teeg asked in Pregnancy & ParentingAdoption · 1 decade ago

Do mothers who give away their babies for adoption...?

ever feel guilty for the possible life of neglect, abuse and abandonment they surrendered their child to? Are there any situations in which a woman really has no choice but to give away her baby? Isn't it just selfishness, putting her own needs/lifestyle first?

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Yes. We do feel terrible guilt. A lifetime of it. I would not wish this pain on anyone.

    I surrendered my child for adoption, a child conceived in rape. It was the biggest mistake I ever made. I was in a very traumatic situation.

    When I was in labor, I called the agency, told them I could not do adoption, to stay away from me. They sent an attorney to the hospital who was at my bedside screaming at me. I was heavily medicated, and I was very shaken from the difficult birth, this was LESS than 24 hours after I gave birth.

    The attorney told me that I was not the mother, there was already a mother that had a nursery all fixed up and I would devastate her. I still said no. He then told me because I "considered" adoption that I was deemed an unfit parent by the courts, and my baby would be a ward of the state and go to foster care and that they would fight me tooth and nail and I would never see my baby again.

    I was told I would have to come up with tens of thousands to pay the agency, the adoptive parents, and foster care back. I was called a slu*, promiscuous, and told I should've kept my legs closed. I was bullied until I signed the papers. He promised, if I signed the papers, I would at least get to see my baby through open adoption. Another bold face lie. Open adoption is a lure they use to get women to sign, and it rarely is honored by the adoptive parents and is NOT enforceable in a court of law.

    I signed the papers in a hysterical emotional mess. I don't call this "selfishness" on my part, I call this buckling in because of extreme pressure and unethical behavior on the part of the adoption professionals. These people EXPLOIT women in horrendous situations and make a PROFIT from it. And it works.

    I am not by any means the minority. This happens every single day in newborn adoption. Young women are bullied out of their children by an industry that sells the children for profit. People should be up in arms at this exploitation and violation of the human rights of mother and child. Instead, they call us selfish, and they call adoptees ungrateful for being ripped from the arms of their mother.

    When is it EVER ok to put a price tag on a human being? Agencies are merely traffickers of tiny little babies. They make BIG BIG money on the sale of babies....and young mothers are disposed of like trash once they get the goods. What agencies do is criminal.

    btw, the "better" home that the agency chose for my baby, was an alcoholic home where my daughter became their human punching bag. She was abused her entire life, and would've fared much better with me. So, all of this heartbreak was for nothing but $$$.

    Young girls are DUPED and bullied out of their babies with very unethical practices every single day. Newborn adoption needs to end.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    even though i have gone through with having a baby, i understand that not every woman wants to have children and wants to put children first. some women do not want to be mothers. they can choose to do what they wish.

    people argue against abortion and they argue against adoption, what option does that give a woman facing an unwanted pregnancy that doesn't involve some stigma?

    imagine if contraception failed or a woman was raped, or was told that her or her partner were infertile and she conceived? and she didn't want the pregnancy or the baby? what if she doesn't want an abortion?

    giving a baby up for adoption means giving up your whole status as a legal guardian, that would mean that the birth mother was not responsible for the child or what happens to her/him as soon as the papers are signed. it would be the adoptive parents at fault if they were abusive and cruel. and many times in this situation the child would be no better of with his or her birth mother if she didn't want to be a mother.

    the birth mother is not always the best parent. some women fail to ever bond with or love their children. some women have mental health issues that can't be resolved or issues with drink or addiction that would hinder their responsibility to parent.

    chosen adoption is about the child and the mother's needs.

    i have spoken for women who choose adoption as a choice, not the ones who are forced or feel forced for whatever reason, which is a completely different matter and the women who want their children and can look after them should not have them taken away. it is not their fault in such situations as they are often powerless.

    it's not just adoption agencies but also social services that sometimes get involved for unessecary reasons. parents have no choice at all then and can do nothing if social services decide to place the baby into foster care.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Yes, Giveing up a child is a hard thing to do, and the mother cant control what happens after the child is gone, but it is NOT selfish. you give up the child hoping it will live a better life then you could give it.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I was forced to surrender so I don't feel selfish in the least. I wanted to raise my son but that choice was taken from me. I do feel guilty about it though, every single day. I 'what if' the situation to death. What if I had gotten a lawyer? What if I hadn't been so trusting? What if I had never decided to get help for my anorexia? What if, what if, what if.

