US Navy CEC motivational statement. Would like some feedback.?

I'm applying to the US Navy Civil Engineer Corps to become an officer: I strongly believe that as I decide where to take my first step in my career as an engineer, the Naval CEC Officer program looks to be a perfect fit. I know that by joining, I will be in the company of highly motivated, highly skilled... show more I'm applying to the US Navy Civil Engineer Corps to become an officer:

I strongly believe that as I decide where to take my first step in my career as an engineer, the Naval CEC Officer program looks to be a perfect fit. I know that by joining, I will be in the company of highly motivated, highly skilled individuals, creating the kind of community in which I can thrive. In this position I have the opportunity to gain unparalleled management and professional engineering experience that will prove more than useful as I advance my career. Engineering is an admirable career choice, add to that the respect and reverence that comes with being a Naval Officer, and you’re looking at a symbol of both patriotism and progress.

I chose to study engineering for the opportunity to enter a rigorous curriculum where I know that I will be challenged, and the broad scope of the mechanical engineering curriculum means that I can pursue a range of career paths, from highly technical design work analyzing thermal systems, to overseeing the construction of a bridge. My most recent working experience was with a very ambitious project to produce a commercial satellite led by experienced engineers and enthusiastic students. This involved the challenge of guiding new team members to their place in the project while also having to humbly seek superiors for my own guidance. The ability to lead in tandem with the willingness to learn from sources of experience is a combination that will prove vital to my role as an officer.

I would be honored to bring my positive attitude, energy, and determination to the most ambitious of Navy projects, knowing that I will have the advanced training and camaraderie necessary to accomplish the task. I hope that I have been able to make clear my motivation for my commitment to this program, and I look forward to the opportunity to serve and lead as a Naval Officer.

So what do you think? Personally, I'm afraid I don't talk enough about what I can do for the them. I'm putting it out there because I just don't think it's quite good enough, but I want some specifics. Go ahead and be as brutal as you like, I can take it!
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