SarAnn
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Seriously? You brought that child into this world, she is your responsibility. I don't see much more to think about, and I think that her issues are stemming from violence, lack of discipline, and the fact that nobody seems to want/love her.

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.