Please critique this small sample from my novel?

This is a very small sample from the novel I am working on, and I would love it if you could critique it and give me any advice or opinion! Thanks in advance :D

Lysander swallowed to moisten his suddenly parched throat and managed to croak out a few words, “ are the Sun god, Apollo.”

Apollo laughed pleasantly, spreading warmth throughout Lysander’s body, as if for his entire life he had lived in a dark, icy land and the god’s laugh was delivering light to the barren places of his soul.

Lysander watched Apollo as he repositioned his lyre so that it rested against his chest. The god smiled at the young mortal before he began to stroke his lyre gently, his fingers caressing the tight strings in a way similar to the way a lover would caress his partner.

All beings-mortal and immortal alike- were still as Apollo shared his love for music with them. He plucked the strings faster and Lysander’s heart beat quickened to match the new tempo. A soft hum came from Apollo’s throat as he played and the music slowed, softened and became comforting. Lysander’s body began to relax as the gentle sound wrapped around his body like ribbons of silk, bandaging his wounds and stealing away the pain.

The ribbons continued to encircle his body, relaxing the torn muscles and encouraging him to rest. It was as his eyes became too heavy and sleep overcame him that the sun god stopped humming.

5 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Very good! I love how your showing and not telling even though you are using long paragraphs without dialogue. Keep up the good work. I normally don't read this genre but it seems like you have something here. Good luck.

    Answer mine if you get the chance please.;_ylt=Am4s3...

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Excellent. I'm quite intrigued. Let me know if you ever publish it.

    Your writing is quite good, especially for someone posting on this site (most of the 'read my story??' questions are shitty).

    The descriptions are nice and flow easily. You get a clear image in your head. I'm interested in who Lysander is and what his mission is.

    Greek mythology has always interested me. I'm a fan of the gods and goddesses. Anyways, great job. I didn't notice any spelling or grammatical errors...but then again I wasn't really looking.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    That is really good! I would suggest that Apollo should continue playing even after Lysander falls asleep. Soon after Lysander falls asleep, Hades (or some other villain) should attack Apollo. Apollo stops playing and Lysander immediately awakens and watches as Apollo fights Hades. Or perhaps some minor evil fanatic should enter and yell threats at Apollo. Apollo stops playing. As soon as the music stops, Lysander awakens and kills the evil fanatic. Because he commits murder, Lysander is banished from his village, and the dead guys' relatives want to kill Lysander.

  • 1 decade ago

    I think its very good, the descriptions are awesome and its an interesting story as far as i can tell, it makes me want to read more =)

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  • 1 decade ago

    i find it non exciting. Nothing really happens. Too much description and not engough action. I like the second paragragh. Kepp it up! :)

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