Does anyone like the start of my story?
"Now class." What a boring way to start a class period."We have a new student. She's a bit shy. But please welcome Brianna Larson." To tell you the truth, no one in the class was paying attention.
My name is Stefany Castro. I attend Harvard Prep. Harvard is the biggest law school that I know of. But, my school isn't college. I'm in eleventh grade. My high school is just a school for kids that either want to go to Harvard or have phenominal grade point averages.
"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. I believe we have a new student. No need to be rude and disrespectful." The thing about Ms.Springstien. is that we all love her. But she can be a bit uptight.
"So, Stef. Wanna catch a movie Friday night?" As usual the one guy in your Criminal Law class that takes the liberty to ask every girl out on a date as a joke just has to ask you. Really? Wow. Just wow."Um. No thank Josh." I actually put some effort into whispering. "Miss Castro and Mr.Reinolds!" But apparently the so-called effort wasn't good enough. "Yes Ms.Springstein?" Both Josh and I said in unison. Him shaking his right leg up and down as if he were playing "horsie" with a baby. And me.. having a spazz attack like my usual self. By spazz attack I don't mean on the floor having a seizure. I'm just sitting in my chair holding the hyperventalation stuck in the middle of my throat. All though it's going to pour out any second now.
I know about the spelling. I was typing this out really quickly and forgot to use spell check.
- ?Lv 51 decade agoFavorite Answer
To be brutally honest, the whole thing was a little clumsily written. "But, my school isn't college." Don't start sentences with "but." A better way to write that and the previous sentence would be to combine the two. "But" is a rather clumsy way to infer a pause. Rather than end the sentence early and create a fragment, keep them both together but separate the two with an ellipsis (...). Remember that people are always referred to as "who," not "that."
Why is Stefany hyperventilating over something minor? Is she a really nervous person or what? Her narration seems very redundant, but that may be just me.
The very first line should be at least somewhat exciting or unusual in a story. If you think it's dull, they're going to think the whole story's story's dull. To be honest, the only reason I kept reading was because you asked for feedback. If it was just any old book I would've put it down. You need to find what exactly makes your story different from every other school story and start incorporating those details right off the bat to get the reader hooked. Why should we read more? Why should we even care about what you've written? Always keep these questions in mind.
As an intro, this one is alright, but it could be better. Keep practicing :)
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I kinda like the attitude. But in the first sentence you didn't say who's speaking, and you never start a piece of writing with dialogue. And what exactly is she doing with her leg? I don't get that part. Other than that it's pretty good though :)
- Closed AccountLv 61 decade ago
The last few sentences are kind of awkward. He's doing what with his leg? And she's holding in hyperventilation? (check the spelling, please). Try to describe it better so the reader isn't confused.
However, I do like your style. I can actually believe that an 11th grader is narrating.