first line. "looks to be"... i would say... seems to be. or IS A PERFECT FIT. be positive and make it sound like there's no second guess. this program is the ONLY one for you. etc. THIS PROGRAM IS A PERFECT FIT!
i chose to study engineering....etc etc..... where i know that i will be challenged. Put a period after it. take out "and" And leave it as "The broad scope of mechanical engineering curriculum means that I can pursue a range of career paths; from highly tehnical design work analyzing thermal systems, to overseeing the construction of a bridge.
That way it's not such a run-on.
you can change very ambitious to "extremely" ambitious. The sentence...End of the 2nd paragraph, you say "the ability to lead in tandem"...etc... I'd change it to "MY ability to lead...and willingness to learn..." That is really talking about you. So, instead of "the" say "My:
You use ambitious twice. The definition of ambitious is:
Full of, characterized by, or motivated by ambition.
2. Greatly desirous; eager: "I am not ambitious of ridicule" (Edmund Burke).
3. Requiring or showing much effort; challenging: an ambitious schedule.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2009. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company.
1. having a strong desire for success
2. requiring great effort or ability: ambitious
So, YOU can be ambitious.... (determined, motivated, etc) but projects being described as ambitious typically mean CHALLENGING. so instead of using ambitious twice,, substitute it by saying something like " I would be honored to bring my positive attitude (energy is the same so you could add "optimistic outlook" etc in replace of just "energy") and determination to the most CHALLENGING of Navy projects.
Delete "I hope that I have been able to make clear my motivation for my commitment to this program" They say not to wrap up speeches/essays like that. it's kind of dull, like saying "IN CONCLUSION"... Instead say.I will be commited to this program one hundred percent and I look forward to the opportunity to serve and lead my country as a Naval Officer. or you don't have to,,, just think of something instead of really putting an obvious wrapping-up statement in there.
I am honored to be given the chance to bring my positive attitude, optimistic outlook and determination to the most challending of Navy projects. The Naval CEC Officer program will give me the advanced training to accomplish any tasks I am faced with. I am highly motivated and I will be commited to this program 100%. I look forward to the opportunity to serve and lead my country as a Naval officer.
I notice that the Naval CEC Officer program is a program for those who are pursuing engineering degrees and will be commited to joining the Navy??
You could say that you have always been a motivated student who has been eager to learn, and this program gives you the opportunity to finish the degree up and work with the elite......the Navy... etcc...etc.
Again, back to the second paragraph.
I chose to study engineering because it is a rigorous curriculum path which requires intense studying. I am motivated when i am faced with challenges. My determination and ability to stay focused will allow me to succeed and pursue a range of career paths; from analyzing thermal systems to the everyday job of bridge construction. I have recently worked on an arduous project which produced commercial satellites. This project was led by experienced engineers. I was very enthusiastic and motivated during this project. I overcame the challenge of guiding new team members to their place.My natural ability to lead in tandem with the willingness to learn from those who are more experienced is something that will prove vital to my role as an officer.
The Naval CEC Program will allow me to continue my education in a career field that I love, and in return, will gain a valuable officer who will stay dedicated and focused. I look forward to being a Navy Engineering Officer until retirement......and this program will give me the opportunity to make my dream come alive.
be over the top!! throw in lots of adjectives, and adverbs
you are intelligent, motivated, determined, knowledgeable, dedicated,
WAIT A MINUTE! JUST REALIZED THIS IS A MOTIVATIONAL STATEMENT. you don't need to be selling yourself as much..... mostly,, what motivates you. what has inspired you.
you are intelligent. have you had financial issues? this career will help me financially and give me the means to start my life out positively. The income and the benefits of being in the Navy are wonderful.
I have always aspired to be in the military since I was younger. This program giv
· 10 years ago