Why would someone think that Adoption erases a child's identity and replaces it with a fake one?

There is nothing fake about me and my very real family or my very real adoptive son, or the very real love and support me husband and me gives to all of our children. So why then would someone say that adoption erases a child's identity and replaces it with a fake one?

Update:

People seem to do whatever they can to bash or talk down about adoptive parents on this forum.

21 Answers

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  • 小黃
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Because I am legally known as **** *** (Canadian name) and to everyone else, it seems I was "created" when I was brought off that plane back in March of 1987.

    In fact, people have told me my life here is all that matters because of my adoptive family.

    Do I have a good family? Absolutely. But did my life start here? NO.

    No one is saying your love isn't real. No one is saying the love and support from your family isn't real. But the birth of a child IS real and to deny that on a BIRTH certificate... erases and replaces it with a lie.

    My adoptive parents love me more than anything else in the world. That does not change that I was born to a Taiwanese mother and father in the summer of 1987. It does not mean my adoptive parents' love is any less. It just means I was not created as an adoptee - that I had a history which is NOT legally recognized.

    ETA:

    "Only selfish people who want a child to fufill some sick fantasy of living their dreams through a "mini me" would say otherwise."

    Actually... that still happens.

    ETA: True, we all change throughout life. Various events shape us and influence our perspectives on how we see the world.

    However, I was not born to be a Canadian citizen. I was born to be a Taiwanese citizen living with my Taiwanese parents IN Taiwan. Tragic circumstances forced that to change. But it wasn't what I was BORN to be. My identity is a combination of both, even though the Canadian one is legally recognized foremost and is of "most" importance, while the Taiwanese one is brushed off to the side.

    The funny thing? If I had grown up with my original mother, NO ONE WOULD HAVE QUESTIONED IT.

    People are not meant to be born just to separated or abandoned or abused or neglected JUST so adoption can occur. That's not how the world works.

    ETA:

    Lashenova, I hate you to call you on the spot, but it seems you haven't left your PM on so I could actually contact you and discuss your response.

    To be frank, it is insulting. It is insulting to read that so many people still think the worst of birthparents. It is insulting to read that because of the label "adoption" that all birthmothers would have beaten/neglected their children or that somehow, they did not love their children simply because they "gave them up."

    That is black and white thinking - that you assume a mother did not want to raise her child on account of hearing that the child is adopted. That is actually quite unfair, and again, assumes the worst of the person who relinquished.

    What if the birthmother wanted to raise the child? What if she simply lacked the resources, or access TO any of the available resources? What if she didn't know ABOUT the resources available? Is that fair?

    Or is this where the attitude "too bad, so sad, sux to be you" comes in?

    Now THAT I find sad.

    Source(s): Talking with an adoption agency via e-mail, observing my own adoption file, talking with various adoptive parents.
  • 1 decade ago

    I like to think that both identities make up the whole of who my kids are. Adoptive and genetic. Neither are fake and very real.

    We know we're real,(Aparents) the thing is so is the first family too. I'm talking about if they're good people or not, thats not the point of it all. I'm married and I changed my surname to my husbands, but I still recognise my family of origin and the name that remains on my birth certificate. Its still part of who I am. The difference is no one sealed all my records once I was married because we formed another family together.

    The adoptions especially were done in the past, mainly out of ignorance was that sealed records meant you would never know anything. For some people that hurt badly, left a hollow space, a void. Not all people feel like that, but we have to consider those who do.

    Victoria, just be confident as a mother, and don't feel threatened by the knowledge of you kids information or their need to know it. Work to be open to why things have changed in countries other than your own. (You might not, just trying not to assume.)

    Thats one of the mistakes adoptive parents in the past made and paid for it. I know a few who ended up losing out because of those fears and pressure on their kids who felt guilty for wanting to know anything about birth families. I have a close friend who's an adoptive mother who is very insecure about things like this. We talk about it, she's working through it and trying not to let her son see how she's feeling about it so he doesn't feel pressure or guilt if he choses to search. He's a teenager now. (I don't judge her because of it, she's human after all, I feel her fears are groundless, but she's the one who has to see that. and she feels how she feels, and I won't belittle her for it because I'm open to more things than she is.)

    Its a valid question, at least you asked it.

    All the best!

    Source(s): adoptive mum
  • 1 decade ago

    This forum does become very negative about adoption. Why I think that is because when someone actually has a good experience, they don't feel that they have to share or talk about it so much. I have wanted to leave this forum many times because of the negative comments I have received, but then I realized that this forum needs some people standing up for adoption, and the good that it CAN bring. I was adopted as an infant, and I have never felt that I have an identity that has been replaced or erased. My identity is not placed in who I was born too. That does not mean that I don't love and respect my birth mother. I do very much. I have 2 adopted as well, and if I went through a bad childhood, because of my adoption, I would never have adopted. I am very sorry to hear that some people truly feel that they have lost their identity. But that doesn't happen in every family. It did not happen in mine. My parents are real, they raised me and loved me. I think a lot of positive people have left this forum because they got tired of hearing that we are living in denial if we are well adjusted. I am staying because I am so sure that positive is needed.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    All four of my parents are real. My relationship with my adoptive parents is a real parents and child relationship.

