Lv 7
Randy asked in Pregnancy & ParentingAdoption · 1 decade ago

Adoptive parents? Do you ever wish?

Do you ever wish that you were the cold, greedy person that society defines you as? Wouldn't this life be easier if we really didn't "steal" our babies like most people claim? If we really were all the rotten selfish and self serving that people say we are, wouldn't we be long over this stigma of adoption?

Just wondering if adoptive parents ever feel like it might be easier to be the greedy baby stealers that society says we are?

Others feel free to add your thoughts.


(Hmmm, I guess the same question works the other way too)

Update 2:

Live in my world Jennifer. I wear a hat as an adoptee, a hat as an adoptive parent of an internationally adopted child, a hat as an adoptive parent of a child from foster care (and an infant to boot) and a hat as a natural parent.

If I had some here and only said I adopted from foster care, I would have been a saint until they found out I adopted internationally. If I had just said I was an adoptee, I would have been pitied until they found out I was part of the evil empire of adoptive parents.

Update 3:

Kateiskate, should I take the two minutes to scan the old questions here and come up with the examples of where adoptive parents are refered to as "baby stealers" an "selfish" people only looking for ways to trick birth mothers (bio mothers, first mothers, prime mothers....pick one) out of their children? Yes, we also get viewed the other way too just as often in society but my point was that by changing a few words in the original question it can be applied to which ever side of the issue the writer wanted to apply it to.

Update 4:

I'm glad you get it Pip. The three people who have emailed me privately to give me a piece of their mind didn't get it. Then again, they didn't care to answer publicly either.

Update 5:

Nope Isabel, I don't expect anyone at all to feel sorry for me since I don't have anything for anyone to feel sorry about. My comment was in regards to the conflicting receptions someone like me would get depending upon which perspective we were speaking from. That was all. If you chose to read something else into it thats understandable. It happens a lot around here. (And I certainly didn't say YOU made any comments to me directly. Again, that wasn't my point).

Update 6:

Not to worry Sly, the last thing I have either here or elsewhere are issues. its comments like yours and a few others that have made my point perfectly. Thanks for helping me out.

15 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    Most people who answered negatively answered your question and confirmed your point lol.

    We are accused on this board of all sorts of ills for no other reason than we adopted a child. I had described a reunion where we all decided to have everyone over for pizza and I was accused of being condescending and owing her more than pizza--which wasn't the point but oh well. For someone who says they are "surpisingly self actualized adoptee" they need to come to terms with some things and being mad at me isn't going to cure their mental ills.

    I was emailed privately saying that it wasn't my place to tell my daughter anything about her biological mother and that the only one who could ever do that was her biological mother. While in a general sense I agree--I have the responsibility given to me by her mother to help explain this all to her at the right times. I have all of the documentation that I could get and was told NOT to give it to my daughter as it might cast her in a bad light. Isn't that also called withholding the truth? It is lovely for folks to cast stones at glass houses when it suits them. We never claimed saint hood, nor were we the crazy infertiles, not rich, and we didn't have a sexually promiscuous past that I was accused of that someone said I must have had in my assumed infertility.

    In your case I guess they've got you coming and going now don't they? Adopted, biological, adoptive through several means and several geographies...you must really upset them now don't you? They can't stick you in their little narrow boxes of what's acceptable in adoptive parents or adoptees...For people who say they are always judged, they sure seem to be very judgemental.

  • 1 decade ago

    I 'get' the point you're making from real life and the internet.

    There are decent adoptive parents and there are the not so nice ones.

    In real life I do know some really nice aparents who adopted for good reasons. They have been honest with their children about being adopted plus been as honest as possible (if at all) over why their child was adopted. These parents don't say anything bad about their childrens' natural parents. There are a few others who haven't told their children they are adopted nor do they ever intend to. They also generally have a low opinion of their childrens' natural parents.

    Online I have generally found that the nice adoptive parents are like the ones I know IRL. They put their childrens' feelings first before themselves as well. The minority of ones I don't like online come across as they want a child ASAP no matter what, have a low opinion of natural parents and come across as superior.

    So on the whole I don't have a problem with adoptive parents even when I disagree with them. It's just some that irritate the life out of me with their attitude.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I don't know that 'society' thinks of you as such, but I do realise that there're many on here who say that they see you (adopters generic, not necessarily you specific) as such.

    Fwiw, while I'm anti-adoption, I'm not anti-adopting parents - not least 'cause I love my own tremendously, and have great respect for those that do it taking both pros and cons into account first, as they're much more likely to be doing it to help a kid out, rather than to make themselves looks like heroes or some such.