    I do worry about how he is doing and what his life is like. My only consolation is that I truly believe his APs are good people and I pray that in three years, when I can search, I find out my beliefs were true.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Do you actually realize how offensive, ill informed and judgemental your question is? You are also making a huge assumption of all mothers who surrendered. Not all chose/choose adoption they are plenty of us who wre actually bullied and lied into surrendering *Shock! Horror*

    "Do mothers who give away their babies for adoption...?"

    I didn't give my baby away, he was taken from me.

    "ever feel guilty for the possible life of neglect, abuse and abandonment they surrendered their child to?"

    I feared this for over 23 years until reunion happend.

    "Are there any situations in which a woman really has no choice but to give away her baby?"

    Mothers don't give their babies away they either make that decision to try and give their child a better way of life or are coerced into surrendering. I wanted to parent, I was capable of parenting, I could afford to raise my son, I was working. However if my parents had known early enough I would have been forced to abort and yes they made that quite clear. As that wasn't possible they arranged everything, I had no support, wasn't told my rights, didn't see the paperwork and it's questionable whether I signed anything. When the bullying didn't work I was lied to by them and the adoption agency as this was the only way they could push the adoption through. I found out years later what happened is a forced adoption which is illegal.

    "Isn't it just selfishness, putting her own needs/lifestyle first?"

    This is so judgemental it makes me feel physically sick as I wanted to parent so therefore I was putting my son's needs first but he was still adopted. My parents were the selfish ones not me.

    Why don't you take your nasty judgemental attitude away from here and actually do a bit of research.

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  • Linny
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Sure they do. But, they also feel guilty if the child had excellent adoptive parents, too. Being adopted is not an easy task, and our gain of a new family comes with tremendous losses. Those losses can manifest themselves in many negative ways. Every major medical publication has studies that prove this.

    Most women from my era (Im 43) really had no choice BUT to surrender, and many were coerced into doing so. I will never think of my f Mom as being selfish. She did what she felt she had no other choice to do.

    As far as the abuse/neglect comment, child abuse goes across the board. Adoptive parents, just like bio parents, can abuse their kids, too.

    Source(s): reality
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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    people who dont agree on abortion (like myself) yet cant take care of the unborn baby opt for adoption. there is NOTHING wrong with adoption. the parent is actually doing a favor to the child by giving it a good life that they couldnt provide. and there are many good reasons why they give the baby up for adoption so i suggest you do more research hun.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Unbelievable.

    Wake up, we're in 2009 now. Do some research before you come on here with your pathetic and baseless judgements

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  • kitta
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    During the "baby scoop era" pregnant women, usually underage, were warehoused and forced to surrender children to adoption.

    Many were drugged, threatened, and forced to sign documents they didn't even understand. Others never signed anything at all. Their parents made all of the arrangements.

    In most cases their parents had set up guardianships over them before their children were born, so they had no control over their own fate, nor their children's.

    Corrupt adoption agencies placed children with couples whose only qualifications were ''marriage" and "employment." These often did not last.

    Mothers didn't want to surrender their children and had no idea who was getting their babies. They were not allowed to know.

    Many have found their children. ...and re-united with them...in spite of secrecy laws which sealed records.

    Today, adoption is marketed to mothers as a way to see their child grow up in an open adoption..without pain..but that isn't true. .

    Timeframes are shortened and pressure is heavy to get a mother to sign a surrender. She will probably be told that her child may be damaged if she tries to raise him or her. She will likely be told that she will harm the 'nice couple" who is waiting to take her baby home...if she changes her mind and keeps her baby.

    The reality of adoption is much different than the hype. But, of course, no one can predict anyone's life. Some adoptive couples will be abusive. They are no different than any other population.

    ETA: I needed to raise my child and begged to be allowed to do so. That was the lifestyle I wanted. ..and I was fighting for both of us to stay together. I believed that the adoption, for my child and for myself, was wrong.

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  • 1 decade ago

    My first mother was young and probably naive to the tactics used by the agency I was placed with. I'm sure that the personal issues I've heard about that she suffered during my pregnancy made things worse for her.

    I did suffer abuses at the hands of my a-mom, and I have a lot of worry about how to address it with my first mother if I were to ever be able to speak with her. I was told she put me up for adoption because she was young and poor, but I would have rather dealt with having little money than what I ended up going through. Was her decision selfish? I don't know her exact reasoning, and I'm not going to until I speak with her myself.

    I cannot condemn her for giving me up because I haven't found out the whole story, only what my a-mom told me. I don't know if I can even trust that. I may never find out, who knows?

    Source(s): Adoptee, mother of 5
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