    What's fake is my birth certificate. My original identity as the child of the people who contributed my genetic material was erased, and I was issued a document that says a sterile man and a woman who's never given birth contributed my genetic material. It's a fake and a lie.

    It also contributed to my confusion about being adopted as a kid, because if my origins are nothing to be ashamed of, why were they sealed away?

    That's not bashing. That's reality.

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  • Lori A
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    One very real reason is that your medical history, things that run through your ancestry and your husbands ancestry have no real bearing on what your child faces as he grows up.

    I don't recall anyone ever saying that adoptive parents are incapable of love. Some are better at it than others, just like non adoptive parents.

    Think beyond your child's age level. One day he's going to start having medical situations that you nor your husbands genetics can explain. Some people say its just as easy to run thousands of tests with today's modern technology, but the truth is, not all insurance companies are excited about or willing to spring for all those tests, then there are those who have no insurance, how do they pay for all those tests? And what about the pain a person is in while they run all those tests?

    To any non adoptee, it's a simple common courtesy, taken for granted, that hereditary medical info will be available to you when you need it, all you have to do is ask.

    Ethnicity is a nice thing to know too. I know what ethnicity I am by talking to my mother and father. I know someone who thought she was part jewish because of her features. She recently found out she is part hispanic. Its a common courtesy, that explains some things, about them as individuals.

    The only adoptive parents who get bashed are those who are unwilling to listen to any other view point but their own. Who cling fast to what their adoption agency told them about adoptee's being blank slates, and surrendering mothers being substandard. I'm not substandard in any way, in fact I feel I am superior to "some" in the fact that I have lived a life of pain and survived, I have done something that they admittedly could not do.

    No one is calling you a fake. No one is calling your love fake. Some say there is a difference in the love between adopted and non adopted children, maybe there was in their home. I wouldn't know, I have no adopted children. I can only relate to what I know. But I would never deny anyone their feelings on a subject or situation I know nothing about and can't relate to.

    Besides can you not see the bashing that goes on in here toward surrendering mothers, happy adoptee's or angry bitter adoptee's? Everyone gets it, not just adoptive parents.

  • 1 decade ago

    I would never think that--regardless of what I read here. I know many adoptive families in the area around here and none of them done that happy reunion thing---although my daughter did try and at its best was very difficult for her as she has told us. She is very real and she is her own person and always will be.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Most people probably think that because it is true. You know, me saying that I feel my identity was erased and that my new one is fake has nothing to do with you, your family, or your adoptive son or your love. It's my own personal experience. No one is bashing you, they are trying to state their own personal experiences.

    Also, the fact that I feel that I lost my identity doesn't mean I don't love my parents or in fact have a very real relationship with them.

    Does feeling sad that one set of grandparents died mean that you don't love the other? No. It doesn't.

    Source(s): Surprisingly self actualized adult adoptee
  • 1 decade ago

    Embrace both families...I support you. Love both families I support you. Open records, I support you and will fight the valiant fight.

    The people who want to live their whole lives as defined by a moment in time and on TOP of that go around telling other people how they should also embrace their lives were lies...that is just not logical. Fine...go back and change time...I am sure your lives would be much better and telling the rest of the world that your life as lived BY YOU is lie than go right ahead.

    That is more of a reflection of a life less lived and you not honoring your life, the people in your heritage whether you know what or who it is or not, or all of the people who love you than having an adopters steal who you are.

    Well....most of these answers are semantics. Honestly...if I hear the same crowd of people say that their entire lives were defined by their birth...and as adoptive parents we stole their lives from them etc...

  • 1 decade ago

    It has to do with the sealing of the original birth certificate and the creation of the amended birth certificate. That official document reads that you and your husband are the biological parents of your adoptive son. That simply isn't the truth.

    Your love is real. Your family is real. You are "real" parents too.

    But that document is incorrect.

  • Anha S
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    um because it's true? And it has nada to do with your love for your kid. Adoption is a legalized lie in which an adoptee's original information is sealed away and they are given a new one. For which a birth certificate is issued stating the adoptive parents as the natural ones.

    My amom was infertile. Dunno how she managed to conceive and birth me. And heck, for my brother, she didn't even have a uterus, is he a medical miracle? Our identities were erased. they were replaced with fake ones. It's just truth. Its not bashing or talking down, it's really just the honest truth.

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