  • 1 decade ago

    why copy a question another user has posted. it appears as though you are baiting. anyway, i don't believe that all adoptive parents are evil baby stealers. mine weren't. however some of the adoptive parents that post on here can be down right nasty to adoptees on here. and yes i know it goes both ways. however some of these adoptive parents that post the nasty sayings, make me very thankful mine are not closed minded.

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  • 1 decade ago

    oh Randy, you know you are going to get smashed into the ground for this one!

    I didn't realize you were part of all sides of adoption--that's something you don't hear about all the time.

    I wish people would just stop stereotyping other people in general, but I know I'm living in a fantasy land for thinking that way because as long as there are humans, there will be judgments made...

    technically, it would be easier for me to fit in here (on Yahoo! answers adoption) if I said I felt pain, loss, and a huge void or if I said I had reunited...unfortunately I can't do that and that puts me in the outsider/in denial/unintelligent category of adoptees here but as a 'model adoptee' in regular society. Personally, I think I'm just an everyday kind of girl.

    oh, what a wonderful world...

    Source(s): 19 year old adoptee with an opinion
  • 1 decade ago

    Don't worry, Randy, even had you exclusively adopted from foster care, sainthood would still elude you. I should forward you some of the charming (but intellectually stunted) emails I've received from do-gooders who believe that all children who end up in foster care are ripped away from loving, supportive and nurturing parents by the big, bad, mean ol' government...I only recently was informed that foster care is actually a huge scheme, meant to undermine and dismantle the "natural" family, and that most allegations made by "spoiled children influenced by the media and the social workers" are FALSE. I've also heard that most foster children come into the system because their parents are just a little short of money.

    I never realized I decided to foster in order to steal someone's perfectly healthy and well-cared for child, but apparently, my intentions were more nefarious than I had originally thought.

    By the way, most from the general public assume TERRIBLE things about foster parents. That we are only in it for the money, that we don't care about the kids, and even that we are child-abusers-in-disguise, trying to get easy access to our next victims.

    I've gotten the sainthood comments a time or two also, but being called a greedy, child-abusing (no, the irony is not lost on me) baby-stealer keeps me humble. ;-)

    Source(s): soon to be adoptive mom - foster care
  • 1 decade ago

    "Live in my world Jennifer. I wear a hat as an adoptee, a hat as an adoptive parent of an internationally adopted child, a hat as an adoptive parent of a child from foster care (and an infant to boot) and a hat as a natural parent."

    And you are choosing to spend your time here. You are choosing it. No one is forcing you.

    Do you really expect anyone to feel sorry for you?

    And unless someone is saying "Randy this" or "Randy that" they are probably not talking about you. I mean you have to admit, there are some really kooky aparents on this board (kooky other triad members too). Take my advice and stop personalizing it or find another hobby other than Y!A.

  • 1 decade ago

    It's awhole new world-- the net --I've found out----in the real world here it's quite different. It's good we know what we are talking about. And of that I certainly do. In another post I was referred to as 'crap' but then again I need to consider the source. Never have I encountered so much rudeness to adoptive parents.I guess that is why it stings at times since we know were not as described.

  • 1 decade ago

    Absolutely NOT!!!!!

    If I were the cold, greedy person that I'd been perceived as being, I wouldn't be the loving, caring, open, honest person all three of my sons (step-bio-adopted) need and want.

    I am a mature adult, and don't care what people call me. Even though we did an infant adoption, I know he would have ended up in foster care if we hadn't already had an adoption plan in place (foster care said to not release him to the natural mother, to call them in the event she changed her mind). I know this because his younger bio sister also ended up in foster care, although the first parents are now doing better.

    I've gone above and beyond the call of duty of taking several young moms into my home (before I'd even ever considered adopting another child) and got them on their feet financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I've babysat 1000's of hours free to help out other moms.

    Most adoptees I know are happy. It seems that this is a forum which really brings a lot of people from angry adoption sights into the opinions here. I do think some things in adoption need to be done differently, but as a mom, I'm doing the best I can, and I just consider the sources of those who don't realize I'm actually trying to be a nice mom. As a matter of fact, I personally made sure that our son's first mom knew how to back out and the time allotted to do so if that's what she wanted. I also asked her if she was going to, to do it as soon as possible, and that we'd still help with the baby.

  • Ferbs
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Thank you Randy.

    And the "sample" of adoptive parents being crucified is no more of a real representation of the general population than those being slated for sainthood or adoptees automatically hating their lives or living in denial for liking their life or bio parents being blessed angels falling on their swords or bio parents ready to throw their babies in the trash.

    This is the internet. The ideas shared shouldn't be considered gold plated facts but they can certainly help shape a different view of how things are for everyone.

    Granted...it's always a challenge to keep emotions in check.

    Source(s): Proud adoptive parent of a great kid.
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